Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Clara
Counting inventory was exactly the type of tedious task my mind needed to take it off Beckett and the humiliating way I’d left last night.
I still cannot believe that Noah walked in and saw – whatever he saw before Beckett covered me and threw Noah out.
I’d never been so embarrassed. I didn’t technically have a reason to be. We were consenting adults, after all. But it was awful to have Beckett’s youngest brother see me … doing what I’d been doing.
It also didn’t matter that Beckett had been there for all of my embarrassing moments growing up. Back then, he’d always been Beckett, Best Friend.
Now, he was … what? Lover? We haven’t actually even had sex yet – though my body certainly wanted to.
Friend with sexual benefits? No, that was weird. Plus, Beckett wasn’t one to do anything halfway. He was an all or nothing man. I knew that about him at least. No, anything less than us together would be off the table – unless we kept it at just friends.
I shook my head, trying to clear the thoughts and refocused on the task in front of me.
I checked product against the system, marked an item as ‘need to order’ on my notepad, and adjusted the quantity.
The new soap vendor’s products were popular.
I made a note to let her know; maybe she could expand her booth space or bring in other products.
Done with the inventory for the night, I put the notepad on my desk and sat. I needed to update the system and send a few emails, but I kept thinking about Beckett.
My world was off kilter when things with him were unsettled. It didn’t happen often, thankfully.
What if we did try to be more than friends, but it didn’t work? Then what? Would it even be possible to go back to being just friends?
It’ll be even more difficult now that I know how his tongue feels on my skin, how his lips tasted against mine, and the sound he makes as I bring him to orgasm with my mouth.
I’d never had so much power in giving a man a blowjob. The few other men I’d been with had tried to either hold my head still or tried to shove deeper than I could handle.
Beckett, though. He’d given up any semblance of control and just let me explore and taste him. I’d felt just as seen and cared for in that shower as I had when he had me splayed out on the worktable of the tack room.
Was the possibility of it not working between us and maybe losing my best friend in the process worth the risk?
I needed to talk it out with someone else.
I sure as hell couldn’t talk to Beckett about this. Not yet. I’d either run away or climb him like a tree. Besides, he’d been out of range today doing trail inspections. I was excited for him, and so proud of the vision that he and his brothers were going to bring to life.
I grabbed my phone and sent a message to Margot to see if she was free tonight.
My phone dinged with a message from Margot with an invite to her apartment whenever I finished up at the store.
Thank goodness for girlfriends.
Margot’s studio apartment was only a five minute drive from the store, but I stopped into the little market to grab some snacks. I wasn’t about to walk into her home without bringing something.
“Did you bring … food?” Margot shook her head at me and smiled as she took the bag out of my hands and moved to her kitchen area.
I stepped into the small, beautifully decorated space and slipped off my shoes.
“Of course I brought snacks. It’s the least I could do since I’m interrupting your evening to talk about a guy.”
Margot whirled where she stood in front of the kitchen counter, one finger pointing at me. “I knew it! It’s Beckett, right?”
I wanted to smack myself. Right. I hadn’t told her why I asked if she was free tonight.
I followed her into the kitchen and started to pull the food out of my favorite cloth tote bags.
“Would you prefer we use plates or bowls, or just directly from the bag?” I asked as held up the bags of chips.
Margot opened the bottom cabinet at her legs, reached in, and pulled out two large serving bowls. “These are good, and if you do want your own bowl, those are in the cabinet to your left.”
Once food was in bowls, we settled on the small loveseat and Margot gave me an expectant look.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admitted.
“I just need to know something first. Do you think all of the Ashland men are good in bed?”
I nearly choked on the chip I’d just popped into my mouth. “Margot!”
She just shrugged. “It’s important information. They all look like they’d know what to do, you know? Especially Thatcher.”
I shivered. Ew. He was like a younger brother to me and that was not a thought I wanted in my head. But, if we’re doing girl talk …
“I have zero desire to think that way about Thatch, but Beckett knows exactly what to do.” The memory of Beckett using his tongue and fingers flashed through my mind. I couldn’t stop the blush, but I tried to hide it behind a sip of my drink.
“Clara! I knew that man was hot for you.”
“Oh, please.”
“No, if you know he knows what he’s doing, then not only is he hot for you but that feeling is mutual. How long have you two been sleeping together? I’m guessing it’s new, since you’re obviously freaking out about it.”
“I …” I almost denied everything she said, but she was right. “Yep. I have no idea what to do.”
“Tell me everything and we’ll figure it out.”
I didn’t tell her everything, but I told her about Beckett’s “don’t I know it” comment, showing up at the barn and him kissing me for the first time.
How it had felt like coming home. And after I explained the dinner, getting caught by Noah, and my subsequent quick exit … the snacks were almost gone.
Margot had listened intently, without interruptions. Other than her eyes going wide or her brow knitting together, Margot had been quiet.
“Do you love him?”
I knew it wasn’t what she meant but I took the cowards way out. “He’s my best friend, of course I do.”
Margot just looked at me. No harsh words, no cruel judgement. She simply waited for me to get sick of my own bullshit and be honest.
