16. Amber #2
Looking back down at the table, I clear my throat and keep going.
“Food was scarce because my mom spent her money on drugs or she forgot to shop. I had no idea I had an aunt until I was nine and found a photo of Jana and my mom in the closet. Apparently, my grandparents were religiously strict, so when Jana turned eighteen, she moved far from home. My mom was a few years younger and didn’t take it well.
She was kicked out when she got pregnant with me at seventeen. ”
Finding out all this was hard. Not hearing it from my own mother was harder. Jana was the one to tell me how they were raised and where things fell apart between them. My mom drunkenly filled in the bits about her getting kicked out when I asked, but that was the extent of her opening up to me.
“My mom spent more time high than not, and when she wasn’t, she was out looking for her next fix.
That often came with a revolving door of men.
I’ve been handling things alone since way before any child should have had to.
Showing emotions or expressing needs was pointless with her.
So talking to others, relying on others, is not something I do easily.
” I hope they understand what I’m saying.
That I want to trust them, and I know I can, but it goes against everything in me to do so.
The tears sting my eyes, and my chest gets tight with emotion.
Refusing to meet their eyes, I divulge a little more.
“Anyway, I tried to find Jana behind my mom’s back.
I messaged so many women on the internet at the library hoping one was her, until finally, I found her.
It was crazy, she was only a few hours away.
She had no idea that I existed, or what our situation was like, so she drove over one weekend.
It didn’t go well, and my mom was livid.
She refused help, refused to let my aunt take me, and I begged her not to call CPS.
We stayed in contact when I could, and she took me in about a year later when my mom overdosed.
She was my savior. The mom I always dreamed of having.
She got me through some dark times and loved me through every second of it. ”
The tears are streaming hot down my cheeks now, but I don’t bother wiping them.
“So, no, I haven’t opened up about the pain, and I haven’t talked to anyone about the loss I suffered.
I was a child when I lost the mom who made sure I knew I ruined her life, and it took me years to work through.
I’m an adult now, and the loss of Jana …
That loss is too great. The love was too great.
I can’t let myself feel that pain. I can’t talk about it. I can’t face it. I will never recover.”
I’m not sure who moves first, but both wrap around me in an instant.
Neither says anything, Lily’s tears falling as quickly as mine, and Michele squeezes my hand tight.
They hold me until I pull myself together, suppressing the emotions and shoving down the pain.
That was only the tip of the iceberg, the bare minimum I could scrape out without getting dragged under the waves again.
Jake knocks on the door between our spaces before peeking his head in. Michele, the incredible woman that she is, blocks me from his view and greets him. Lily’s small hands squeeze mine tight before we let go and wipe away our tears.
“I just wanted to bring Socks back. I have to make some cuts, and I don’t want him in there when I have the saw going,” Jake says.
“Thanks,” Michele says, taking my cat.
I should turn around and say something, anything, but there’s no way I’m showing him an ounce of weakness.
The amount of times I was made fun of in middle school for having red eyes from crying still haunts me.
Lily moves around me, keeping me at her back so I’m covered by her and Michele, even though my back is to them.
The small act makes all the difference. They know how I laid myself bare for them and that I’m too raw to do it for anyone else.
“We’ll get the gang together next weekend,” Lily says, forcing cheer into her tone. “Friend dinner has been put off too long. Saturday night at our house.”
“Yeah, sounds good,” Jake says, then the silence ensues. Eventually, he clears his throat. “Well, I’ll see you all then.”
As soon as the door between our shops closes, the girls go back to the work they were doing before I had my breakdown. My nerves are fried, but I pull the laptop over to me and open it up.
“Thank you. For listening to me. For not pushing for more.”
“We’re here for you,” Michele claims, “whenever you’re ready to share the rest. Thank you for trusting us with that.”
They stay for another two hours, and Lily helps Michele with the photos once all my orders are packed. Before they leave, I thank them again for giving me the space to work through my thoughts after opening up to them.
“We can do this every time, you know. You give us five minutes of truths and then we go on with our days. No matter what, we will stay by your side after. You’re not alone.” Lily’s hug is tight, and then they’re on their way out.
That night, I let myself feel a little bit more.