Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Rowan
I stand at the bottom of the Devil’s Staircase and stare upwards, bracing myself.
“Ah, that doesn’t look so bad,” Joan says, pausing next to me.
“Wait until you start walking,” Bolly comments darkly.
Joan arches a brow. “And when did you last do this hike?”
“Oh, twenty years ago? I did have a life before we met, you know.”
“I don’t much care for it.”
“Ladies.” Marnie lays a hand on each of their shoulders. “Shall we do this?”
“I suppose we should.” I sigh. I resettle my bag on my back. I remember all too well the pain of last time. My stabbing calves. My short, sharp breaths.
And Angus. The deep burr of his voice urging me on. The warmth of his smile when I reached the top. How did it feel? Fucking fantastic.
Energy surges through me. I take the first step.
“Let’s go!” I shout, and laugh when Priya runs past me, yodelling her enthusiasm.
The climb is both better than I remember and worse. Better because I’m more experienced, and fitter. Worse because I’m not that much fitter, and with a loaded bag on my back, it’s still tiring, and hard.
But life is hard. Angus was right about that. I have to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. That’s the only way I’ll get to the top.
It’s so hard not to think about him on this walk. To wonder where he is instead – who he’s with. To keep from imagining him on every twist and turn of the path.
“Angus!”
Am I imagining that too? But, no, Priya’s voice is real. She’s stops ahead of us, and is gazing upwards, pointing to a figure silhouetted against the sky.
“Mum! Rowan! Look!” she shouts again. “It’s Angus!”
“No, honey, Angus isn’t walking with us this time,” Lila says sympathetically. “I’m sure that’s just someone who looks like…” She trails off, her feet slowing. “It can’t be him? Can it?”
I peer up. His build does have a certain Angus-like quality to it.
The deliberate stance. And then there’s the way his hands rest on the straps of his bag.
Contained. He has dark, tousled hair, like Angus, but so do a lot of men.
His clothes are non-descript colours: navy and grey.
Again, something Angus would wear. Again, not unique to him.
I can’t tell.
I keep trudging upwards. Coming closer.
My heart speeds up.
I try to squash it down, but the feeling rises anyway, awful and exhilarating, sickening and aching, joyful and painful.
Hope.
“Rowan…” Lila’s hand brushes mine. “It’s him.”
It can’t be. He isn’t here. He’s facing the wrong way.
He isn’t here.
I need to run. Hide. What will we say?
We draw closer. It is impossible to deny. Those are Angus’ serious, dark eyes. Those are Angus’ full lips, drawn into a frown. That’s his tattoo peeking out of his sleeve.
“Angus!” Priya runs towards him, and he breaks into a smile, crouching down and swooping her up in a hug, his arms broad with muscle against her slight frame. He whispers something in her ear, and she nods seriously, and they both glance at me.
Our eyes lock.
The force of it takes my breath away.
Then he’s letting go of Priya, and undoing his bag, and he’s left it on the side of the path, and he’s walking towards me, and all that time, his eyes stay glued to mine.
“What are you doing here?”
It comes out more abruptly than I intend.
“I could say the same about you, London,” he replies, and that voice. The husky rasp of it. Even after a year, that voice does things to me. “Out here on my walk.”
“I’m hiking. Obviously.”
“Obviously.”
“And it’s not your walk. You can’t own a walk.”
“Says the English girl.”
We stare at each other. The world spreads out around us in every direction.
“Why are you here?” I ask again. “You’re going the wrong way.”
Angus shakes his head. He’s standing too close. My head is full of him. I want to lean into him. To rest in the warmth of his arms. To breathe in the woodsmoke smell of him.
“No, love,” he says softly. “It’s taken me far too long, but I am finally going the right way.”
My brain stutters to a stop. Love. Have I heard that right? I glance at Priya and Lila for confirmation, but they are carefully looking in the other direction, giving us what privacy they can.
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m sorry.” Angus brushes his hand against my cheek, his thumb stroking the soft skin there.
“I shouldn’t have pushed you away. You were never nothing.
You’re everything. And that fucking terrified me.
I didn’t want to end up like my Da. I couldn’t bear the idea that the person I loved would leave.
Instead, I lost you before I even had you.
And that was so much worse. I want you, Rowan. I want every part of you.”
There it is again. That word.
“You loved me?” I ask.
Angus shakes his head, and a piece of me breaks.
“No, Rowan,” he says seriously. “I love you. Present tense.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. Not at him, but the situation. The time we’ve both wasted. “We’ve made a right mess of this, haven’t we?”
“Aye, London, we have.” There’s his thumb again, his fingers tangling in my hair. “I’d like to stop making such a mess, if that’s alright with you?”
“I had this whole speech prepared! About how I’ve been working on myself.
How I’ve been learning to do hard things, to take risks.
About how no matter what I’ve done this last year, and no matter where I’ve gone, even though we only knew each other for a few days, somehow being without you has felt like missing a piece of myself.
And how, even though loving you might be the biggest risk I’ve ever taken, I want to try. I want to—”
He kisses me.
He kisses me like I’m the most precious thing in the world.
He kisses me like he’s spent his whole life missing me.
He kisses me like he’s mine.
“Angus—”
“Shut up, London. Shut up and let me fucking kiss you.”
And he does. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever felt in my life.
I can’t get enough of it, of him. He kisses me until we are both out of breath, until my lips are raw, and the world has disappeared, and then he kisses me some more.
Eventually, we come up for air. Eventually, he draws back, pressing his forehead against mine, so I can taste him with every breath.
“Can you forgive me?” Angus asks.
“Of course I forgive you, you idiot. I love you.” I dash a tear from my eye. “You’re the top, Angus. Do you understand? For me, you’re the top. And I’m willing to do what it takes to get there.”
He kisses me again.
This time, we’re interrupted by a collective whooping and cheering. We break apart to find a crowd of women watching us. The others have caught up, and it’s no longer just Lila and Priya and Marnie, but Joan and Bolly and all the rest, who have paused on the trail behind us to clap and whoop.
“London,” Angus growls. “What the fuck is this?”
“I started a hiking group.” I gesture at the women around us. “Single Woman Walking! Ladies, this is Angus. Angus, this is, well, the ladies.”
“He can light my stove anytime,” Bolly says, with a wiggle of her eyebrows.
“Join the queue,” says Heather. “I’d happily butter that muffin tin.”
“I wonder if he could spare a pole for my tent.” Suzy elbows Heather with a grin.
“He looks like he’s got plenty of poles to go around.”
Angus groans. “I’m never going to have another day’s peace, am I?”
“You could.” I grin, looking around at the group. My heart full. “But then you wouldn’t have me.”
“Fuck that.” Angus pulls me to him. “You’re not going anywhere. Not now I’ve got you back.”
He kisses me again, the smile in his lips matching mine.
“See, Mum!” I hear Priya exclaim. “I told you they were meant to be.”
“You’re so right, honey,” Lila answers. “You are so right.”