4. Nyah
NYAH
Dear Diary,
Next time I make a plan, someone stop me.
Iwas more tired than I’d ever been in my life by the time we finally boarded the plane. But unlike the trip to Scotland, the trip home was not on a private jet with enough space to fuck in. It was on a commercial flight, full of annoyed travelers and cranky kids.
Before we’d even taken off, Luca had asked the air hostess if there were any other seats available, and she’d given him a sympathetic smile and told him no. The flight was sold out.
He gave her a tight nod and pulled on a pair of cheap airline headphones, then closed his eyes.
I sat back between Lynx and Dax and tried to hide my sigh. “He hates us,” I said quietly to Lynx.
“Probably. It’s not exactly unwarranted either, is it?” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “What the fuck were we thinking?”
I wasn’t sure we’d truly been thinking at all. We’d just been reacting. The entire thing had played out exactly as Lynx and I had planned. Carlos Guerra thought this baby was his blood. Which I’d thought was the only way to guarantee its safety.
Only we’d hurt Luca in the process.
That wasn’t supposed to have been a problem. He was Carlos Guerra’s son. The spoiled, rich Mafia prince who was cold as ice and who ran drugs, trafficked women, and murdered his father’s enemies.
He wasn’t supposed to have feelings.
He wasn’t supposed to have touched me with fingers that made my body come alive. He wasn’t supposed to have kissed me in a way that curled my toes and made my blood pulse.
I wasn’t supposed to like him.
Care about him.
Yet at some point, I’d started to like and care about him way more than I should.
And now I’d blown the whole thing up and put him at war with his family. I’d put his sister in danger.
I’d put all of us in danger.
Dax’s fingers threaded through mine. “Hey. You okay?”
There was bruising on his face. One of his eyes was so swollen the air hostess had taken one look at him and asked if he required medical assistance before the plane took off. He assured her he was a fighter and he was fine, but we were drawing more than a couple of curious glances.
That felt like my fault too.
Guilt crushed in on me, and I couldn’t bear the soft gentleness he touched me with. I pulled my hand away from his. “I’m fine.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not. Is it the baby?”
He reached for me again, but I flinched, and he stopped his hand in midair. “Nyah?” His expression was so full of confusion. There was hurt there too. But mostly concern. “Talk to me.”
I battled back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I’m sorry.”
“If you don’t want me touching you, just tell me. I know we aren’t where we once were.”
I shook my head and grabbed his hand, dragging it to my belly. “I do. I so badly do. It’s just…”
I glanced over at Luca, still pretending to be asleep.
But I was sure he wasn’t. And I was sure he could hear everything through the flimsy airline headphones.
I didn’t know how to put into words what he and I were to each other.
The way he’d touched me on the plane, the way he’d kissed me, was impossible to forget. And yet I knew with all my heart I still loved Dax. And that I was carrying his baby.
Dax’s whole expression lit up in wonder as his palm pressed against the slight swell of my stomach. He inched his fingers beneath my shirt and stroked my skin, his head bowed.
When he eventually lifted his head and met my gaze, his eyes were so full of love it broke my heart. “Why didn’t you tell me you were still pregnant?”
All I could do was be honest. “I didn’t know at first. I really did think I’d lost it. I didn’t find out otherwise until my father had already dragged me home and promised me to Carlos.”
Dax’s eyes darkened. “He had no right.”
His argument was valid. In normal society, he would have been correct. I would have been free to choose my own husband and none of this would have ever happened.
But Dax hadn’t grown up in the same world Luca and I had. He didn’t know what it was to be trapped by family loyalty. Or to have parents who thought nothing of blackmailing you to get what they wanted. It had been like this for generations, and no amount of rebellion would change it.
Blood meant family. And family was everything.
At least, those were the lies my father told. Really, all he cared about was what he wanted. He didn’t care who he destroyed in the process.
But maybe now I had a chance to break the cycle. I’d thought the only way to keep this baby was to turn them into a Guerra heir, but maybe now, with Luca standing up against his father, there could be another way. For all of us.
With Dax’s hand covering the baby growing inside me, I glanced over at Luca and prayed he’d look at me. Silently begged for him to open his eyes and really see me for who I was.
But he didn’t.
I fell asleep with my head on Dax’s shoulder. Safe and warm and content with his arm around me.
But it was Luca I dreamed of.
