Chapter 19 #2
“The friend I told you about who taught me how to do tattoos introduced me to it.” He pauses again and lets out a short laugh.
“He saw me covering my body in ink and piercings and guessed I might be looking for a sense of control. He was right. When he introduced me to kink, it was the first time in years I experienced a sense of calm.”
I nod as I think about everything he’s told me and everything I know about John.
When he talks about control, I now realize it isn’t about ego or even about dominance for the sake of power.
It’s obvious John’s been trying to heal something that broke inside of him when he lost Luke.
The rules, boundaries, and arrangements give him that sense of control.
If he knows what to expect, what’s allowed, how close he can get to someone and them to him, then nothing can hurt him again, the way life already has.
It all makes so much more sense now.
The day I surprised him by trying to be romantic, probably made him feel out of control.
He’d never let me surprise him with a date.
He’d never let me blindfold him because he can’t let go like that.
But I don’t need him to. If he wants to be the one doing those things for me, we’re both lucky, because I really enjoy being on the receiving end.
When he says he doesn’t catch feelings, I don’t think it’s because he’s incapable of them. He must be. He felt so strongly for Luke all those years ago, and he did agree to marry me in Vegas. He’s not some emotionless machine.
I think it’s because feelings make him feel vulnerable, and being vulnerable is scary.
He can’t control anything once his heart is invested.
None of us can. It’s not avoiding feelings and emotions for the sake of it.
It’s self-preservation for him, and realizing that doesn’t scare me away like maybe it should.
It makes me want to continue to be patient, to show him that I’m in this, that I’m not giving up on us.
I can respect his rules and boundaries. Or at least, I can put in the effort to really try, and rule one was no sleepovers.
“Alright, I think it’s time for me to go home,” I declare, standing up in the tub. John’s brows pull together, probably not expecting that when I normally try anything to get him to forgo the rules.
“Uh, yeah, okay, let me help you get dressed.” John opens the vanity cabinet to pull out a folded towel and hands it to me.
I dry myself off and change back into my discarded clothes I folded on his dresser earlier. John watches me closely as though he’s assessing my sudden change in behavior.
“Before you go,” he starts, leaning against the doorframe. “How are you feeling now?”
“Good. Like I said earlier, I really liked it,” I assure him, and I mean it. “I felt safe. It was fun. And yeah, I’d happily do it again.”
“Okay,” he says, although he sounds like he doesn’t quite believe me. “Yeah, that’s good.”
I grin, trying to lighten things before it gets too serious again. “Besides, that kink list was long. We’ve barely scratched the surface. I’m assuming you didn’t fill yours out yet?”
A smug look crosses his face. “I don’t need to, Princess. I’ll be leading this arrangement. Just remember your colors, and I’ll make sure you experience everything you want and nothing you don’t. Okay?”
“Okay, good,” I murmur, stepping closer as warmth fills my gut. “I like giving you the control. I trust you with it. You can do anything you want with me unless I crossed it out. There is no anal fisting in my future. Especially with your big hands. Got it?”
“Jesus,” he blurts before chuckling to himself, and I feel immense pride for pulling that reaction out of him. “Alright, that’s all I needed to hear. The first part. I don’t need to fist you.”
I grin as I grab my keys from the dresser, enjoying the feeling that, once again, we’re completely aligned. “Oh, and I think we can move the hot wax from a question mark to a yes, if you’re planning to update it, that is.”
Then I turn and leave his room to go home, feeling very proud of myself for how I handled all of that. Even if I did just leave voluntarily to go back to my creepy house all alone.
Just one more sleep until Jack and Jenny will be there to keep me company.
“Are you out of your mind?” John nearly shouts at me as he walks into my house to find Jack lying on the floor in front of me and Jenny nudging my hip with her fuzzy little nose, demanding more attention from where I sit on the couch.
“What?” I ask calmly, scratching behind Jenny’s ears. “Aren’t they the cutest thing in the world? They’re miniature babies.”
“They’re still donkeys, Chad, and they’re in your house.”
Jack lets out a soft bray and rolls slightly onto his side like a tiny lap dog.
They’re still so small, similar in size to a medium dog maybe, only so much more adorable.
I’m completely obsessed with them. As soon as the lady met us at the farm this morning to drop them off, I had Wyatt help me load them into my car safely to bring them here.
He kept asking me if I was sure and made it clear that I could keep them at the farm in the barn with the others if it became too much.
But I’m not worried. I literally live in a mansion—alone—and it needs a ton of work anyway, so if they scratch up the floors or something, I won’t mind.
The backyard is already fenced in too, so they can just go in and out as they please as long as I leave the door open for them when I’m here now that it’s summer.
Jenny nudges my hand until I start petting her again.
“They’re bonded,” I explain. “You can’t separate them.” Just like us, I think to myself hopefully.
