Chapter 10 #2
I hate public speaking, and I’ve been dreading this part all day.
Crowds and people are not my thing. We take our seats at the front of the barn, but I’m way too nervous to really hear everything Wyatt says.
Something about how proud he is of Liam and how he’s so happy to have a second son now.
The room is silent, aside from some obvious crying as he chokes up talking about how much Liam’s mom would have loved Blake.
Chad is next, and thank fuck I don’t have to follow that.
“Wow, really warmed up the audience there, Wyatt, thanks,” Chad starts with his signature smile as he takes the microphone, and there’s a few laughs from the crowd.
“I’m not sure if you all know this, but I’m actually the one to thank for this perfect day since I was the one who told Blake about the show he and Liam met on. ”
A few people in the audience cheer and whoop as Chad casually paces the front of the reception, looking over at the table where just Blake and Liam sit. They’re both smiling at him as he continues.
“I’ve always liked the idea of love. That there’s someone out there for everyone who’s perfectly made to complement them.
That, with that person, you’ll be stronger, happier, and the best version of yourself.
But true love always seemed like a foreign concept to me, like something that was meant for real adults, people who had their lives together.
Not for me and my friends who cared way more about sports than almost anything else. ”
He pauses, and I realize that other than the laughs in response to his speech, the room is still silent. I glance around and confirm that all eyes are glued to Chad.
Everyone is completely captivated by his easy charisma and charm.
“Blake and I grew up together. We pulled a lot of stunts over the years from claiming we were going to run away together to pretending to be sick in school at the same time so the nurse would send us both home and we could hang out.” He looks back at Blake who smiles and shrugs as though that was a perfectly normal thing to do.
Chad turns back to the crowd. “Then we got older and life began to change. There was college, football, work, all sorts of future expectations. We weren’t those kids anymore, but it still felt like us against the world.
” He walks over and puts a hand on Liam’s shoulder who smiles up at him.
“Until Liam. Liam completely changed Blake’s life for the better.
I never would have imagined my best friend living on a farm, but I see how happy he is here, and now I can’t imagine him anywhere else.
” Blake and Liam look at each other, the love between them clear as day, and Chad walks back to the front of the room.
“I’m sure you’ve probably all seen the moment Blake told me he was dating Liam, watched it unfold on Love Without Labels, but I want you all to know that I couldn’t have picked a more perfect partner for Blake if I’d lined up every single person in the world.
” He smiles at the happy couple, and then the crowd, who are all mirroring him.
It’s… disarming to see Chad like this. To witness him hold the attention and respect of the room.
Chad has always been so goofy and carefree, and I think a part of me has resented how unseriously he takes things.
But as I look around at all the smiling faces locked onto him, I realize that Chad’s ability to make other people happy isn’t something to be so dismissive of.
A lot of these people were crying moments ago in response to Wyatt talking about Liam’s mom.
If my speech had been next, there’s no way everyone would look so happy.
I’d probably come across as cold, where Chad’s a literal ray of sunshine, spreading joy wherever he goes.
He makes it seem so easy that I’ve ignored the impact he can really have.
Have I really been so content in my permanently melancholy state that I’ve actually been annoyed by him making other people happier? With him for making me laugh and smile?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I missed some of the speech, stuck in my own head, but I try to focus back on what Chad is saying after another loud round of laughter.
“Then Blake was asking me to leave a professional hockey game in the second period, and I knew right then and there, not only that true love existed, but that my best friend had found it.” Chad laughs before continuing.
“It was alarming, really, to realize that sports were no longer the most important thing to him, but I can confidently say that since meeting Liam, Blake is stronger, happier, and the very best version of himself that I’ve ever known.
I couldn’t be happier for you both! Let’s all raise a toast. Cheers to the happy couple. May we all be so lucky in love.”
I hold up my glass. “Cheers.”
I was worried about Wyatt, but how the fuck am I supposed to follow that?
