Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Kendall
Iclose the door, and my feet drag across the floor until I reach my couch. Throwing myself on it, I curl up in a ball, and my body won’t stop shaking. The tears won’t stop.
Did I just push away the man I love with everything I am?
The uncontrollable sobs break through my thoughts. I push myself up to a sitting position, ready to chase him down in my driveway and say, 'I love you, and I don’t want anyone else in my life.' But my body won’t move, and I lie back down.
I hear voices coming from the kitchen. My eyes shoot open, and I see the sun setting behind the trees. Sleep was definitely needed after the cryfest I indulged in. My friends are back, as promised, with dinner and hopefully some good advice.
Seeing the hurt in Dane’s eyes, my whole body crumpled into a pile of dust. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. Even though that wasn’t my intention, it happened. I left him outside in the wake of my words. I saw it written all over his face—hurt.
With this time spent with myself and my friends, I hope to gain clarity. Making a decision that’s right for me and letting the chips fall where they may. The prickling in my eyes intensifies. How much can one person cry? My heart feels shattered.
They all come strolling into the living room.
“On the couch?” Addison lifts my feet and sits down.
“Yeah.”
“How did it go with Dane?”
And the tears that I was holding back fall as I tell them what he said.
“Kendall…he sounds like this hurts him at his core,” says Faith.
“I was falling apart when talking to him. When I said I’d be second to his firm…
” I try to take a deep breath but fail. “It felt like a lie coming out of my mouth, but I said it anyway. The swirling thoughts just won’t stop.
I was so happy, and having his father walk through my door flipped everything.
My life tipped upside down with the threats, the payoff. ”
“Listen, at the end of the day, you need to figure out what you want for yourself.”
“I knew what I wanted just hours ago, and now I’m questioning all my decisions when it comes to Dane. The minute I was comfortable having him in my life, after all the doubt that he would commit to me after having the one-night stand.”
“He’s head over heels for you,” Lane says.
I flop back onto the couch. “I know, and that’s probably why it hurts so bad.
He said that we’re meant to be together.
And the way I feel about him—it’s true. When he said he wouldn’t be able to breathe without me…
it sucked the air right out of my lungs.
” My chest squeezes, and taking a deep breath isn’t in the cards, not now.
Addison stalks over and yanks me from the couch. “There’s a lot to consider. Why don’t we do that outside in the fresh air, eating dinner?”
I haven’t eaten all day. I resign. “Okay.”
Trudging along to the backyard, the moment I step out, I see it: a watered-down iced coffee replaces the papers and checks. Dane must have taken them and left the coffee.
After staring at the coffee, I murmur, “He won’t give up on me.”
Lane comes to sit next to me. “I could have told you that. He’s in too deep. The man has brought you coffee almost every day since you met, and he’s spared no expense to bring you on the best dates ever.”
“His father threatened me and sowed doubt that wasn’t ever there. I’m sorting through my feelings. Maybe I was caught up in Dane’s grand gestures to convince me to take a chance on him and take me out on a date.”
“Deep in your heart, do you believe that?”
I sit back and pull my knees up for comfort. Watching the dusk take over the sky, I wonder what tomorrow will bring. All consumed by the decisions I need to make.
“No, I don’t believe that, which is part of the problem.
Dane is my person. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him if I let him go.
But even if we move forward, like we were before his father interrupted our lives, I feel like his father will always see me as the problem he couldn’t buy off.
What if he continues to sabotage our relationship?
Those weren’t empty threats. He could very well do all those things to wear me down. ”
Faith comes closer. “Listen to your gut. You’ve been so good at listening to it lately. As for his father, that’s a question for Dane. Let him deal with it. All you can do is control your reaction.”
“And I’m doing a piss-poor job of controlling my reactions today.”
“You’re processing. It’s okay to feel out of sorts and to not know which side is up until you decide what you are going to do next.”
Addison comes skipping out the door. “We all need to eat. Chicken teriyaki coming right up. And dare I say, a round of tequila shots?”
Faith and Lane say, “Yes.”
Shrugging my shoulders, I have no idea. So much for even making a simple decision tonight.
A round of tequila is poured, and Addison makes a toast. “To making decisions.”
I let out a half-laugh and down the shot. Addison hands me my container of chicken and a fork. “Eat up, you need your energy.”
“Energy to make it up my stairs and pass out from being emotionally drained.”
“At least you won’t be sleeping on the couch.” Lane giggles.
My stomach is full. I ate almost the whole thing, but I hadn’t eaten all day, so it makes sense.
Addison jumps up and says, “Let’s hit the pool.”
I groan. “My bed sounds much more comfortable.”
“Stop groaning. It will take your mind off things, just for a little while. We can fantasize about our Aruba trip,” Faith chides.
My body perks up a bit. “Okay, that sounds like a good idea. I’m excited for Aruba.”
We clean up after dinner and change into our bathing suits. Addison already has hers on. Stepping down into the pool feels like I’m washing the day away. I drop my body under the water and pop back up. “This is hitting the spot—refreshing.”
Addison rattles off some excursions that we can do while on the island, and my mind drifts to sitting on the white sandy beach sipping frozen margaritas.
All of my neck muscles relax, my worry dropping into the water, as I come to terms with what I need to do next.
And it helps that we’re talking about our upcoming girls’ trip.
It’s still months away, but it’s fun to explore what we will be doing while there.
Out of nowhere, Lane splashes me. Shocked by her actions, she knew it was the right thing to do, because I splash her back.
We end up splashing each other and laughing our asses off.
It’s sure nice to genuinely laugh after all that’s happened today.
Once the splashing stopped, we all grabbed a float and hopped on.
Linking our feet, we talk a little more about our trip and gaze at the stars.
My thoughts drift to Dane. The connection we have in such a short period of time.
And Jane’s voice plays in my mind. When you least expect it.
If that isn’t on point, having Dane walk into my life was the last thing I expected.
And it was the best thing that could have happened.
A smile takes over my face just as I see a shooting star fly across the sky. We all gasp.
“What are the odds we'll see a shooting star?”
“I think it’s a sign,” Addison says.
I hum in the air. Maybe she’s right. We stay in the pool for almost an hour; it’s relaxing and just what I need. Stepping out of the pool, we dry off and walk to the back door. I don’t know where I’d be without my best friends.
They made sure I was good before they left me alone. “I’ll be fine. A good night’s sleep will help give me some perspective and deal with this in the morning.” Convincing myself that a good night's sleep is all it would take to solve this.
As we make our rounds of hugs, my phone buzzes from the kitchen island. My heart stops, and I feel sweat forming on my forehead. I carefully pick up my phone, as if it were a bomb that would go off at any second. The knot in my stomach tightens when I see Dane’s name on my screen.