Chapter 31
Shelley
Exactly twenty minutes later when I knock on his door, Jordan wordlessly leads me to his room, where my breath catches in my throat.
It’s perfect.
He thought of everything.
I can tell Jordan put so much effort into making this night special for me.
He works so hard to give me what I need.
He must have been planning this for a while, and I almost ruined it by getting stuck in my head.
We have the place to ourselves. The sheets smell like detergent, the lighting is dim, and he has an entire playlist of the nature sounds and instrumental music I told him I prefer.
We sit together on the bed and his mouth trails kisses along my jawline, starting behind my ear and continuing until his lips find mine.
He follows my lead and doesn’t push for anything more than I want to give.
When I think I’m ready, I slowly lower both of us onto the mattress and we start to peel away our clothes.
Jordan takes his time, caressing my arms, my legs, and my back. He dips his head to lavish attention on my breasts as he skates two fingers across my stomach.
I want to be here with him in this moment, but despite everything he’s doing, my body’s still not responding. I want it to. But it just…won’t.
As much as I want him, I know if he goes any lower, he’s going to feel how dry I am, and I don’t want to insult him.
Plus, my left hip keeps making popping and cracking noises every time I shift my position.
Now I’m drowning in my thoughts again, frustrated with myself because about twenty percent of my attention is focused on my hip and the rest of me is fighting against my building anxiety.
I don’t have anything left to give to him, but I don’t want to disappoint him or make him think I don’t want this. I do.
“Shelley? What is it?” Jordan asks as though he can sense my spiraling thoughts.
He’s patient while he brushes my hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear.
With that small gesture, I suddenly notice how much my hair is sticking to my neck and driving me crazy.
I wish I could put it up in a ponytail, but I can’t do that if I’m going to be lying on my back like this because the bump from my hair tie will also be distracting.
“Nothing.” I shift, trying to get comfortable and bring myself back to the moment with him, but I can’t, which only frustrates me further. I can feel my eyes starting to burn, and I really do not want to melt down for a second time tonight in front of this man.
Jordan’s been so kind. So patient. He deserves so much better than this. Better than me.
He sits up and puts his shirt back on.
“Are you mad?” I blink quickly, the burn in my eyes intensifying.
“No. Not at all,” he reassures me, gently. “But I can see you’re still uncomfortable. Can you tell me what’s going on in there?” he asks, running his hand over my head. “Please?”
I sigh and resolve that it’s best to be honest, so I launch into my explanation, spewing out every last thought that’s been on my mind since we walked into the room. He sits still and listens.
“My joints keep popping, and I don’t know what to do with my hair because if I put it back, then it pulls at my scalp, but if I leave it down, it gets in the way.
I shaved this morning, but I can already feel stubble on my legs, which means I know you can feel it too, and that’s annoying and distracting.
You put so much effort into all of this.
” I gesture around the room. “I know I’m disappointing you, and that makes me so sick with myself, which makes it even worse.
It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re irritated.
I don’t want those to be the thoughts in my head ruining what should be so special.
You’ve done all of this for me.” My eyes scan the space.
“But those thoughts are here, and I hate it.” I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes and tug on the roots of my hair.
“I feel so stupid. You’ve seen me naked before.
I don’t know why I’m acting like this is such a big deal. ”
Jordan scoots a little closer. “Hey. First of all, I appreciate your concern about me, that’s really sweet.
But please don’t assume how I’m feeling about something.
I’m fine. And like I told you earlier, I’ll continue to be fine if nothing happens tonight.
I’d never want you to do something that made you feel this bad just to try to make me happy.
As for the rest, it is a big deal to share yourself with someone.
Every time. It doesn’t matter what’s happened in the past.”
I understand where he’s coming from, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
“I know that. I feel the same way. At least theoretically. But everything has the potential to make me feel like this. Literally everything. I can’t predict it, and it’s not fair to ask you to be with someone who won’t ever be able to fully meet your needs. I don’t think I can do this.”
Jordan deserves the world, not a loose cannon like me who blows a gasket whenever he tries to do or say something kind. Not to mention, I’m still too much of a coward to tell my family about him.
“Whoa. Hang on. What are you saying?”
“I can’t do this to you, Jordan.” I place my hand over his.
“What you did here tonight is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. No one has ever put in so much effort to make me feel seen. But I think I need to work on myself a little bit more before I’m in a place where I can commit to this level of a relationship with someone.
” It’s already breaking my heart to know I’m making him suffer.
“You’re looking for something serious. You told me that from the beginning.
But I’m only here for a few more weeks. Our time together is limited, and look how I’m wasting it.
I can’t do this to you. I won’t. Not to mention we’re still hiding from everyone.
We still have all the same problems that made you say no to me in the first place, and here I am adding new ones. We shouldn’t do this.”
He turns away, and a piece of my soul shatters when his words turn cold. “So, I get no say here at all?”
“Jordan. You know I’m right.”
He’s silent for a long time before he swallows and nods. “If that’s how you feel, you should go.”
My heart cracks wide open, raw inside my chest, and I know it’s true. I need to leave before I completely lose myself. I scramble to get dressed. After I tuck my phone into my pocket, I reach out to squeeze his hand once more, but he pulls away at the contact.
I force my legs to carry me out of his apartment. I turn toward my own door, but I can’t be here right now. I need air.
Running down the steps, I burst through the front door of the building, letting it slam shut behind me.
I make it three steps toward the parking lot before the first sob escapes my throat.
I don’t know how long I stand there, arms clutched around my stomach, giving in to the grief.
We could have built something so good together. If only I weren’t me.
How do you mourn something you never really had?
Sniffling, I reach into my pocket to see if I have a tissue, and realize not only do I not have one, but I also don’t have my keys.
My heart sinks even further. In my hurry to get to his place, I think I left them on my kitchen counter.
Jordan would probably still let me sleep in his apartment, but there’s no way I can go back up there and face him again tonight.
I can barely see through the tears as I dial my brother’s number.