Chapter 40 #2
He reaches out for my hand and begins playing with my fingers as he continues.
“I’m resentful of my sister, because she gets to live so close to you and see you all the time.
I’m pretty sure I’ve developed my first grudge, thanks to your ex.
And I’ve never been envious of an inanimate object before, but I’d give anything to trade places with your chest waders.
Hell, I’m still bitter because you won’t let me help you with your charts,” he divulges.
“And you doubted I was ready to risk it all when I found out you were on a date tonight?”
“Wait, did you just say you’re jealous of my midwife?” I ask, cocking an eyebrow.
He shrugs shyly. “To be fair, the chest-waders thing was much weirder.”
“Is it weird that I like it?” I ask coyly.
He hums and pulls me in for a kiss instead of giving me a verbal answer, and it isn’t long before we find ourselves in the same position as before.
“I meant what I said, Claire,” he tells me between kisses. “You’re all I ever think about, all I want. I’m so in love with you, and I need you to know that before anything else happens.”
I clutch at his back in response, digging my nails into his muscles when he deepens the kiss again. This time I reach down to unbutton his pants, only to find them already undone. He backs away long enough to slide them down his legs, and I scramble to sit up and peel off my shirt.
His eyes devour me, and I swear I can feel the heat of his desire radiating off him. I lick my lips and take his hand in mine, bringing it up to flatten his palm against my chest.
“You’re the only man who’s ever made my heart race like this, you know,” I admit, and his shoulders rise and fall.
“I can’t say I’ve been saving myself for you, and I can’t even make any promises about what happens after tonight.
But I already know it’s going to be so different with you.
You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, and we’ve barely even gotten started. ”
He groans and cradles my jaw as he moves in to kiss me, guiding me to lie back so he can hover over me again. But he stops abruptly, letting out a frustrated grunt when his scapular cord catches on my bra.
I stifle a giggle when he shifts his position to untangle us, but he doesn’t laugh. Instead, he rolls onto his side and gazes at me with that tortured look on his face.
I sigh, unable to hide my disappointment. “I know. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice cracking.
“Don’t be. I told you, this is a part of what makes you … you. Think you can forgive me for trying to molest you again?” I ask with a hopeful smile.
“There’s nothing to forgive. I’d still eat a jar of peanut butter just to have your hands on me,” he mumbles, his somber tone contradicting his favorite joke.
“So you’re willing to risk your life for a night with me, just not your soul,” I retort cheekily, trying to lighten the mood, but his frown deepens.
“It’s not just my own soul I’m trying to protect,” he replies, his expression finally softening, and I have to blink away the tears that immediately form again.
“Don’t bother. I’m already a lost cause,” I say quietly.
He heaves out a frustrated sigh. “There’s no such thing. And even if there was, I’d argue that you’re a better person than most, even on your worst days.”
“Have you already forgotten the part when I lied to you and invited a strange man into my house? We both know he was only here for one thing, and it wasn’t a spirited theological debate,” I spit out, annoyed at myself for forgetting that I’m supposed to be pushing Rowan away.
“So stop acting like all the reasons you judged me in the beginning don’t exist anymore. We both know this could never work.”
“What are you talking about?” he asks incredulously.
“You can’t tell me it doesn’t matter that I’m divorced, not when I know your church wouldn’t even allow us to be together.”
He props himself up on his elbow. “Who told you that?”
“You … and your family,” I admit, and he glares at me. “Even if I were to become Catholic for you, we can’t get married in your church. I already had my suspicions, but I overheard your sisters talking about it at Easter.”
He groans. “Contrary to what she may believe, Magnolia isn’t always right.”
“She’s right this time, though, isn’t she?”
“I love all of my siblings,” he begins, as if he needs the reminder.
“But none of them speak for me, not even Daisy, and they’re certainly not ordained to represent the entire Holy Roman Catholic Church.
” He pauses to scrunch up his nose before adding, “Except maybe Rosemary. But that’s beside the point, because—”
“Enough, Rowan,” I blurt out, cutting him off.
“Look, I can believe you’d get over the part about me already being ruined.
But I can’t understand why you keep stringing me along when you know damned well we can’t actually be together!
Why do you insist on torturing us both if you’re just going to fall back on the rules again? ”
My eyes sting and my face heats with embarrassment after my voice breaks off and makes that last part sound like a plea for mercy. But that’s exactly what it is.
He gulps as he stares me down. “Is this why you won’t let me love you, because you think it’s not allowed?”
“It’s not the only reason,” I pause to sniffle, “but it’s a pretty good one.”
He bites his lip, and I want to knock the smile he’s trying to hide off his face.
“For someone so good at so many things, you’ve done a very poor job of eavesdropping,” he says in a patronizing tone.
“What the hell is your problem?” I demand, reaching out and shoving him in the chest. But he catches my hand and holds on to it.
“First of all, you’re not ruined or damaged goods, and even though I disagree with most of your views on physical intimacy, none of that diminishes your value or dignity as a woman, and it’s certainly never made me want you any less,” he tells me without dropping my gaze.
