36. Amber
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
amber
I ’m locking the front door to the store, when a blaring horn makes me jump out of my skin.
I look up to find Michele parked out front, cackling in her driver’s seat.
She gets out, and I let her inside before locking up again.
“I almost had a heart attack,” I say, swatting at her arm that she wraps over my shoulder.
“But you didn’t,” she singsongs. “What do you have left to do before we can go?”
Since the guys are all camping, Lily invited us over for a girls’ weekend.
We plan to do our nails, watch chick flicks, and eat our weight in snacks while they rough it in the woods.
It’s exactly what I need with everything going on.
My coworkers swore they had the store taken care of and made me promise I wouldn’t check in even once.
“Just need to put the money in the safe and text Lauren where I’m putting my apartment key so she can check on Socks.
” Michele hums as she flicks through the racks of new summer dresses we recently put out.
I have no doubt the girls will have him down in the store with them most of the day.
When I slip my phone from my pocket, there’s already a text from Lauren.
Lauren:
Before you leave tonight, go peek in your storeroom. Say what you want, but if there’s nothing between you two … there should be.
My heart beats faster in my chest as I read it again. “Hey, Chele, I need to check in the shop out back, grab my bags, then I’ll be ready.”
She links her arm through mine. “Lead the way.”
I kind of wanted to see this alone. This weekend, I was going to tell the girls the truth about everything with Jake and me and what happened with Kyle but needed time to think on how to bring it up. Whatever Jake did, Michele will know right away there’s something between us.
The back light kicks on when we enter the alley, and Michele smiles up at it.
She must know Jake installed it for me, and clearly approves.
No matter the feelings between us, Jake takes care of me.
He’s shown it over and over in the things he does.
When I open the door to my section of the workshop and turn on the lights, I see the difference immediately.
A large square table is set up in the center with storage on all sides underneath.
All my packing, shipping, and organization supplies are neatly squared away instead of laying in random piles.
The shelving unit to the side is to the ceiling and houses each tub of clothes and supplies as if he made them specifically for me, which he obviously did.
I spin in a circle, taking it all in, and try to keep my emotions from bubbling over.
It isn’t until I see a lone pink rose in the center of the table with a card that the first tear slips free. With trembling hands, I pick up the note to read his chicken scratch.
Whiskey,
Just wanted to do something to make your life a little easier and safer. I may not have known Jana, but I know she would be so proud of all you have done, not only with the store but with how you have handled everything with grace and tenacity. I hope this helps you keep kicking ass. - Jake
My fingers trace over the rose that I now see isn’t a real rose but one carved from wood, with the petals painted pink.
Like the ones I bring to Jana’s grave. Tears fall freely, and I turn to Michele with desperation.
I don’t know what I’m asking from her, but I know I can’t handle this alone.
She instantly understands and wraps me in a hug, holding me tight.
“Let’s go get your things. Lily has alcohol and snacks, and we are filled with terrible advice. We’ll help you figure this out.”
I don’t know what I would do without these women.
Their love and support are top tier, and they never judge.
Michele plays with Socks while I feed him dinner and grab my bag, then we’re off to Lily’s for the weekend.
Following her SUV, I think on all the feelings running through me until we pull up to the cabin.
I’ve always loved it out here. As much as I enjoy being so close to work, the seclusion and peace out here calls to me.
To be surrounded by the woods, the only light streaming through your windows from the stars, and no sounds of cars or people would be heavenly.
Lily has offered to rent out the third cabin to me since Thoren’s parents have said they aren’t ready to get rid of their place, but it’s too much space, and I don’t know how I feel about renting out my apartment.
It was the first place I’ve ever had as my own, and Jana and I worked hard on it together.
The biggest reason though is I’m not sure I’m ready to give up one lonely space for another .
Lily greets us at the front door, Shadow at her side with her tail wagging and barking happy woofs. “I’m so glad you guys are here! Why haven’t we done this sooner?”
“I don’t know but it’s needed now. Amber is in crisis mode.” Dropping my bag inside the door, I give Shadow some love and glare at Michele. “What?” she shrugs. “I’m not wrong.”
We all settle in the living room with our girl dinner of a charcuterie board and wine for Michele and me before they make me spill the beans. “I don’t have all night,” Lily whines. “I’m growing a baby, and I get tired easily. Tell us what’s going on.”
“I don’t even know. I’m kind of seeing Jake, but I’m screwing up left and right. My heart is fully invested, but my head isn’t. I’m hurting him, and above it all, I’m scared.”
Michele wears a look of understanding, and Lily seems sad. “Can you start from the beginning? What do you mean you’re only kind of seeing him?”
I chug my glass of wine, then take a steadying breath.
“We were kind of messing around sometimes and then I convinced him to be friends with benefits,” I admit, embarrassed.
“I like him a lot , and he’s a good man, but he knows exactly how to push my buttons, and he does it all the time.
He makes me so angry, then the next minute he’s doing these sweet things.
Like taking care of me when I’m sick, bringing me coffee, and he built shelves and a worktable for the storage space. ”
Shadow moves from her spot next to Lily and rests her head on my lap, making me chuckle.
Maybe I am in crisis mode if she can sense it.
“I don’t exactly have role models for healthy relationships.
You and Thoren and his parents are the extent of my knowledge.
The way you speak to each other, it’s nothing like the way Jake and I talk.