We touched down on US soil, and Luca stood impatiently behind the rest of the passengers in the aisle of the plane, waiting for his turn to get off. His entire body was stiff, his breathing too fast, and he clutched his bag so tightly his knuckles turned white.
I slipped around Lynx so I could stand behind Luca. “Hey,” I said to him quietly.
He didn’t answer. Just stared straight ahead.
I sighed. “Okay, so you don’t have to talk to me. Hell, I wouldn’t either. I can’t blame you for that. But I do know your sister is going to be okay. I know Reaper and War and the guys at the club are great. They’ll take care of her.”
He stared back at me, his eyes cold. “She’s a terrified sixteen-year-old girl who doesn’t know them.
The woman who has been taking care of her for the past year has had to leave town for fear my father will torch her house with her inside.
And Isabella’s only living family are at war with each other.
How okay would you be if you were in her shoes? ”
He was right. None of it was okay. But neither was he. And unlike Isabella, he had nobody to take care of him.
No one except me.
So he could be mad. He could yell at me and tell me to leave him alone or put the blame for the entire situation on my shoulders. I’d carry it. I deserved that. But I couldn’t stand seeing him hurting and do nothing.
I took a chance and wrapped my arms around him from behind.
And for a moment, I thought I felt his body sag against me in relief.
But it was gone all too quick. And one word came out in a choked breath. “Don’t.” He sucked in a sharp lungful of air. “Just…don’t.”
I let him go, even though it broke me to do so when all I wanted to do was hold him and fix this whole fucking mess.
But there was no fixing it. He knew it. And now that we were back on US turf and having to face it all, so did I.
He walked off the plane, and there was nothing I could do but silently follow.
Familiar faces waited for us in the arrivals area. War, Hawk, and Reaper stood like giant, intimidating walls of muscle and leather, their expressions grim.
Luca’s steps faltered, but he quickly regained his composure, stopping in front of War. “My sister?”
War didn’t seem insulted by the lack of formal greeting. He just nodded. “We have her. She’s back at my clubhouse.”
Hawk, War’s second-in-command, crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Luca, clearly no love lost between them.
“You’re fucking lucky she reminded me of my sister-in-law.
All big, broken eyes, both girls fucked over by men decades too old to be looking at them.
They’re close in age. Made fast friends after Isabella got in last night.
They were watching Stranger Things in my living room when I left. ”
Relief flooded me at the mental image of Luca’s sister safe, warm, and surrounded by good people.
Luca’s shoulders relaxed just a fraction. He nodded at the bikers and formed words I doubted he’d ever said to them. “Thank you.”
Hawk huffed; his usual grumpy expression fixed in place. “Yeah, well, it’s not her fault she was unlucky enough to be related to you.”
Anger on Luca’s behalf rose inside me swiftly. I wanted to defend him to Hawk. This man knew nothing about how much Luca loved his sister. But I bit it all down because I knew Luca wouldn’t appreciate me trying to stand up for him.
Reaper reached my side and pulled me into a quick, one-armed hug. “Fucking hell. Violet is going to be so mad at you.” He smiled at me in the affectionate way a big brother might, though none of mine ever had. “It’s good to see your face.”
I urged him down into a proper hug and whispered in his ear, “Something happened with Lynx while we were away.”
He drew back quickly, staring at me, and then over at the man he’d shared a cell with for six years. His mouth pressed into a line, but all he did was nod, like he already knew exactly what had gone down, even though I knew Lynx hadn’t called him.
The fact he hadn’t was exactly why I was telling Reaper now.
He was his best friend.
And I was pretty sure Lynx needed help.
We hadn’t spoken a word about the way he’d carved a mark into the back of the man he’d killed. Or about how he’d held me afterward, like he hadn’t even noticed the blood and that I was the only thing keeping him from trying to murder every man in the room.
I didn’t want to be scared of him.
And yet, I was.
I’d seen death. I’d had a hand in one myself. I hadn’t expected Lynx to be some sort of squeaky-clean, upstanding citizen who had never gotten his hands dirty. Men like that weren’t part of biker clubs, weren’t ex-prisoners, weren’t working for Mafia dons.
But I’d never seen someone lose control like Lynx had. And I’d never been so close to someone accused of being a serial killer with a lynx-shaped calling card he carved into his victim’s skin.
That was a whole new level of fucked up.
Reaper gave me a look that was clearly meant to say: Everything is going to be okay.
But I really had no idea how it could be.