“I’m not suggesting you separate them,” he says on a sigh. “I’m suggesting you don’t keep livestock in your living room. What are you not understanding about that?”
“They’re not livestock! They’re companion animals. That means they need to be around people and provide emotional support. There was a lot of information that supported them living inside with me. I looked it all up.”
“They have hooves, Chad. Hooves! You can go outside to see them like a normal person before they destroy your house.”
Jack chooses that moment to stand up and shuffle sideways… and thud gently into the flimsy side table, pushing it a solid inch across the floor.
Oops.
John closes his eyes briefly as if he’s trying to let the point he made earlier sink in without saying “told you so.”
“So, that reminds me,” I say brightly with a slight chuckle as I pivot the conversation because I can feel him gearing up for a lecture about the house. “When am I going to meet these mystery brothers of yours? Are they coming to do the work on my house? I forgot to ask you yesterday.”
“You’re changing the subject,” John grunts.
“I am,” I agree with a smile, completely aware of what I’m doing. “But I still want to know.”
He exhales, but some of the anxious edge he had drains out of him. “Yes, they are. I gave them all the info they need already. They’re working on the quote for you.”
“Oh, great! How soon can they start?”
“They’re just finishing up another project, so as long as you approve the quote, they can start next Monday.”
“Obviously, I’ll approve it,” I reply immediately. “I can’t wait to meet your family!”
“It’s not a big deal,” he mutters. “You’re hiring them to do work. That’s it.”
“It is a big deal,” I insist. “It would be a really big deal if you met my parents. I know you probably won’t want to, so I’ll have to warn you when they visit. They can’t wait to come up as soon as my dad’s knee can handle the drive.”
“I still can’t believe you told them you moved here to date a man,” he mumbles.
“Of course I did,” I say earnestly. “You’re nothing to hide, John. I know we aren’t dating, but we are sleeping together. I’d brag about that if you’d let me.”
He stares at me and inhales a deep breath. “Well, what’d you call me over here for anyway? What was this emergency?”
“Now who’s deflecting?” I call him out smugly, but decide not to press him further.
“I didn’t say it was an emergency, I said it was important, and it was that you had to meet Jack and Jenny.
Aren’t they the best? They’re so precious.
” I have full faith the three of us will fully win John over in no time.
“You named your donkey Jack? Like Jackass?”
Oh. I guess so. “Well, I didn’t actually name them, but I think it’s adorable.”
“I just… They aren’t house pets, Chad,” he repeats. “We really should set them up properly outside, or you know, bring them back to the farm?”
“No!” I shout. “Wyatt already told me they can live there, but I want them here with me. They’re my emotional support pet—oh my God!
Look! Look! John, look!” My heart is going to explode in my chest as I watch Jenny snuggle up on a dog bed in the living room.
“I could cry right now. Hang on, baby, let Daddy get a photo. I’m so proud of you for using your bed. ”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” John murmurs as I snap photos of her as fast as my finger can press the camera button on my phone.
“Wait, John, get a photo of me with her on the bed.” I hand John my phone, and he huffs, but I ignore it as I speed walk over to Jenny and kneel beside her, wrapping my arm around her as John takes the photo. She nuzzles into me, and there’s just no way she’ll sleep outside. No way.
“Here,” John says, holding the phone out to me.
“This is perfect. I’m so happy, John,” I say, still staring at it, already imagining it framed on the wall somewhere. “Now I never have to be alone here again.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize what I said and who I said it to, and guilt immediately consumes me.
“Is that what this is about, Chad?” John asks, looking slightly concerned.
I hesitate, my fingers still curled around the phone.
“No. Well… I don’t know.” I reach up to scratch behind Jenny’s ear as she leans harder into me.
“You know I don’t like being in this house alone,” I admit since this isn’t new information.
“It’s too quiet and big, and it’s creepy.
It’s so different from the city. The silence here is just… scary.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and he looks like he’s thinking hard, so I continue. I don’t want to make him feel bad for asking me to move out, especially not after last night with learning more about his need for control.
Besides, it’s not like he ever really asked me to move in. I just invited myself out of some fairy-tale belief that we’d live happily ever after without having to put any work in to get there. John’s helped me realize working for something I want can be fun though. So much fun.
“But I respect your space,” I add. “Or I’m trying to. I know you need it, and I’m doing my best.”
Which is true. Because I’m trying more than he realizes by not asking him to stay, by not asking him for more than the arrangement he offered me. Understanding him means not rushing him or trying to take away the thing that makes him feel secure.
“You know, if something is actually wrong, you can call me,” he responds after a moment.
“Thank you, John. That means a lot.”
And it does, but I know he means emergencies. Broken pipes, mini donkey crises, or real intruders.
Not loneliness.
Not when I miss him.
Because that would mean his phone would never stop ringing.
And when he eventually walks out the door to head home for the night, my heart aches for him to come back.