10. Amber
CHAPTER TEN
amber
Triple Threat Group Chat
Michele:
I’m making a taco bar tonight.
Amber:
Perfect, I’m bringing tequila and margarita mix.
Lily:
I’m on antibiotics, so I’m out on the drinking. I’ll bring chips and queso.
Michele:
Boo! Make it the spicy queso and I’ll forgive you.
Amber:
I’m not staying sober just because you are. I have secrets to divulge.
Michele:
Oh, hell yeah. Things were getting boring around here.
W hen I met Lily last July, she declared me her new friend and left no room for argument.
Not that I would have argued, I kind of suck at making friends and I loved her immediately.
The first time I went to dinner with her and Michele, I knew I had found friends who would last a lifetime.
They have been my lifeline through everything that has happened lately.
Lily helped me figure out the finances as I took over the store and took on Jana’s medical debt, while Michele helped me list and sell Jana’s house to pay for it all.
Both checked on me constantly and were by my side as I laid her to rest.
Despite their unending kindness and support, I haven’t divulged anything about myself from before they came into my life.
Not for lack of trying on their part. I’ve just never been great at talking about my past. Jana was all I had, not just as family but also as the only person who knew what I had been through with my mom and why I was slow to let people in.
Over these last four months since her death, I have slowly pulled myself from the same dark place I went when I was eleven.
A place deep in me that was numb to feelings, void of personality and happiness.
The only time I feel something is when Jake brings out the anger in me.
I don’t love admitting it, but verbally sparring with him has helped to pull me a little further from my edge of darkness.
Jake is making me feel things again, and I have no idea what to do with those feelings.
The girls are the only ones I have to talk with about the myriad of emotions swirling through me, so I’ve decided tonight is the night to come clean to them.
I’m going to see more of him since we’re helping each other out, so no time like the present.
Michele’s home—an adorable two-story farmhouse with a wraparound porch—sits outside of downtown.
She converted a separate garage into an office space for her real estate business that is a stunning forest green that complements her white house beautifully.
Lily is already there when I pull up and let myself in through the large wood front door. “Honey, I’m home,” I call out.
“Finally,” Michele answers, “I need a shot and for you to spill the tea.”
She’s standing behind the island chopping tomatoes for homemade salsa.
I learned quickly that both of these women are amazing cooks, and I’ve been snagging recipes from them ever since.
Lily is perched in a chair on the other side, her feet resting on the stool next to her.
Her bright smile greets me as she shoves another chip in her mouth. “Hey, other bestie.”
After placing the bottle of tequila and mix on the counter, I maneuver around the kitchen, grabbing two shot glasses and two margarita glasses as well as her container of salt for the rims. Shots aren’t my thing, so Michele raises an eyebrow, glancing between the shots I’m pouring us and me.
“Don’t judge, I need Dutch courage,” I quip, handing her one of the glasses.
She puts her hands up in defense before grabbing her shot, clinking it with mine, and shooting it back.
I wince at the burn running down my throat, and the bitter taste lingers in my mouth.
A lime wedge is placed in my hand, so I suck the tangy juices down.
“You’re lucky I had those cut up for the tacos. Now, make us margs and spill it.”
I plop into one of the chairs next to Lily and start on our drinks. There’s no good way to say this, so I keep my head down and spit it out. “I slept with Jake.”
A knife clatters to the counter, and Lily chokes on her bite of queso. I pat her back as they stare at me wide-eyed. “We’re going to need more information than that,” Lily coughs out.
“Yeah, like when, where, and how was it?”
Heat travels up my chest at her questions. It’s not like I haven’t talked about sex with them. These girls are dirty as hell, even if I’m unsure if Michele is having much sex. I take part in their talks, but this is about me, and they have no idea I was a virgin until Jake.
“It was at your wedding,” I admit, embarrassed. “In your downstairs bathroom, to be specific.”
I’m half expecting anger, or at least disappointment. Maybe even disgust. Instead, Michele belts out a laugh as Lily pouts. “I haven’t even had sex in there yet, that’s not fair.”
“Why are we just finding out now? That was over a month ago. Plus, you didn’t answer the last question. Did he blow your mind?”
Resting my elbows on the counter, I drop my head into my hands and groan.
“Yes. God, that man has a filthy mouth. He was all hot and demanding, and his dick is massive. Pretty sure my vagina was broken for a week.” That also could have been because it was my first time, but I don’t want to ask them if that’s how they felt.
“You ain’t lying, that thing needs to be registered as a deadly weapon. Especially with the barbells. How’d they feel?”
My gaze snaps to Michele’s, and I try to tamp down the onslaught of emotions inside me.
It feels an awful lot like rage and jealousy, but that’s not fair.
They are free to sleep with whoever they like.
I have no claim on the man, and it’s not like I didn’t know he sleeps around.
He insinuated as much when we first met.
Still, the knowledge that Michele knows what his cock looks like sits hot and hard in my stomach.
“You’ve slept with him?”
Lily and Michele burst into hysterics, and Michele shakes her head. “Lord, no. He’s like my brother. I mean, he’s obviously hot as hell, but it’s not like that between us. I’d never seen a pierced peen before, so I begged him to let me see it, and he did. Even flaccid that thing is intimidating.”
