Chapter 32 #2
“You’re not getting that hug, bro,” Blake declares, and even Landry laughs.
“Hold on, though,” Blake begins again. “You mentioned the night you met Claire earlier. Does that mean you just decided to hook up with a random stranger after all that time? Were you purposefully trying to lose your virginity?”
I look away and scratch my head. “I’d still been planning to stay celibate until marriage. But there were some circumstances that led me to believe we’d shared a special connection, despite being strangers.”
“And you figured you wouldn’t have to face your guilt, since you didn’t think you’d ever see her again, right?”
“Except it turns out that the stranger was one of my sister’s best friends, and now we’re all … friends,” I confirm.
“Almost as awkward as that time we ran into one another in an exam room …” Blake trails off and grins.
“Much, much worse,” I say through my teeth.
“That’s not even the best part.” Landry surprises me by brushing over Blake’s comment and nudging me to continue.
I heave out a sigh. “The only reason I didn’t actually sleep with Claire that night was because I found out that her divorce hadn’t been finalized yet.”
“Oof,” the other guys say in unison.
“Not that, the other stuff,” Landry says.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for the reminder,” I add sarcastically. “I failed to tell her about my policies regarding physical intimacy at first, so I sort of made it hard for her to trust me again.”
JD and Blake flinch at the same time. “I guess that’s why you haven’t upgraded to more than friends now that her divorce is over and done,” JD remarks.
I lick my lips before I go over for my own turn to putt.
“Pretty much. She claims she’s not up for a serious relationship, even though I think she really does want marriage and kids.
But I’ll never convince her to give me a real chance, not after everything she’s been through and all the ways I’ve screwed up. ”
They’re quiet as I aim and tap the ball in. If only the rest of my life were this easy to control.
“So you’re just giving up, then?” JD asks after a while.
“Am I supposed to keep begging her to love me back and hope she eventually changes her mind?” I grumble, but my dad’s advice comes to mind.
“If you love her then, yeah. That’s how it works,” he replies, and Blake nods as well.
I look at Landry questioningly, and he sighs.
“If you think there’s a chance she’s only holding out because she’s unsure about whether she can trust you, then you just gotta hang in there and keep reminding her how you feel, like Blake said.
” He adds a shrug. “Daisy loved me enough to stick it out until I got over my shit, just like these guys did with their wives. Maybe Claire needs more time to see that you’re willing to help her work through some stuff and that you’re not giving up or going anywhere until she’s ready. If that’s what you want, I mean.”
Is that what I want?
I’m certain God has His reasons for bringing us together. I’m also pretty sure I’m in love with Claire, and a large part of me believes we really could’ve been soulmates, if only I’d done a better job of showing her all that from the beginning.
But maybe this is how I make up for getting off to the wrong start and allowing my pride to get in the way for so long.
Because now that I think about it, I can’t imagine feeling this way with anyone else, and I don’t even want to consider marriage or babies or any version of the future unless Claire is at the center of it all.
Landry stands by with his brow furrowed, looking deep in thought. “This might be insensitive, too, but I’m kind of a dick, so I’m just going to say it. You don’t think Claire’s afraid of letting you down?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“If she’s struggled with infertility before, she’s not going to let you take a chance on her, not when you’ve made it clear how badly you want kids,” he explains.
My jaw lowers. “I mean, yeah, she knows I want a big family, but I’ve told her I’d be okay with …”
Maybe I haven’t said that to Claire explicitly, not in so many words.
“Being okay with something sounds like settling,” Landry says. “And you never want to see the person you care about most settle for less than they deserve.”
“Well, shit—I mean, shoot.” I’ve really got to get a handle on my language these days.
JD raises his hand before he speaks again. “He makes a good point, even for a dick. This actually sounds a lot like the mental roadblock Tenley had to get over before she could admit she wanted a future together.”
I narrow my eyes at JD, because I can’t picture Tenley lacking the confidence to start a family. “Didn’t she get pregnant right away, though?”
“She did, but it wasn’t her ability to conceive that was in question. Ten’s stuff was all related to what happens after the babies are born, ironically enough,” JD explains with a shrug.
“Technically, Lo’s insecurities were mostly my fault in the first place,” Blake volunteers.
“After all the times she shut me down in high school, I spent the next decade—well, we all know what I was doing,” he admits, looking surprisingly sheepish.
“Anyway, by the time I finally got her to give me a shot, I screwed it all up by doing things out of order and basically tapping into her biggest fear, which was becoming her mother. No offense, Lando.”
Landry snorts. “Let’s not get started with the ya-mama jokes.”
Blake laughs quietly. “Mommy issues aside, I should have known better. And I deserved every minute of torture Loren put me through before I was finally able to earn her trust.”
“Tell the truth. You like it when she makes you suffer.” JD elbows his brother.
