Stasi
Chapter 26
Stasi
77 Days Dead
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fuck that, I have enough bitterness inside me to blame both of us.
Yes, I should have known better that, even after all this time, it wouldn’t be so easy for her to accept that she wants this. Becca isn’t one to jump feet first into the unknown. All of her risks are measured, and her decisions careful. It’s easy to forget the hesitance with which she’s always done everything, even choices that should be simple or automatic. Becca’s mind is always seeking that comforting caress of approval. And without it, change will be hard for her to accept.
But I’m also to blame. If her problem is the inability to throw caution to the wind, then I lack the self-control to stop myself from jumping off the cliff with my knees tucked against my chest and a victorious scream drifting behind me. I go after what I want. Once you realize nobody will give you anything unless it serves them, there’s really no other choice.
Still, I should have resisted more. We needed more time. I should have told her no. My own desires clouded my mind like a few puffs of a good joint. But god, with all that beautiful begging. The sight of her on her knees . Stronger women would have caved.
Like any bad habit, the craving for her rages on spitefully despite my painfully diligent abstinence. But I refuse to cave in. I can find more interesting things to do than pine after Becca. I need to find something else to do with my life. In my desperation, I turn to the next best thing to stave off the withdrawal a bit longer.
Her old fuzzy diary is heavy in my hand as I crack it open. My hope is that what I find inside will be a reminder of how easily she moved on without me like it never even happened. Like we hadn’t been inseparable. I want to see the parts of her that she tries so hard to hide.
I flip through the pages until I find an entry that catches my eye:
August 15 th , 2005
Today’s the first day of ninth grade. Exciting, right? WRONG! I’m so nervous. Okay, terrified. What if everything’s changed with the new school? It’ll mostly be all the same people, but it’s not like we’re actually friends. I don’t want to start all over. What if I have to sit by myself? That would be total social suicide. Chleo better let me sit with her. She has to…right? We had a deal. I hate having to follow Chleo around like one of her little minions but it’s better than being a loner. Aiden might be okay with it, but I’m not about to get tossed into a dumpster or hide out in a classroom during lunch. SO EMBARRASSING.
The last year has sucked, I can’t let it get any worse. I wouldn’t even be in this situation if it weren’t for HER. I don’t understand why she didn’t just tell everyone that they were wrong. It was just a rumor that got out of hand. We were JUST FRIENDS. Why did she have to let everything get messed up? I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about Ana again, but since I’m technically writing this, that’s not cheating right? It’s just not fair that I’m here without a best friend. I miss the way things used to be before Chleo ruined it with her big mouth. But nobody cares if rumors are true or not if they have something to talk about.
Fingers crossed that’s all behind me now. We’re in high school now. We’re too mature for that. I hope so at least. Wish me luck.