Episode 219
STILL
Brett
Jake and I don’t say much as we leave the house and walk back to the beach. My stomach growls, and it dawns on me that I haven’t eaten much today. Hell, have I eaten at all? It’s nearing dinnertime.
I walk beside him, my hands jammed deep into the pockets of my shorts. Our steps fall into an easy rhythm, even after all this time. Jake walks like he’s holding the universe on his back. I feel for him. He wanted to believe the world was fair and righteous, and it nearly killed him when it wasn’t.
He glances sideways. “You’re quiet.”
I draw in a breath. “Just trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.”
He chuckles. “Granted, I’ve been gone a long time, but I don’t remember you ever having trouble saying what you thought, Brett.”
Fuck.
My name on his lips.
I remember how I used to love the sound.
I blink, thrown off. He keeps walking like he didn’t just say something that rearranged my heartbeat.
“I cried for a month after you died, man,” I finally say.
He stops, turns to look at me. “Seriously? I thought I annoyed the hell out of you.”
He’s trying to lighten the moment. Of course I mourned him. We all did. He just doesn’t know the extent of my grief.
“You did,” I say. “But not the way you think.”
I let that hang between us.
I can see his mind working. He’s thinking he annoyed me because of his commitment to justice. After all, he was always the moral compass, and I…
Well, I wasn’t.
Most of our capers were brainchildren of mine.
After a few moments, I gather my courage once more. “I couldn’t sleep after you…left. I’d stare at the ceiling and count all the things I never said.”
Jake doesn’t answer. He just exhales, slow and deep.
“I went to your funeral. Put flowers on an empty box. I cried like someone had carved me open from the inside.”
“Brett…” His voice is rough.
“I’m in love,” I say, surprising myself.
It’s true, but it’s not what I brought him here to tell him.
“With Sienna?” he asks.
I cock my head. “It’s that obvious?”
“On her end, it is. The way she looked at you. Plus, she’s a knockout. Totally your type.”
The way Jake said “knockout” grates on me. Is he attracted to Sienna? Doesn’t he have a woman back in Miami?
Fuck. Who the hell am I jealous of, anyway?
“Not on my end?” I ask.
“Hard to tell. All three of you were astonished when River showed up with me.”
I rub my eyes against the salty breeze. “I love her, man. Totally. And the thing is… It’s only the second time in my life I’ve felt that way about someone.”
“Oh?”
I nod. “And the last time was twenty years ago.”
He shuffles his feet. “Back in high school? Bridget Monahan?”
Wow. I haven’t thought about Bridget Monahan in ages. She was a member of the freshman drill team, and damn, she had a rack on her. We popped each other’s cherries when we were both fifteen. It was great, but I didn’t love her.
“No, not Bridget,” I say. I pause, gathering my strength once again. “I was in love with you.”
Jake goes still. He doesn’t turn, doesn’t breathe. For a full ten seconds, it’s like time stops around us.
“You don’t have to say anything,” I add quickly. “I’m with Sienna now. She’s… She’s the real thing. I love her.”
He finally turns. “But you loved me first.”
I nod. “Yeah. You were my first everything. Even if nothing ever happened.”
His expression twists—something between regret and revelation. “I’ll be damned. So you’re bi, then?”
I sigh. “I guess, technically. I’ve never been attracted to another man in that way, but I can’t deny what I felt back then.”
What I still feel, but I don’t say it.
Because how much of it is real and how much is simply an ache from the past?
Sienna is real. Sienna is the present.
Jake clenches his jaw. “Fuck. That’s huge, man. I had no idea.”
“Yeah. Well, you know me. I don’t exactly wear my heart on my sleeve.”
He exhales sharply. “No. I mean, you sure didn’t back then.”
“But you did.” I meet his gaze. “You loved Marnie.”
He nods. “I did. Losing her fucked me up, Brett.”
“I imagine. No one ever figured out what happened to her. But Sebastian and River told Alex and me that she was pregnant when she disappeared.”
Jake shakes his head. “Fuck. So much you don’t know yet.”
“Care to enlighten me?”
He stares out into the blue ocean. “I owe you that much, but let’s wait until after the wedding. I don’t want to fuck it up for Alex.”
I’m not sure waiting is a good idea. Does Jake really want to lay more on Alex when he should be on his honeymoon?
But I stay quiet about it.
The silence between us stretches, thick with everything we never were. Part of me wants to let it go, to leave it buried with the years we lost. But another part, the part that stayed up night after night wondering what if, won’t let me.
Maybe it’s selfish. Maybe it’s cruel. But I need the truth, even if it stings. Even if it’s too late to do anything about it.
“I don’t regret loving you,” I say. “But I have to know. If I’d said something back then, would it have made a difference?”