Blake hums. “Damn right, I do.”
It reminds me of the night I met Claire, and then again when her face filled my mind the moment I wished for something like Blake and Loren have.
I’ve already acknowledged that bickering with her is the most fun I’ve ever had.
But I think I’d rather join Oscar and Frankie and follow her around like a lovesick puppy than chase after what I used to think I was supposed to have with someone else.
“Okay, so how do I fix it?” I blurt out. “I can’t just tell her I’m in love with her without freaking her out. Every time I so much as hint around about my true feelings, she panics and reinforces our boundaries.”
“You never know. She might surprise you and say all she needed was for you to tell her the truth and make her feel safe enough to do the same,” Landry replies, and the others agree.
“Maybe that’s it,” I whisper to myself, recalling the ways I’ve hurt her by walking away or withholding the truth. “I haven’t been honest enough with her. I keep leaving just enough room for her to doubt me.”
“Yeah, well, until you convince her to change her last name again, don’t forget to leave enough space for the Holy Spirit,” JD leans over my shoulder to add, and I shove him away, unable to hold back my laughter. “For real, though. You could always try showing her what she’s missing.”
“What she’s missing?” I repeat.
JD shrugs. “Make her see you’d be a better husband than the last guy.
Show her all the ways you’d support her, how you’d make her life easier by lightening some of her burdens.
Surprise her by doing the yard work or washing the dishes …
preferably without a shirt. Listen to her vent about work and take her side, even if she’s in the wrong. ”
“Stop by unexpectedly with her favorite candy, especially if she’s having a bad day,” Blake adds. “And remind her that she’s sexy when you know she’s feeling her worst.”
“Take care of something for her. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just say, ‘I’ll handle it.’ And then make sure it gets done,” Landry offers.
JD snaps his fingers. “Oh, communicate with her,” he says, as if it’s the most genius thought he’s ever had, and the others grunt in appreciation.
“But overdo it. Text her for no good reason at all. Pretend you’re confirming plans, even if you remember. They go crazy for that shit,” Blake affirms.
“He’s right,” Landry says on a sigh. “The more I talk about my feelings, the more I get to play Big Bad Wolf.”
I roll my eyes. “Claire doesn’t like talking about her feelings.”
“Wrong,” JD says, imitating a gameshow buzzer. “She’s only holding out because she needs it to be a two-way conversation.”
And to think I’ve been going around assuming I was ready for marriage all this time. I let out a long exhale and scratch the back of my head.
“I guess I’ve been doing some of those things, but obviously not well enough for her to take me seriously,” I admit.
“Probably because you’re afraid to let yourself fall for her completely, since you know it’ll make it that much harder to resist her,” Landry volunteers insightfully.
“And we have a winner,” I say in my own gameshow host impression.
Blake hums. “How often have you been going to confession?”
I swallow hard. I’d gotten myself back to reconciliation a couple of times since that first night with Claire, but I hadn’t been embracing the sacrament the way I used to.
“Not often enough,” I mumble.
“Dirty truck?” Blake asks, nudging his brother.
“Dirty truck,” JD agrees before he turns to face me. “So imagine you’re driving down the road on the way back from washing your truck, and you see a huge mud puddle in the road. You’re gonna swerve, right, because you want to keep your truck clean?”
He pauses for me to nod. “But let’s say it’s been raining all week, and your truck’s already filthy. What’s the use in dodging the mud, especially when you know it’ll be more fun to drive through it?”
“Yeah.” I purse my lips as I consider the metaphor. “I get it.”
“It’s a lot easier to keep your soul clean than it is to stop yourself from sliding back into the pit when you’re already dirty,” Blake confirms.
“Besides, we can’t overcome sin on our own.
Jesus didn’t die on that cross so we could fool ourselves into thinking we’re strong enough to withstand temptation or that He’s not waiting for us to ask for His help,” JD reminds us.
“Even the little voice that pops up when we’re in the middle of something we know damned well we shouldn’t be doing isn’t enough, because we’re not meant to do it all on our own. He wants us to come to Him.”
I blow out a breath as I consider how badly I’ve been failing at that last part in particular.
Landry grunts. “That’s deep, Golden Boy, especially for you.”
“Nice job, Padre. I think that was your best sermon yet,” Blake confirms, smacking JD on the backside as if he’d just caught a touchdown pass instead.
“I think we’ve given you plenty to think about, right, Doc?” Blake directs the question at me.
“Yeah, thanks,” I say, my mind still reeling. I may not have expected to get this much wisdom from what I’d have considered to be the smoking section, but that’s what I get for counting these guys out, I suppose.
“Partake in the sacraments as often as you can, my guy. You’re gonna need the extra grace,” JD reminds me with a wink. “And in the meantime, if all else fails, you can always try making her jealous.”