The tight feeling in my chest eases with her explanation.
I don’t blame her for being curious. I was buzzed when we had sex, and he had the condom on before I got a look.
I couldn’t even tell you what the piercings look like because I didn’t know they were there, and I have nothing to compare it to.
“Oh, okay. Yeah, I think the piercing felt good. I mean, he made me come twice.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about! A man that puts a woman’s pleasure first. Please tell me he gave you a hand necklace too. He seems like the type,” Michele squeals.
With heated cheeks again , I slowly nod. Holy hell, did his hand around my throat feel good.
“Good for you.” Lily clinks her water to my margarita glass. “What’s going on with you guys now? Getting it on all the time in the back offices?”
This is the part I’m worried to talk to them about.
They love Jake and think he’s this sweet man.
I’ve seen the softer side to him, sure, but only when he’s talking to other people.
I’m not sure what it is about me, but he enters every conversation with me looking for a fight, and I seem all too happy to give it to him.
“We’re kind of frenemies? Maybe just straight enemies. I’m pretty sure he’s hated me since the day we met. We constantly fight, he pushes my buttons, and I might hate him back. I don’t know.”
They trade glances, but neither look like they want to talk. I knew this would happen. Michele has known Jake since they were kids, and Lily is married to his best friend. Of course they’re going to want to defend him and think I’m crazy.
I miss Jana, she would have known what to say. Probably would have slapped me upside the head and said something like Have you seen that man? Who cares if you fight, fighting is half the fun . She was always a little wild like that, and it seems the only time my wild side comes out is around Jake.
Maybe I am crazy? I seem to be the only woman he treats this way. It brings up the lingering feelings I’ve fought hard against that I’m the problem, but he still slept with me anyway. He can’t even blame his hatred on my lie because he hated me before he unknowingly took my virginity.
“You guys are oddly similar, in an opposite way. He’s all dark and broody on the outside but sweet in the center, and you’re all sweet on the outside with a dark and broody inside,” Michele finally says.
“You think I’m broody on the inside?”
They roll their eyes in unison, and I have to bite back a laugh. I mean, I know I am, I just didn’t know they saw it too.
“I’ve known you coming up on a year now, and this right here is the most you have ever opened up except about Jana’s stroke.
You told us in a freaking text that she passed.
I know it’s been a rough few months, hell, a rough year, but yeah, you’re dark inside, and that’s okay.
It’s what makes you strong and resilient. Our little fighter.”
“Fuck yeah,” Michele adds. “There’s nothing wrong with your dark and broody. I think it’s what you know and are comfortable with, and that’s okay. For now. One day, you’ll find someone to share that side of yourself with, and we will support you until that day comes.”
I didn’t expect my emotions to feel so heavy tonight.
Blinking, I clear my blurry vision as I take in their warm expressions.
It makes me want to share more of myself with them and to open up the way they do.
This is the first real friendship I have ever had, but I know these girls are genuine and understanding down to their very core.
“Seriously, though. Jake needs someone that isn’t intimidated by him and actually makes an effort with him.
And I say this in the most loving of ways, but you keep everything so bottled up and tight to the chest that I sometimes worry you’re going to explode.
Maybe you need someone that pushes your buttons, someone strong that can handle getting rocked when you implode,” Lily adds.
My mind whirls with their assessment. Even if they think we fit together, there’s too much animosity between us.
I don’t need to have an extensive dating history to know that I deserve a man who is happy to see me.
I’m not even asking for a man who wants to spoil me or to worship the ground I walk on.
I simply want a man who’s willing to look beyond the smiles and doesn’t cower at what he sees.
Someone who wants to be my partner in all things, that understands my long hours at work and my passion for my business.
The girls move everything to the dining room where we eat and drink, but my focus fades in and out from the conversation.
My head is too busy wondering if maybe they’re right.
Michele said Jake is sweet in the center, but I’ve seen his mask slip.
He’s hiding pain, and the more I think about it, he seems to keep everyone at arm’s length much like I do.
What happened in his life to make him that way?
Life can be so vicious and cruel when it chooses to be.
I’ve learned that the hard way over and over.
Kindness despite the pain is what makes us human, what breathes hope into the world.
You can’t change the past, but your actions can change someone’s future.
Lily did that for me the day she came into my store and hugged me when she saw me upset.
Without knowing me, who I was, or what was hurting me, she showed me a kindness I can never repay.
Yet, with the stormy seas life has thrown me time and time again, it has also sent me a life raft when I needed it most. In the beginning, I struggled to see it that way.
I focused on the sea raging around me and the current trying to drag me under.
Now, though, I look for the outstretched hand that doesn’t always seem like the way out.
I hated Jake’s cocky attitude and the way he felt he knew me, but there was something there.
A small string that tugs at my chest every time he’s around.
Maybe that string is the outstretched hand, drawing me out of the bleak emptiness I have inside and forcing me to feel the world around me again.
Before I leave for the night, they make me promise I’ll keep an open mind with him. Working with him will definitely require that, so I agree to try. Something tells me the cocky asshole is just waiting for me to show an ounce of kindness so he can throw it back in my face.