I fidgeted. Did I want to admit to feelings for Beckett? If I did, even just to Margot, it’d mean opening that box in my heart.
I wasn’t sure I could handle it if he rejected me.
Margot continued to simply stare at me. “Tell me what you’re scared of Clara.”
I sighed. “The obvious. What if it doesn’t work? How can I survive losing my best friend? Then I’d have to move because there’s no way I’d be able to live in this town after that.” I started to ramble and all of the worst-case-scenario thoughts tumbled out.
Margot held up a hand. “Woah. You’re … okay. I understand your fear of losing your best friend. That’s a rational concern to have – that possibility is scary.”
“Thank you! I –”
She cut me off, hand in the air. “Ah, I’m not done. That’s where my agreement ends. The rest of it … having to move? Babe, that’s catastrophizing something that hasn’t even happened. Backtrack with me a bit, can we try that?”
I nodded, somehow not feeling like a ridiculous person.
“First thing to clear up – you’re in love with Beckett.” Margot framed it as a statement, not a question.
I didn’t bother to protest or deny it. There was no point – I wouldn’t have asked her for a girl’s night if I wasn’t. She took my silence as agreement.
“Glad we’re out of denial.” She winked at me. “And in my not-quite-unsolicited opinion … he’s a good man. We haven’t known each other very long, but you don’t strike me as someone to fall for an asshole.”
I smiled and took another sip of my drink, resisting the urge to quip about previous boyfriends.
“Let me be completely honest with you, Clara. That man is just as in love with you.”
“I’m not so sure.” I knew he enjoyed hanging out together and being friends, but what if it’s just been a while since he’s gotten laid and I was in the right place at the right time? What if it’s a proximity thing and not more?
“I knew it the first time I met him. Do you remember how I tried flirting with him at the store?”
I cringed and then laughed. “I was surprised he didn’t at least take you dancing!”
Margot threw her hands up in the air. “Beckett dances?!”
“Yeah. Really, really well.” I laughed again.
“Of course he does.” Margot waved her hand as if to dismiss the distracting thoughts. “Anyway, I was upset by his rejection, kind as it was. Until he glanced at you while you were helping someone. There was no way I – or anyone – could compete with the way he looks at you.”
I blushed, but what Margot said didn’t make sense. “We look at each other all the time! And that,” I waved my hand in her general direction, “has never been the way he’s looked at me.”
“Clara. Love you to pieces but you’re an idiot. That’s the only way that man looks at you. You haven’t seen it because that’s probably how he’s always looked at you. The man might think he’s hiding it but he’s not.”
I stared at my drink. I wasn’t sure how to feel about any of it. There was so much tangled up in my head and my heart when it came to Beckett, I couldn’t find the knots to even start pulling it apart.
“Wait, you don’t look happy. What’s wrong?” Margot scooted a little closer on the loveseat and put her hand on my knee. “Clara?”
I looked at her and then looked at the small rug on the floor. The edge of it disappeared under our seats, but the blues and greens swirled and danced together in a mesmerizing way.
Margot waited, and I was grateful that she didn’t push. When I finally spoke, the fear I’d been holding onto came out in a rush.
“If he’s been in love with me this whole time, then why hasn’t he said or done anything about it?
Why not tell me? Why now? What made him decide to kiss me in the barn now?
What if he’s just tired of not finding the right woman and I’m just convenient and we know each other well enough that he’s … settling?”
Margot was quiet for a few minutes; long enough that I thought maybe she didn’t want to tell me she agreed.
Finally, she said, “I can tell you my opinion and what I think based on the limited amount of time I’ve seen the two of you together. I can repeat it a thousand times over. But I think you need to have this conversation with Beckett. He’s the only one that can give you answers.”
“You’re good at this whole ‘girl talk’ thing, you know.”
Margot grinned, her brown eyes lighting up at the compliment. “Thanks. My door is always open for girl talk.”
“Same for mine. I really needed this tonight. Thank you.”
“I’m happy to help. Do you still want me to tell you what I think?”
I considered for a minute before I nodded. I’d still talk to Beckett because Margot was right about that – it was a conversation we needed to have. But an outside perspective from someone I trust was the kind of objectivity I needed. Plus, she’d been spot on with her input so far.
“That man has been in love with you for a long, long time. I don’t know why he chose now, I really don’t. He’s probably been scared of losing you and that’s what stopped him from making a move.”
Her words sank in. It was the same reason I’d never said anything about my own feelings – I was too scared to lose his friendship and presence in my life. Hell, were we both the biggest idiots on the planet?
By the time we called it a night, and I collapsed in my own bed, it was nearly midnight.
The only thing I’d figured out was admitting my feelings didn’t have to mean the end of everything. It could, but it wasn’t an inevitable outcome just because I had the thought.
Even with that revelation, I wasn’t sure what to do next. I needed to talk to Beckett about it.
Before I could second-guess my impulse, I sent Beckett a message to see if he could meet tomorrow.
Not only did I want to apologize for vanishing when Noah appeared last night, but I needed to make sure he wasn’t using me as a placeholder for whoever else might come along.