“Secondly, I’d never want you to convert for me.
I’d love it if you decided you wanted to become a Catholic and share my love of God and the Church, more than anything, but I’d never want you to fake it on my behalf. ”
I sniff again, and he reaches up to swipe his thumb over my cheek as he continues.
“And thirdly, if anyone’s been ruined in this scenario, it’s me.
Regardless of whether I’ve been successful in upholding your virtue and mine, I don’t need to have sex with you to know that I’ll never want anyone else as long as I live. ”
I blink at him, unable to process what he’s saying.
“I told you, Claire. One kiss from you was more than enough to alter my brain chemistry forever.”
“But none of that matters,” I repeat. “I can’t—”
“Yes, you can. Well, most likely,” he interrupts me to say with a shrug. “Your mom said you were baptized, right?”
I nod.
“I’ve already spoken to a priest and a canonical lawyer. If you ever wanted to have your first marriage annulled, there’s a good chance it could easily and quickly be declared invalid due to a lack of form,” he explains, trying not to grin.
I gasp and shove him again. “You spoke to a church lawyer about this without telling me or even asking my permission?”
He opens and closes his mouth a few times. “Okay, maybe I overstepped. But I didn’t give out any personal details, I swear. It was one of those asking-for-a-friend conversations.”
“Did you really ask a priest whether my first marriage was valid so you could walk around with this in your back pocket?”
“It’s not like I did it just to win an argument,” he replies, then he cringes. “Except, maybe this one.”
“Ugh,” I groan. “I can’t stand you when you’re right.”
“And what about the rest of the time, since we both know I’m not right very often?” He smirks and tugs me closer.
I sigh and allow Rowan to drape my arms over his shoulders.
I don’t think anyone’s ever looked at me with this much affection and adoration before.
No human, anyway. And now that the possibility of a long-term future together seems slightly less implausible, I suppose I could risk dipping a toe into the bottomless pool of my feelings for him.
“The rest of the time, I think you’re dangerous. And I like you so much that it scares me,” I confess, because I feel like he deserves at least some of the truth, though it will take some time to come to terms with the rest of it myself.
He sucks in a breath, as if I’ve just delivered the greatest news he’s ever heard. “Do you really?”
“I let you keep your boxers this time, didn’t I?” I reply, and he grins so hard he barely manages to kiss me.
“Now, being that I’m so deeply in love with you, and you seem to be in such enthusiastic like with me, wouldn’t that make us officially more than friends?” he asks once he pulls away.
“Unofficially, at least,” I say, rolling my eyes and trying to stifle a smile.
“And by unofficially, do you mean we’re not labeling it? Or is it unofficial because no one else can know?” He scratches the back of his head nervously as he awaits my answer.
“I guess that depends on how much you value your reputation,” I mumble.
He flashes me another grin, this one more devious than the last. “Oh, but you’re not getting off that easy anymore, Claire Bear. You can’t just throw out one of those comments and not expect me to disprove it.”
I groan. “You’re totally going to do that whole love-bombing thing now, aren’t you?”
“Absolutely,” he confirms. “For, like, ever.”
“Ugh, not the star-crossed soulmates crap again,” I whine to hide the way I’m equal parts giddy and terrified at that prospect.
He hums and regards me carefully. “We both know how much you like it cheesy.”
“That’s not exactly what makes you dangerous,” I tell him, my voice taking on a sultry tone.
He bites his lip and reaches over to trace a finger over my tattoos.
“Well, then, it’s a good thing at least one of us was paying attention in that NFP class.
I’ll need to remember some of those other methods for keeping your cup full, at least until I can convey the full extent of my affection physically. ”
My breath catches in my throat. “Maybe I should have gotten you out of those drawers while I still had the chance.”
He shakes his head slowly. “I’m doing you a favor. If you think it’s bad now, just wait until you hear me say I love you while I’m in the middle of proving it to you. There’s no coming back from that, and you know it.”
A whole new brand of desire overtakes me, one so strong it clouds my vision. I have to blink to regain my sense of sight, then remind myself how to breathe. Hell, I think my lady parts are applauding him for that one.
“You might be right,” I concede, a chill running through me as I recall how close we were to that very scenario. “All the more reason to wait, I suppose.”
“No sex until marriage?” He lets out an exaggerated sigh. “I mean, I guess, if it’s that important to you.”
My hand flies up to my mouth when a cackle threatens to escape, and he tugs it away, forcing the laugh out.
“You may have gotten me to admit that I like you and that it could never be just physical between us, but I’m still not sold on a second marriage. So I hope you realize you’re setting yourself up for a long, torturous, and most likely fruitless wait,” I tell him.
“I’m not worried,” he replies cooly, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I am a very,” he pauses to brush a kiss over my knuckles, making my stomach dip, “very,” he emphasizes and punctuates with another kiss, “very patient man, especially once I know what I want.”