38. Octavia
OCTAVIA
Octavia had lost count of how many times she’d checked her phone while stuck on the streetcar on her way home from the library.
It was unlike Nathan to not reply by now.
She knew he had gone home after practice and was having dinner with his brother.
There was no real reason why he wouldn’t respond.
Unless, maybe they were doing brother things.
Nathan had mentioned how he was looking forward to video game nights like old times with Scottie.
Maybe they’d started playing something and got carried away.
She’d had boyfriends who’d been like that, got lost in a game.
It wasn’t something she loved all that much.
But then again, she’d been caught doing the same with a book.
That’s what was going on, it was nothing and she was being paranoid. Trying to find something to worry about instead of just going with the flow. She’d been doing well with the flow thing up until now, so she was capable.
She fired one more text off letting him know she hoped he was having fun with his brother and understood if he didn’t make it back to her bed that night.
Except he didn’t make it back the next night either.
She’d be worried he was dead except there he was on her screen skating around the ice.
Her texts sat there, unread.
It was weird and completely out of character for the man she’d fallen for.
And that’s what sent her spiralling as she wondered how well she actually knew him.
If it had all been an act then he was in the wrong profession.
He could be making millions in warmer climates acting in movies and winning Oscars.
He’d make a killing in Hollywood and his body wouldn’t be broken and bruised constantly.
She paced her living room wondering if she should race to his place and confront him, but with his brother there she didn’t know how comfortable she’d be doing that.
She pulled her coat on and off several times before deciding that she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how desperate she was to know what was going on.
She was angrily pulling on her pyjamas when she heard the front door open and her heart stopped.
The sound of his coat being hung next to hers. The huff as he slipped his shoes off, likely because his body ached from the game. Then the slow, almost reserved steps up the stairs.
Seconds later, there he was, standing in her door and looking like he’d been dragged through hell between the last time she’d seen him and now.
Neither moved and Octavia felt her heart begin to crack open. Usually, Nathan barely made it into a room she was in before his hands were on her. Tonight, the five feet between them felt further than any FaceTime they’d ever had.
“I need to tell you something.” His voice came out barely above a whisper and Octavia felt the crack deepen.
He hadn’t answered because he’d been with someone else. He was moving on. He was done pretending to love her. He was about to be publicly accused of something. Scenarios whipped up in her mind like a tornado.
“You may want to sit down,” he said, swallowing as his hands disappeared into his pockets.
Octavia stared at where his hands had gone, wishing they were on her instead. This all felt wrong.
She backed up and slowly sat on her bed, forcing herself to look at him.
“So—”
“Who is she?” she blurted out.
Nathan blinked back. “What?”
“Who were you with last night?” She hated the desperation in her voice. Hated how fucking pathetic she sounded.
Whatever had been holding Nathan back seemed to snap and he was suddenly kneeling at her feet, hands grasping her thighs as if he was afraid she was about to spring up and run away.
“I didn’t cheat on you, Octavia. I was with Scottie puking my guts out.”
“You were sick?”
“Yes. No…well, sort of.” Nathan stumbled over his words, doing nothing to put her mind at ease. “I um, found something out and I didn’t handle it well.”
“What?”
This close, Octavia could see how tired he looked. His eyes were red-rimmed with dark circles under them like he’d been crying and not sleeping.
“I don’t even know how to say this. I’ve been going over and over it but, just know this is uncharted territory and I don’t ev—”
“Oh my god, what did you give me?” Octavia gasped, jumping up and moving away.
Nathan was on his feet seconds later, hands held out in that way people gesture for someone to calm down.
“Nothing. Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair.
“I didn’t cheat on you. You’ve seen all my tests.
I fucking love you and I need you to remember that when I tell you this, but I need you to just listen okay. ”
A flustered Nathan was an odd sight, but Octavia finally nodded, she wasn’t about to go sit down again though.
