Episode 237
STILL LOVING YOU
Brett
The door clicks shut behind me.
I walked the beach a bit after Sienna left me, and now I’m back in my suite.
Enough feeling sorry for myself. Alex is getting married, and we’re giving him a bachelor sendoff this evening.
This day has been so long already, and though I should be enjoying the silence of my own space, it actually feels louder than anything I’ve heard all day.
No waves crashing. No voices carrying along the breeze.
Just the echo of Sienna’s voice in my head and the sting of salt on my skin.
I lean against the wall for a second, my eyes closed, trying to catch my breath.
She walked away.
I can’t blame her.
I pushed her to the edge and then asked her to hold my hand while I teetered over it.
I rub my hand over my face. My fingers come away damp. Whether from sweat or tears, I’m not sure. Maybe both.
I head into the bedroom, drop down onto the edge of the bed, and sit there, elbows on my knees, trying to breathe. Trying not to fall into the spiral of what-ifs and regrets that’s been nipping at my heels since Jake appeared in that doorway this morning.
Sienna.
God, Sienna.
She makes me laugh in ways I didn’t know I could anymore. She challenges me, calls me on my shit, and kisses like she was born to start fires with her mouth.
And I love her. Not in some half-hearted way like the way I expected to eventually find love.
I fucking love her.
Her intelligence, her humor, her self-deprecation. Even though she’s the perfect woman, she doesn’t see herself that way. And the woman can move! She’s my dancing queen.
Then there’s Jake.
My first true love.
He never knew, but he felt it.
I’m still amazed that we might have been able to have something all those years ago.
But I mourned him. Grieved him.
Let him go.
I had to.
I’ve spent my life compartmentalizing. It was the only way to survive, to thrive, to build my empire.
And now?
Jake is back.
He’s handsome, and good, and he has secrets that must be eating him alive.
But he’s still the Jake I remember.
I hate comparing them. It feels wrong. Like choosing between two songs written in different keys. Two kinds of fire. Sienna is the future I want to deserve. Jake is the past I never stopped bleeding over.
And maybe that’s the problem.
They both see me.
Sienna sees the man I want to be—better, braver, open to love without fear of what it will cost me. Jake sees the boy I was, the wildness and the ache, and maybe even the pieces I thought I had to kill off to become the man I am.
What if I don’t have to choose?
What if loving them both doesn’t make me a monster?
But that’s a question I can’t afford to ask.
I sit with that thought longer than I mean to until the sun shifts lower.
Time to party.
I drag myself up and into the shower. Scalding water, rough lather, rinse and repeat. It doesn’t fix anything, but it dulls the ache. For now.
I scrub my face harder than I need to. Try to wash away the guilt. Try to reset my heart. But the images stay. Sienna’s tear-bright eyes. Jake’s mouth, swollen from our kiss. The look in both of their faces.
I towel off and pull on a tropical shirt, cool against skin still burning from the day.
The linen pants are clean enough, creased from the chair I tossed them on.
A leather cuff around my wrist, scuffed sandals on my feet.
I don’t bother with cologne, just run a hand through my hair and call it good.
I look decent. Put together. And if I can pass for fine on the outside, maybe no one will see the wreck I am underneath.
I’m ready for Alex’s bachelor party. His send-off. A true celebration.
He found the one.
Ariel, who was the first woman I noticed when we got to the island. She asked me to make love to her that first night.
I turned her down.
It took all my willpower, but I’m glad I did. She belongs with Alex.
I’m happy for them. Really, I am.
But all I want to do is drink until none of this hurts anymore.
I go to the minibar and pour two fingers of bourbon. Down it in one shot. It burns, but it doesn’t do shit to warm the hollow inside me.
I pace the room. I wish I had my phone to text Sienna. Tell her I’m sorry again.
But she asked for time.
And Jake? I left him on the beach to go after Sienna. God knows where he is now.
Maybe I’m the one who needs to disappear.
I think back to the first time I kissed Sienna on the beach.
She was distraught over Leroy, and I told her to go back to him. To try to work it out. Then I accompanied her to the airport…and we ended up fucking in the back of the car.
It was electric.
I knew then we had something rare—two hearts still aching from old wounds but drawn to each other with a pull too strong to fight. We weren’t just healing. We were falling. And what we were building was deeper, stronger, more powerful than anything we’d lost.
Then…
Enter Jake.
My first love. For many years, I thought he might be my only love.
Both are pulling at me.
Jake feels like home, like being wild and free.
Sienna feels like the future. I could build a family with her, father her children.
And here I am, stuck between two versions of myself. Two lives. Two loves.
I go to my window and look down into the courtyard.
People are beginning to gather.
The parties.
Time to fake it until I make it.
There’s a knock at the door. River’s voice follows it.
“Brett. You ready?”
I open the door. He looks sharp—black shirt, denim shorts, leather sandals.
“Am I talking to you?” I ask him.
He nods. “I get it. But I love you, man, and I’ll explain everything. But tonight is for Alex.”
I don’t respond.
He eyes me. “You good?”
“No.”
“Well,” he says, “it’s whiskey and bad decisions time. Let’s go toast Al and his lady.”
“And you found yours?” I ask. “You and Emily?”
“We’re all good,” he says.
And I want to punch him again.
But I don’t.
Riv deserves happiness. He’s a good man. I believe that in my heart. He had a good reason for keeping Jake from me. From all of us.
And after the party tonight?
He’s going to spill every bit of it. He and Jake. I want the damned truth.
“Let’s go,” I say.
We step into the corridor.
“We’ve got a minute, Brett,” he says. “Talk to me. Yell at me. Fucking belt me again.”
I sigh. “What good would that do?”
“Then talk.”
“About what? The woman I love walking away from me? The ghost of my past kissing me on the beach? Or the fact that I might still love both of them, and I have no idea what the hell to do about it?”
“Damn,” is all he says.
“No shit.”
He stops walking and turns to face me. “You ever thought maybe you don’t have to choose?”
“Say what?”
“Look, I’m not saying it’s simple. But maybe it’s not about picking the right person. Maybe it’s about figuring out who you are now that everything’s out in the open.”
I let that sink in.
Who am I now?
Someone fractured. Someone cracked open. But maybe that’s not all bad.
We walk again, this time brushing past staffers until we reach the back deck. Laughter, glass clinking, the low beat of music that promises too much.
“Let’s get drunk,” I say.
River grins. “Now you’re talking.”
And for the first time all day, I let myself move forward without looking back.