Wednesday
Rowan
How are you feeling today?
Claire
A little better, thanks in part to the new coffeemaker that was randomly delivered to my house this morning.
Rowan
How ever did that get there? Weird …
Claire
Thank you, but I’m gonna need you to quit buying me all these gifts.
Rowan
That one was actually for me. How else am I supposed to bum a cup of coffee this Sunday morning when I pick you up for our trip to the homestead?
(That was my way of asking you if you’re still interested in helping Heath’s kids pick out a lamb for the livestock show, by the way. Smooth, right?)
Claire
I still have you penciled in for Sunday.
Rowan
Looking forward to it.
Trying out that new coffeemaker, I mean.
Claire
Unbelievably smooth.
Anyway … what do you have planned on this fine evening?
Rowan
Oh, you know, studying for my CDL, practicing my pipe-laying skills, the usual.
Claire
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Rowan
*shirtless bathroom selfie*
Claire
Um, excuse me, sir? WTAF?
I’m gonna need a warning before you send me a thirst trap like this!
Rowan
What’s a thirst trap again?
Claire
It’s what the kids call it when one purposefully poses or presents oneself in a way to appear more attractive and desirable.
And ugh. Could you be any more wholesome?
Rowan
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Claire
You could throw a beige flag in there sometimes, you know, just to make yourself look somewhat normal.
Rowan
Funny. Feels like I’ve been raising plenty of red flags lately.
Claire
You wouldn’t know a red flag if someone waved it in your face.
I mean, obviously, since you’re still friends with me.
Rowan
So … we’re still friends, then?
I wasn’t so sure after the way we left things last night.
Claire
What else would you call the person who’s willing to literally and metaphorically pick you up off the bathroom floor? Since I can’t imagine you’d ever want to see me naked again after that, calling this a friendship seems fair.
Rowan
That would be a fair assessment.
But it’s still an incorrect one.
Claire
Well, damn. I know I wasn’t at my best, but I didn’t think you’d unfriend me over a little PMS-inspired menty b.
(That’s a mental breakdown, btw.)
Rowan
I’m actually referring to the other half of your assumption. I wouldn’t want you to go on thinking I hated seeing you naked, even though I tried really hard not to look.
Claire
You’re supposed to be a professional, you perv!
Rowan
Is this like the time I sent you the robe? Because my intention was flattery.
I was homeschooled, remember?
Claire
Fine. I’ll take your pity compliments.
Especially since they’re all I’ll get for the foreseeable future.
Rowan
It wasn’t a pity compliment, which is why I probably shouldn’t have said it at all.
And I’m sorry about the thirst trap. I’d just gotten back from a run and figured I’d snap a picture before jumping in the shower.
Claire
NOT. HELPING.
Rowan
You’ve seen me without a shirt before.
And I’m all gross and sweaty. I honestly didn’t think anything of it.
Claire
I hate you sometimes, you know that?
Rowan
I’m sorry. I promise I won’t send any more topless pics.
Claire
Whoa, hold on, there … Let’s not make any promises I don’t intend for you to keep.
Rowan
Well, I assumed you were under a social obligation to reciprocate with a selfie of your own, and I didn’t want you to think I expected a one-for-one trade off.
But the aforementioned rules don’t necessarily apply to you, for the record. You’re free to set your own selfie guidelines.
Because I’m somewhat of a feminist.
Claire
I just snorted so hard that my cramps came back.
But if you really want to make this equitable …
*Selfie holding Oscar*
Rowan
That’s one cute wiener.
Claire
Fair is fair, right?
Rowan
I’m afraid you’ve emasculated me now. I’ll never recover from this game.
Claire
Oh, come on. It’s just a little sausage pic.
Rowan
Little?
Claire
*gif of Jennifer Lawrence cringing*
My bad. Unfortunate word choice …
Besides, if either of us is subject to an unfair disadvantage, it’s me. You’re literally a professional lady part inspector.
Rowan
And I’ve already admitted that I enjoy looking at your parts more than any others I’ve seen to date.
Claire
*bathroom selfie in a sports bra and boxer shorts*
Okay, then. Have a look at this gorgeous period bloat belly.
. . .
*image deleted*
Oh-kay, then. Point taken.
I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I guess I took it too far.
Like I always do.
I’ll leave you alone now. Have a good night, Rowan. Thanks for checking on me.
Rowan
No, wait, I’m sorry.
I don’t know how else to say this without being crude, but your selfie definitely made me uncomfortable. So much so that I had to take a cold shower, because I shouldn’t be thinking those kinds of thoughts about you.
Better yet, I shouldn’t be lusting after any woman like that.
I respect you, Claire, and I care about you. I also think you are a beautiful woman, and I find all of your parts to be very, very sexy. That’s why I don’t deserve to see you in such an intimate way, because I can’t control where my mind goes.
Please don’t think this is your fault. I started it when I made that first comment, and then when I sent you that pic, but I should have known better. I don’t mean to come off so hot and cold all the time. It’s just that I’m always getting in over my head with you.
Can you forgive me?
Claire
A cold shower, you say?
Rowan
You can take the amount of time it took for me to reply to you as an indication of how long I spent in a stream of frigid water before I could think of anything else.
Claire
Pics or it didn’t happen …
Rowan
*photo of frozen package labeled “Rowan’s Deer Sausage”*