Chad holds out the microphone to me, and I hesitantly stand to take it.
He also offers me an encouraging smile as I clear my throat.
“Well, I thought Liam was my best friend, but if he chose to have me give a speech after those two, then I’m questioning if he likes me at all,” I say, flinching slightly at the sound of my voice echoing throughout the room.
I wouldn’t claim to be a very funny person on a good day, but I guess my attempt for light humor works because people laugh and Chad is beaming at me from our table. That look of pride from him affects me more than I’d care to admit.
“But in all seriousness, I couldn’t have said it better than Chad.
I’ve known Liam my whole life, and while we didn’t fake being sick to spend more time together, I’ve had the chance to watch him grow over the years.
Since meeting Blake, I’ve seen him become more certain in himself, more settled into the man I’ve always been proud to call my best friend.
I’m really happy for you both. I won’t delay dinner any longer than that. Cheers.”
“Fucking hell,” I mutter to myself as I lean my head back against the outside of the barn.
I probably should’ve done this an hour ago, but after dinner when everyone in the wedding party gravitated toward the dance floor, I ended up moving to my family’s table.
I felt like I was glued to the chair, completely ignoring my parents’ conversation about how great my brother Drew’s band has been tonight, and all the questions they were throwing at Mark about when he’ll start dating again, or at James about when he’ll have kids.
Luckily, they know not to push me, and I was able to sit there uninterrupted, staring at Chad.
Witnessing him dance with seemingly every single person at this wedding, ignoring me for once, felt like some strange form of torture, yet I couldn’t look away. I was only able to drag myself outside to get some air because he finally stopped dancing to talk to Blake.
Chad isn’t actually mine. I shouldn’t feel like my blood is literally boiling every time his face lights up while talking to someone who isn’t me.
I should let him have fun, dance with whoever he wants, be his normal cheery self.
I definitely shouldn’t want to storm onto the dance floor and claim him as that ridiculous H-word to get other people to stay away from him.
But what I should and shouldn’t want to do with Chad stopped making sense months ago. Probably around the time he was on his knees in the bathroom stall of a gay club, offering to help me out with my erection.
I wonder where we’d be if I’d stayed in that stall and let him. I bet we never would’ve made it to the chapel that night. Maybe if I’d given in then, we’d both have already moved on, and I wouldn’t be torturing myself with fantasies about what being with him would actually be like.
“Hey, you okay?” Chad’s voice cuts through my thoughts, and my eyes fly open as I realize I must have closed them at some point.
I stand up straighter. “I’m fine. What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be in the barn dancing with someone?”
I didn’t mean it to sound like a challenge, but some of my jealousy slips into my tone. He shakes his head, all traces of his perfect smile gone. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
He steps closer, staring at my lips as he answers. “The only person I actually want to dance with tonight is you, John.”
I shake my head and sigh. “I saw you in there, Chad, you looked perfectly content without me.”
He takes another step closer, eliminating almost all the space between us as he meets my gaze for a moment before looking back at my mouth. “I saw you watching me. That’s the only reason I kept dancing. I like having your attention on me, John. I just don’t always know how to keep it there.”
He rests his hands on my chest, and I automatically bring mine to his hips, holding him in place.
I don’t know what I’m doing. This isn’t Vegas.
I haven’t had anything to drink tonight, stupidly thinking it would help me keep my distance from Chad if I were sober, and I don’t think Chad is drunk with how long he’s been on the dance floor.
I don’t have any excuses for why I feel this all-consuming need to touch him, to claim him, to take everything he’s offering me and forget about the consequences.
“Tell me what I need to do to have you, John,” he whispers, breath fanning against my lips. “Anything.”
I don’t think. There’s no conscious decision on my part, but suddenly, I’ve used my hold on Chad’s hips to spin us so I have him backed into the barn, and my lips are crashing into his.
Maybe it’s how uncharacteristically sad he looked, or maybe it was the way he seemed so eager to please me, but I couldn’t stop myself from touching him for even a moment longer.