I watched my mom go through so many toxic relationships, and I won’t subject myself to that. ”
“So you’re not going all in with Jake because you argue?” Michele asks without an ounce of judgment .
“I guess. I’ve had too much pain in my life already, I want a normal and easy love.
One like you and Thoren,” I say to Lily.
“When Jake does these sweet things for me, I can almost see it, you know? A future with him. I see that soft side, that big teddy bear you guys are always talking about. But how am I supposed to overlook the fact that we fight like cats and dogs? What if I’m too much for him, or worse, not enough?
Besides bouts with depression, a slew of familial trauma, and a habit of overworking, I don’t have anything to offer. ”
Michele looks to Lily, a silent conversation passing between them before Lily speaks.
“There is no normal love, Amber. Everyone’s love is different because we all need something different.
You and Jake are two of the most hardworking and passionate people I’ve met.
When you feel something, you feel it deeply.
So yeah, you clash sometimes, but that’s part of your draw.
I love Jake like a brother, but he needs the fight.
He’s bullheaded and has a prick side to him, and he needs someone who will go toe to toe with him.
You’re stubborn and have a tendency to shut down.
You need someone who will put the wind back in your sails, even if it means getting you riled up. ”
“You have to remember, Jake’s never had a girlfriend.
He’s new to this. He’s in uncharted waters, and I can tell you he’s doing his best. His way of showing that is through his actions.
He’s always been better with actions than words, and his actions show that he is beyond smitten with you.
You being too much for him is laughable because if there is a man that can handle anything thrown at him, it’s Jake,” Michele adds.
“You are everything, Amber. You’re his everything,” Lily whispers.
I know what his actions say, that’s why I can’t seem to stay away from him.
Even though he’s on the opposite side of the spectrum with sexual experience, we’re on even footing with relationship knowledge.
Not that I’m complaining about the first part, how he learned to be a beast in the bedroom doesn’t matter because I’m the one reaping the benefits.
I’m starting to see what they’re saying.
When they first told me we could be good for each other, I didn’t see it.
After seeing the trust and shock in his eyes when I was still with him the morning after he told me about Clara, I’m starting to.
“Can we take a moment to talk about why the hell you went on a date with that fuckwit from the gym if you’re kind of seeing Jake?”
My cheeks heat; I never should have done that. “He was everything I’m not: stable, bright, and happy all the time. I thought I needed someone light to balance out my dark. Someone who hasn’t seen the hardships I have, who still views the world as a good place.”
In true Michele fashion, she scoffs at me.
“I’m saying this out of love, but you’re an idiot.
So you’ve been through hard shit. That’s what made you who you are.
The strong woman who will claw her way out of the darkest depths when life kicks her down.
The woman that cherishes each moment because she knows how precious they are, and who uses her past to try to make a difference for others’ futures.
” She leans across to take my hand, tears in her eyes.
“We see you, Amber. We see the way you guard yourself. We saw your books when Lily was helping with your finances. We saw that you cover school lunches for kids, and Evelyn has divulged how many boxes of new items you donate to the women’s shelter every season.
You say you don’t view the world as a good place anymore, but can’t you see that it’s people like you who make it good? ”
The tears sliding down her cheeks are mirrored on mine.
I do those things for the little boys and girls like me who need someone looking out for them.
And for the women in situations like my mother who refuse to continue the cycle and do everything they can to better their futures.
They deserve a Jana, and while I can’t be that for everyone, I do my best to help where I can.
“And while we’re on the subject of you, I’m going to tell you exactly what Thoren has said to me because I know you need to hear it too,” Lily adds.
“Family is not just blood. Family is who you choose to love and who chooses to love you back. Who shows up for you, no matter what. I know I still have my parents, but they suck. I haven’t heard from them since before the wedding, and they have no idea I’m pregnant.
” She caresses her growing bump with hurt-filled eyes.
“Borrowed family, found family, best friend family … they’re all still family.
It just looks a little different. We’re your family, sweet girl.
You are loved.” She looks up then, hope shining in her blue eyes.
“You also need to accept that you have the perfect man falling head over heels for you. I heard how badly he beat that guy, and I saw firsthand tonight the things he’s doing to show you his love,” Michele adds.
I choke on my drink. “Love?”
Both girls nod vigorously. Lily clears her throat.
“One last thing, then we’ll drop it and move on.
You said your only view of love is me and Evelyn.
If there’s one thing you need to know about us both, we have a once-in-a-lifetime love.
A love that has the power to break but only heals.
A love that is burrowed so deep in our souls that it changed who we are.
That type of love isn’t normal, or safe, or without risks.
It’s a gift. Whether it’s said or not, Jake loves you, and based on the look in your eyes, you’re close to those feelings too. Take the risk. Take the gift.”
They let me ruminate on that, and I know I’ll need to go visit Jana’s grave after this weekend.
Being there with her always feels like she’s with me, and I swear I can still hear her telling me what she thinks.
Sitting here watching rom-coms with the girls, I already know what Jana will say.
The same thing she told me the week before she passed.
“Be brave, and find the thing that sets your soul on fire. For me, that was my store. I can already see that yours will be a person. Don’t let your past dictate your future, and don’t settle for less than you know I would demand. ”
I think she could sense that her time was coming to an end, and she was ready for it. She was brave to the very end, and now it’s my turn.