Chapter 1 #2
“You’re what?” he asks, sounding completely shocked as though we didn’t talk about this in Vegas.
“I wanted to come sooner, but Blake has been coming to the city every weekend for wedding stuff. I don’t know why I assumed that, since he and Liam are getting married on their farm, it would be a chill wedding, but nope.
Super fucking bougie. So that’s why I haven’t been able to move in yet,” I explain, hoping that if he knows I wanted to be here with him even sooner, it might change his attitude.
John is still staring at me with that somber, grumpy expression. “Chad, I don’t know why you think you’re moving in with me, but you’re not. I’m serious. This isn’t up for debate, okay?”
“If this is about the sex stuff, I’ve been talking with Blake about that extensively, too. I’m ready. Gay sex sounds fun,” I assure him.
John seems to be into some kinky stuff. I don’t know exactly what, but we talked about hooking up briefly after our wedding, and he basically said I wouldn’t be able to handle what he’s into.
If I hadn’t passed out on the ride home, I think we would’ve crossed several lines, but that stupid champagne ruined my chances of consummating the marriage. I’m never drinking champagne again.
“I’ve been using all that time with Blake to ask about everything I apparently need to know about having sex with another man,” I continue.
I don’t know if John wants to know specifics, but I figure I might as well tell him.
I don’t want to start our marriage out with secrets.
“Like, what it’s like to touch a dick that isn’t your own, what it’s like to suck one, who does what, how you can possibly fit a massive dick into such a tiny, tight hole—side note, I did try with my finger, and ooooh baby.
Oh, and how to prep, how to not make it messy—if you catch my drift—and what happens if it’s messy.
If licking an asshole is actually hot, if—”
“Jesus Christ, Chad!” John shouts. “Stop talking!”
“I’m sorry, I just want you to know I’m really ready now that Blake has answered every single question I could think of. I’m so lucky he’s my best friend.”
“So you told Blake?” he growls, seeming a tiny bit more upset.
“No! I didn’t, I swear I didn’t!” I rush to explain because that was one thing John didn’t want.
He told me I couldn’t tell anyone, and I agreed so he wouldn’t rush to annul our marriage, as he’d initially wanted.
“I just asked like I was generally curious about it all. And if you’re worried that he’d think it was weird that I’m suddenly so curious about gay sex, don’t be.
He’s been thrilled to explain all of it to me. He gave me lots of examples.”
He grunts at me, and I realize we still haven’t moved from the front porch.
“Are you going to show me the house? I can’t wait to see where we’re going to start our life together.”
He shuts his eyes for a long moment and takes a deep breath.
“Chad, you are not moving in. We are not living together. I told you, the only reason we didn’t immediately annul our marriage is because I’m never going to get married, so it doesn’t matter.
In my eyes, we aren’t married. What we did was a stupid mistake we can both forget all about. ”
“Ouch,” I mutter automatically, unable to hide my flinch.
The night of our wedding, he told me he made a promise to himself he’d never marry anyone because he’d lost the person he’d planned to marry.
I didn’t really know what he meant, and I still don’t, but I thought he’d agreed that they would want him to be happy when he decided to marry me that night, and choosing to do something that would make us both happy is definitely not a mistake.
My mom’s super into self-help books and personal growth. She’s been sharing what she learns with me my whole life, so I like to think I know a thing or two about being in touch with my emotions. I just need to figure out a way to get John there and remind him how happy we were when we said “I do.”
Oh my God! I have a genius idea. I pull out my phone and click on the video Scotty took of our wedding vows, scrolling until it’s John’s turn to talk. “I don’t think you mean that,” I say as I hold the phone out so he can watch and press play.
“Chad… you are exhausting. You are loud. You don’t listen.
You touch me way too much.” The video shows me nodding in agreement to all of that, standing in front of him, holding his hands in mine on the altar.
“But… you’ve also made me laugh more in the last few days than I ever would’ve expected, and I guess I had kind of forgotten what that felt like.
For some reason, being here with you doesn’t seem wrong.
I’m sure you’re going to wake up and regret this tomorrow because as I’ve mentioned repeatedly, I am a man—”
“No, I won’t! I swear!” I hear my own voice cut in on the clip.
“Chad, I don’t really know what it is about you. You’re right, though, you’re just special. I don’t hate it.”
My chest tightens every single time I watch the video when he says that, and I lock my phone before I can spiral because I’m sure I’ll eventually get this reaction out of him again. I have to. I can’t give up on us.
Our connection was about so much more than realizing I’m attracted to a man.
John made me feel cared for and protected in a way no one else ever has.
Him choosing me that weekend made me feel seen for who I really am.
I want to feel that way again, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to make him smile, to earn his laughter, to feel like he really cares about me the way he seemed to when we were in Vegas.
“John, please don’t downplay our connection,” I insist. “If it didn’t exist, there’s no way we’d be looking at each other like that in the video.
You never would have agreed to marry me if we didn’t clearly make each other so happy.
Even if we did do a lot of shots that night, I only think it made us more honest with each other.
Let me show you how good we can be. Please? ”
“Fuuuck, Chad,” he groans again, rubbing his hands over his face, still sounding frustrated. Probably because he knows I’m right.
I don’t know why he’s so afraid to admit it.
Finally, he scratches his beard, looks over my shoulder toward my car in his driveway, and heaves out a deep sigh. “You can come in, but I’m finding you a hotel.”