He immediately melts into my hold, enthusiastically responding to every swipe of my tongue in his mouth, but in no way fighting me for dominance. My entire body feels like a live wire only moments into kissing him.
Everything is too much and not enough all at once. His hands are gripping my shirt now, attempting to pull me impossibly closer, and his already hard dick is grinding into where my thigh is pressed between his legs, holding him exactly how I want him.
This is easily the hottest kiss I’ve ever had, and I would like it to lead to so much more, but as he moans into my mouth—a content happy noise that would seem unauthentically over-the-top and pornographic if I didn’t already know how he sounds whenever he enjoys his food—I’m reminded of exactly what’s happening.
Because this is Chad, and as much as I would deny it out loud, I think I’ve started to know Chad pretty well. And I know this kiss means something to him.
Something I still don’t think I’m capable of offering him.
I immediately regret it as I force myself to pull away from him. The damage is probably already done. I should keep kissing him, keep touching him until he’s screaming my name, and deal with the fallout later.
Maybe he won’t romanticize the situation. And maybe I’ll be completely unaffected when he inevitably realizes I’m not the perfect husband he’s looking for and leaves.
But I think back to his speech about believing in love, about there being someone out there for everyone, about all the people he’s made smile today, and I’m reminded I’m not his person.
If such a thing exists, I was lucky enough to find love once, and he’s gone. Chad is so good. So pure. A source of light and joy and hope. I know it isn’t fair of me to waste his time now when he could be looking for the real thing. “Chad…” I start, unsure how to articulate everything I’m feeling.
“Don’t,” he begs, obviously sensing my hesitation despite the fact that I haven’t been able to step away from him. “Please, just give me one night.”
“I can’t be who you want me to…” I trail off again.
“John, I’m not asking you to be anyone other than you. I don’t want you to change or be something you’re not for me. I want you exactly as you are.”
He sounds so sincere, but that can’t possibly be true. I finally force myself to put distance between us, running my hands through my hair as I turn away from him. “You don’t though. Because I don’t do relationships, Chad, I’ve told you that.”
“Then let’s make an arrangement!” he suggests, throwing his hands out to the side in obvious frustration. “You said you do those. I just want to be with you, John. However you’ll have me!”
I spin back to give him an unamused look.
“We can’t ‘make an arrangement’ when we’re already living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed.
Adding sex to that is as serious as it gets, Princess.
” It fucking kills me that I’m hurting him right now.
But I know this is what has to happen. It’ll be better this way.
Easier for us both. I take a deep breath, and attempt a gentler tone.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. That wasn’t fair of me. I’m sorry, Chad.”
I storm away before he can protest any further.
Why is it so hard to walk away from him when I know I’m doing the right thing?
Fuck, and I can’t even storm out of the wedding properly because I drove Chad here.
The last thing I want to do right now is talk to anyone, but I need to know that Chad will be safe tonight, so I find Ash talking to some people I think are Blake’s friends from the city.
“Are you drinking?” I ask, interrupting their conversation.
He turns to me, obviously surprised. “Hey, John. Um, no, I have to drive back to the city in the morning and work tomorrow, so I haven’t been drinking. Why?”
I nod, relieved. “Can you make sure Chad has somewhere safe to sleep tonight? I drove him here, but I need to go.”
I glare at him expectantly until he finally agrees.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Call me if you need help with him, okay?” I demand, only walking away after he confirms.
I trust that Ash will make sure Chad is okay, they’ve been friends for years, and he seems like a very responsible person, but it still feels wrong to trust Chad’s safety with another man.
Not that Chad can’t take care of himself; I know he can.
But he also feels things so deeply, and today he’s gone through so many emotions already before I just fucked everything up with that kiss.
I would never forgive myself if anything happened to him.
I’ll probably never forgive myself for letting things get as far as they did with him either.
Or maybe that I didn’t take things further.
Fuck. What the hell am I doing?