“The night we met. The night my brother was in the accident…he had been on his way to a date.” He stopped talking and just looked at her as if she was going to finish the story.
“Okay.”
He took a deep, stuttering breath, and she watched him as he broke in front of her.
“Scottie was on his way to meet a redhead in a blue dress at The Emerald Hotel.”
The world stopped spinning, jerking to a halt before reversing course and spinning faster than ever. Scottie was Blaze…Blaze was Nathan’s brother.
Octavia’s back hit the wall and she sank to the floor as texts whirled around in her memory.
Her excitement about meeting him. How sure she felt about it.
Hours of conversation. The disappointment that nearly took her out when he hadn’t shown up.
The brief euphoria Nathan had given her before having to leave because of an emergency.
Leave because her date had been hit by a fucking bus.
“What the fuck?” She gasped, her attention settling on Nathan who was now sitting across from her with his back against the bed.
She took him in. He looked heartbroken, as if his entire world had imploded in front of his eyes.
Octavia had seen so many movies where heartbreak was acted out and not a single one of those actors had gotten it right, because looking at him physically hurt her. It hurt her because she loved this man.
Blaze, or Scottie rather, had only been a possibility.
A man she maybe could possibly one day fall in love with, and it suddenly hit her that maybe Nathan wasn’t going to be able to love her knowing that.
Maybe he was going to end this out of some obligation to a brother he always felt got screwed over.
“Nathan,” she said, his name a plea.
His brown eyes, bottomless pits of hopelessness, met hers.
She didn’t even know what to say, because in that moment she didn’t want to lie or make walking away from her easier, so she said the only thing that made sense.
“I love you. This doesn’t change that. Not for me anyway.
” She swallowed down the sob that threatened to overwhelm her, pushing aside her fear of his response.
“You told me that if I was going to walk away from this”—she gestured between them—“for some guy on the internet it would ruin you. I am so sorry for what happened to Scottie, Nathan. And I realize things would have been different if that hadn’t happened.
But it did and I met you and fell in love with you despite everything.
So I understand if you need more time. But missing out on meeting Scottie didn’t ruin me.
You ending this because you feel guilty… that may.”
Nathan slid across the carpet and pulled Octavia into his arms, and then they sat like that until their tears had stopped and their breathing had almost returned to normal.
“I had prepared myself for you to end it,” he said, his words floating against her neck. “I had convinced myself that I was about to lose you.”
Octavia sat back and took his face in her hands. “I’m not going anywhere, Nathan.”
“Bu—”
“No.” She laid a finger over his lips “There is no but. This doesn’t change how I feel about you.
It doesn’t change the weeks of falling more and more in love with you.
And not just because you’re ridiculously good in bed.
” A tiny smile appeared on his tear-stained face.
“I love you because you’re a beautiful person and I don’t doubt how you feel about me.
Okay, so I did panic when I hadn’t heard from you, but now that I know, those feelings seem irrelevant. ”
“No, those feelings were valid, Autumn. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you immediately.
I didn’t handle it well. I started thinking back to how resistant you had been in the beginning, not just because of my profession but because of this guy on the internet.
And then I thought well, she’s going to feel bad for him and maybe she’ll walk away and they’ll see if what they had online was real and then it will be because my brother is amazing and Octavia is impossible not to love and then I was on my knees puking into the toilet…
” Nathan trailed off when he saw Octavia shaking her head.
“I love you, Nathan Albertson. This is just a slight complication, not a derailment. Let my words of affirmation be louder than whatever your imagination is conjuring up.”
“It’s going to be awkward at dinner.”
She let out a sad laugh. “Well, maybe we can do an introduction before? And we don’t have to let everyone know that while you had me pinned against the wall with my leg thrown over your shoulder, your brother was receiving lifesaving care.”
Later on, after they’d gone in circles apologizing, laughing, crying, whispering I love you across one another’s skin, they fell asleep holding onto one another for dear life.