Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Two Months Later
Saskia was standing on the balcony outside her bedroom, facing away from him as the sun set.
He didn’t know if she was looking at the town or the rainforest beyond as the dying light bathed everything in its glow.
When she shifted, he could see her belly.
She was five months pregnant, and it was noticeable.
She was a small woman and her middle stuck out in a way that made her pregnancy obvious.
Her hand came up to rest on her stomach, gently caressing it. Instead of filling him with love, as it should, it filled him with dread.
“I hate the way you look at me,” she said, sensing his presence without turning. “Like I’m a ticking time-bomb about to go off and blow everything up.”
He didn’t defend himself. She knew anyway. And that thought sliced through him like a blade. She knew him. She was perhaps the only person on the planet who truly knew him. “I’m sorry.” He moved to stand next to her.
“Don’t be sorry,” she said, her tone biting. “Be better.”
“I can’t,” he rasped.
When she looked at him, her eyes glittered with unshed tears, but rather than making them look vulnerable, they looked diamond hard.
“You won’t.” She turned away again, her arms wrapped around her body protectively.
“You refuse to take joy in this child, to share this pregnancy with me.” Her voice cracked and she paused before adding, “Instead you mire yourself in fear.”
She was right.
Radik was terrified. Not of a mere child, but of everything surrounding the child.
It could kill the one person he loved most in a heartbeat.
He’d seen it before. Women dying from complications.
He knew if this baby killed Saskia, he couldn’t love it.
He would want it dead. It wasn’t even born yet and he was already contemplating his hatred of it.
What kind of a father did that make him?
Even if everything with the pregnancy and birth went smooth, he was a warlord. A mercenary. A murderer. He had no business raising children. What kind of legacy would he leave them? Money, yes, but also violence and death.
He didn’t have his PTSD under control yet. What if he had an episode and hurt their child? She would never forgive him.
None of this needed to be said. She knew because she knew him.
“I’m sorry,” he said again because it was the only thing he could say.
“You’re a coward,” she snapped, a sob escaping her throat.
He reached for her, resting his hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She shrugged his hand away and moved a few inches further along the patio.
It had been months since they shared any kind of intimacy. Not since they found out about the baby.
“I want to go home.” There was a mournful quaver to her tone. One he couldn’t ignore.
Though he was ripping his own heart out by uttering them, he still said the words. “You can go.”
She whirled to stare at him incredulously. “What?” Her eyes were wide, distrustful. “Seriously?”
She was so beautiful bathed in the red and orange hues of the sunset, her bottomless brown eyes, her curly hair a dark halo around her head, her softly rounded body… a pang of regret hit him. Why couldn’t he be the man she needed?
“It’s time,” he finally responded.
She arched an eyebrow. “It’s time? You’ve been ignoring me for weeks and weeks, forcing me to stay here when you all but blew up our fledgling relationship.
You’ve kept me here for no reason. Why have you suddenly changed your mind?
” When he didn’t speak, she balled up her fist and smacked him in the shoulder, not hard, but out of frustration.
“Say something! You’ve destroyed my life, refused to let me go and now it’s time? Explain!”
Her voice was rising, but he heard panic and hurt, no real anger.
“It wasn’t for no reason.” He hated the pain written all over her face, hated himself for causing it. “I love you, Saskia. That hasn’t changed. I kept you because I love you.”
“Just not enough to love our baby too,” she shot back, swiping at the tears that were falling. “If you love me so much, then why send me home now?”
He realized that despite her request to leave, despite her anger, she didn’t really want to go. She wanted him to change her mind. But he couldn’t because she was right. She needed to get away from him and go to her family where she would be protected.
“It’s time,” he repeated, and this time she slapped him.
The brief physical pain wasn’t even close to what he deserved.
“I think… I think I hate you,” she sobbed, backing away from him.
“I may have ruined your life for a time, but it will get better. You’ll be happy again. Whole and healthy with a career and a life ahead of you.” A life without him.
“You don’t get to say that!” she cried. “You’re taking yourself out of my life because you’re too much of a coward to deal with your shit.
You don’t get to decide what my future looks like anymore.
If I’m… I mean if the baby and I are happy.
