18. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Ash
A sh doesn’t know how to feel. Doesn't know what to think. Raif telling her she’s important to him, it feels like a lot.
She looks out at the lake, the wind is blowing small ripples across the lake’s surface.
There’s the faraway sound of people laughing, guests in a different part of the lake.
She can’t see them, but she knows they’re there.
Just like she knows something is developing with her and Raif.
She tries to think about how it was with James.
How they went from being friends to something more.
There was no special trigger, no big event that tipped her feelings over from friendship to something more.
Here with Raif, it feels like it might just maybe be more.
Like the possibility is there, if she lets it. If she doesn’t shut it down.
It’s been five years since James died. It feels like yesterday, but it doesn't. She remembers the devastation she felt when he passed. That no one understood, could possibly understand. And when the world moved on, she didn’t.
She stayed in that space of grief for a long time.
Till she went back to doing chores, helping out around the farm, and training the new farmhand.
Till it didn’t seem as hard, till she wasn’t as broken.
Now she stands with Raif on the side of a lake, his family's lake, where he’s brought only her.
It could be a line. Could be something he tells all the women he brings here.
But she doesn’t think so. He has always been honest with her, straightforward and true.
It doesn’t seem likely that he would lie now about this.
“Raif. I...you’re my friend.”
She waits for him to say something. Tell her it’s okay, that he understands. But he quirks his eyebrow at her like he’s waiting for her to finish.
“I don’t know how to do this. I’ve only ever dated two people. I don’t...do casual.”
“I don’t do casual either.” He steps forward, palm outstretched towards her.
Giving her the control of whether or not to step away or move forward.
She chooses the latter. Takes his hand and pulls herself to him.
She looks at his feet just inches in front of her.
Her heart is pounding so loud in her ears that she’s surprised she can hear anything else.
Raif doesn’t push, doesn’t pull her face up to his to kiss her.
Just holds her hand as she looks at the ground.
After a minute of standing so close she can feel the body heat off him, she makes a decision.
Looking up at him and meeting his eyes. He looks at her intensely.
Eyes flitting between hers, like he can see right inside her.
See her desires and wants. She brings her arms up, wraps them around his neck, and rests her head on his chest. His arms coming up around hers are tentative.
His one hand brushes the middle of her back, soft and sweet.
The other comes up to the base of her neck, just resting gently.
It’s nice. It’s been a long time since she was held. She closes her eyes and listens to the sound of his heart beating underneath his shirt, strong and steady. Just like him.
Ash doesn’t know how to feel. Raif is nice.
He’s sweet, kind, and good to her. He’s not all happy smiles and outgoing like James.
Or funny and joking around like Michelle was.
He’s just...Raif. He’s dependable and would do practically anything for her, she thinks.
He clearly cares about her and deems her important in his life.
She feels safe with him, cared for, loved even, if she can dare to think that word to herself.
She likes him. Likes him as more than a friend. She wants more.
The realization hits her so hard she stumbles back from their hug. His eyebrows go up, and his mouth opens, but before he can say anything, she’s turning and moving back to the horses. Untying Roscoe and moving to mount him.
“Hey, hold up there, Ash.”
He so rarely says her name. It’s always ‘ma’am’. Ma’am, everything, he’s so fucking polite and nice to her, she can’t stand it. Hearing him say her name, the possibility that he could say it differently makes her insides twist up, and not in a good way.
“I need to go. I’ve got stuff to do at home.”
Her lie is obvious, she’s running away. Away from him, away from her feelings. He looks sad, but she pulls her eyes away from him, it’s too much right now.
The next day at the station is rough. She snaps at Ben, and when Sam comes in to bring them all lunch, she goes up to the bedroom to pout. She doesn’t know why she’s like this. Being grumpy and avoiding her co-workers, her friends. The Chief finds her lying in bed with her arm across her face.
“Anything I need to be concerned about?” His voice is gruff, firm. She knows he means business. Sitting up and slinging her feet onto the floor, she stares at the ground.
She hears the Chief huff.
“We need you in tip-top shape, Grant. Can’t have you losing your head out there on a call.”
“Yes, sir. I know, sir.”
He sits down on the bed across from hers.
“Look, Ash. You’re a good person, got your head on straight. One of the best firefighters I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. I know you’ve been doing this for a few years, but you’re still a rookie here at the station. You don’t have enough leeway to fuck off.”
“M’ not fucking off.”
“You’re not yet. But if you keep up this mood, you’ll bring the whole station down with you. I don’t want that. And I don’t want you missing work because you can’t keep it together while you’re here.”
“I’m not going to miss work. Fuck, can’t I just have a bad day?”
“Is it just one bad day? Or does something else have you twisted up in knots? Maybe a particular volunteer firefighter?”
She looks up at him, and he’s got a small fond smile on his face. She shakes her head and huffs out a laugh.
“Sometimes we find love in the most unexpected of places. Sometimes love springs up on us when we’re least expecting it. It’s not bad to love him, you know?”
“I know,” her response is quiet, but she knows the Chief can hear her.
It’s what that feeling is deep in the pit of her stomach. It’s adoration, care, warmth, the beginnings of love.