48. Wrinley
Wrinley
“ I can’t do this,” I whisper, my body slumped and head bowed in shame at the fear that’s taken hold, yet again. I felt so confident that I was ready when I asked Axel to bring me here, but now there’s a growing uneasiness festering just below the surface. It’s paralyzing.
“What are you afraid of, baby?” Axel asks while placing his hand on my bare thigh.
I’m not usually a fan of dresses as daywear, but she always loved when I wore them. It’s teal. Her favorite color.
“I-I don’t really know.” It’s the truth.
I’ve never been able to put a finger on the exact reason why I couldn’t come here.
“I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say that being here makes it real.
Like I’m admitting she’s never coming back.
” The words are barely out of my mouth before my eyes are welling up with the tears I’ve tried so desperately to hold back.
“This is very real. She isn’t coming back. But, look at you. You’ve come so far, but you’re always going to be held down if you let this control you.” His blunt words are a balm that soothes me in the exact way I need.
“I let you control me,” I smirk in a lame attempt to deflect my pain.
“The fact that you still think you let me control you, is cute. You know you don’t have a fucking choice and you like it that way.
” The asshole is right, I do like it. “But this is different and you know it. You won’t be able to move on to the next chapter of your life until you’re free of the last one. ”
The next chapter.
My hands move to cradle my stomach where my babies are currently growing.
“I wish they could have their grandma,” I mumble as a lone tear falls and lands on my dress.
“I know. I wish that too.” He opens his door and steps out, walking around the hood and opening my door.
With a furrowed brow, he reaches out his hand and I take it, letting him pull me down.
“Letting go isn’t the same as forgetting.
You’ll never forget her. And they’ll know her through you.
You can tell them all about her. Now stop stalling and go. ”
“God, you’re so bossy.”
He chuckles but doesn’t say anything else. Instead, he uses both of his hands to gently shove me forward.
“I hate you,” I mumble just loud enough so he can hear me.
“Yeah… I hate you too, baby,” he chuckles quietly.
I step onto the soft grass at the edge of the cemetery lot and shuffle slowly over to the cherry blossom, in full bloom, that shades her dusty headstone.
Glancing back at Axel, he tosses me a tight nod. He promised he wouldn’t encroach on my space while I trauma dumped all over my mother’s grave, but there’s a part of me that wishes he was closer right about now.
He’s right, though.
I do need to do this.
For us. For our babies. For me.
I sit cross-legged on the grass and pull out the picture stored in my pocket, leaning it against the tall stone. A lump forms in my throat as I attempt to fight back the tears.
“Hey, Momma,” I let out a sigh followed by raspberries as yet another–soon to be failed–attempt to hide the sadness that’s threatening to break free. “I uhhhh… don’t know where to start.
“I-I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come see you.
I think… I was a little mad at you for leaving me, even though I know you didn’t want to go.
I’m sorry for so many things I know were out of my hands, but I can’t help it.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I survived and you didn’t.
I’m sorry if I wasn’t a better daughter.
I would have held you a little tighter had I known the last time I did was going to be the last.”
My chest heaves as the lump in my throat forces its way out of my mouth in a sob that sounds vaguely like I’m dying a slow death.
And honestly, it kind of feels like I might be.
Hunched over, I cry. But this time, I don’t stop the tears from flowing.
They flow like a river down my cheeks while my face scrunches into what feels like a disfigured blob.
My eyes burn more as each drop escapes. I don’t want to do this.
Before I can move to stand–and run–a hand lands on the back of my head and I don’t need to look to know it’s Axel. He gently strokes my hair in silent encouragement to continue.
I take a deep, cleansing breath and wipe my face.
“I miss you, Momma,” I start again, with a new sense of determination to do this.
“I lost you ten years ago today and I remember it like it was yesterday. When I close my eyes, I see your face from that day, when I held your lifeless body in my arms. Some people say it gets easier with time, but it doesn’t.
I miss you more and more every day and I’m not sure that will ever change.
Every moment in my life has been defined by two categories… before and after.”
Tightness grips my chest as I reach out and place a hand on her headstone.
“I need to tell you something.” I glance up at Axel, still hovering over, ever the protector.
“You’ve got this, baby,” he reassures me.
My eyes flood with tears again as I look back at mom through blurry eyes.
“You’re gonna be a grandma. Twins. I don’t know how I managed that, but here we are.
I still haven’t told Dad that I’m having twins, because I wanted to tell you first. He’ll spoil them enough for the both of you, though. Don’t worry.
“I promise I won’t be a stranger and maybe it’ll be easier now that I’ve done it once. Or not.” I shoot a thumb upward in Axel’s direction. “I doubt this asshole will let me not come see you, no matter how much it sucks.”
He gives my hair a quick tug.
“I said what I said,” I mumble, then lean in to whisper the next part.
“He’s kind of a dick, but I think you’d like him.
He takes good care of me, but I’ll never tell him that.
I love him, Momma. I love him so fucking much.
I wish you could be here for the wedding.
I’m going to be a whale with these kiddos in my belly, but dickhead won’t let me wait until after they're born. He was going to elope with me but the fucker changed his mind and apparently he’s the boss now…
or so he thinks. Have I mentioned he’s possessive as fuck?
“I love you, Momma.” I kiss my hand and press it to the headstone. I hold it there for what feels like a little too long and just as I lift my hand, the sky opens up and we’re soaked before I can stand.
I turn to look at Axel, realizing I feel surprisingly lighter than when we got here. “Thank you, my love. We can go now.”
He lingers back a moment as I make my way back to the truck. When he starts to speak, I pause in my tracks as I hear him tell her, “Don’t worry, I’ll watch over her for you.”