” She touched her stomach. “It’ll be because of me, not because you left me. ” She shoved past him toward the door.
“Saskia.” She stopped but didn’t turn to look at him. “The jet will take you to Prague tomorrow afternoon. I’ll let your cousin know to expect you. Take anything you want. Shola will go with you. Take Nonna and Nikka too, I’m sure they’d enjoy a vacation.”
Saskia nodded her agreement, but added in a dull voice, “You’re emptying the house of anyone who cares about you.”
“I’ll be fine.” He wouldn’t be fine, but he needed her to leave without looking back and if she thought he needed her, she might not go.
She nodded again and slipped through the door, closing it behind her.
He turned to find the sun had completely set. Clouds blanketed the sky and darkness fell over Marifiya.
He’d spent the past several years molding himself into a man Saskia could love. Without her, was he still the same man or was he the violent, ruthless warlord who’d painted a continent in blood?
It didn't matter because it was too late. He'd made her hate him. Forced her to leave. That night he slept fitfully, his dreams combining the violence of the past with the love he felt for Saskia.
The next afternoon, he insisted on driving her out to the airfield. Nonna, Nikka and Shola were in the vehicle behind them, and, as always, security vehicles surrounded the group.
Saskia sat with her arms crossed, staring out the window.
“You’ll remember to take your vitamins?” It was about the stupidest thing he could say, but he was having trouble thinking past the panic bubbling up inside him.
He was about to lose the one person he couldn’t lose.
How was he supposed to survive? It was like losing oxygen, he couldn’t live without her. Didn’t want to.
“Fuck vitamins,” she said in an acid tone.
“Hate me if you must,” he said in a hard voice. “But you will take care of yourself while in Prague.”
She glared at him, her brows low and angry. “Why do you care? You’ll have nothing to do with me once I’m gone.”
That wasn’t true. Of course he’d monitor her and do his best to keep her safe from a distance. It was why he was sending Shola. She would be his eyes and ears.
As if reading his mind, Saskia said, “Don’t count on accurate reports from my bodyguard. She’s just as pissed at you as I am.”
Shola was angry with him, but it wouldn’t affect her professionalism. He was paying her and she would report to him. Besides, as mad as she was, she knew he had Saskia’s best interests at heart.
“Please try to understand,” he started, but she held up a hand, cutting him off.
“I understand perfectly, Muhammed, and that’s the problem.
” She turned in her seat to face him. “You’re freaked out because you don’t have your PTSD under control and you think you could do something to me while I’m pregnant.
You’re afraid this baby could do something to me too.
You’re also afraid of what you could do to the baby after it’s born. ”
They hadn’t spoken about his feelings since finding out about her pregnancy, yet she did understand. She understood without a word ever passing between them because she understood him.
He hit the brakes, stopping the car abruptly.
She reached for the dash and stared at him in surprise. “What’s wrong?”
What was wrong was he was torn. He hadn’t questioned this decision once since making it, but now he wasn’t so sure. Was he really willing to push away the one person who could help him? Who could make him feel joy, an emotion he never expected to experience?
“Are we… going?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes wide. She knew what was going on in his head, he could tell. She was waiting to find out if he changed his mind. It was almost too much, that spark of hope in her eyes.
But he didn’t turn around. Instead, he turned the vehicle toward the airfield. He did it because he wasn’t sending her away for him, he was doing it for her. Yes, she could save him, but who would save her?
Him. He would save her by sending her away.
“You’re a coward.” It was the third time she’d said it to him and it stung as much as the first two times. “We could have been great, Muhammed.”
When he stopped the car, she shoved her door open and got out without a word. She stalked away and climbed the stairs into the airplane without a backward glance.
“Radik,” Nonna said, coming to stand next to him. “You take care of yourself until I come back.” She hesitated, then hugged him. Maybe she sensed he needed it. “I left some goat stew in the fridge for you and several frozen meals in the freezer.”
He accepted a hug from Nikka too before she excitedly ran up the stairs and onto the plane.
“General,” Shola said, stopping in front of him.
Despite her anger, she was looking at him with something approaching pity.
“Don’t let anything happen to her,” he said, his voice hard.
She pursed her lips, then followed the others.
Fifteen minutes later, the plane was in the sky, taking his heart away with it.