Chapter 20 #2
And I hadn’t even thought of that until now because…
because I’d only ever been selfish. It was the way of this world: look out for oneself and ensure one’s own survival.
It was the mantra I lived by. I made no friends, had no lovers, because caring for others outside of Merelda was a complication I always refused.
But this complication—the fate of an entire Territory, maybe even of this world—that wasn’t a complication I could refuse.
If I did, I would be just as bad as those rebels I’d just frowned upon.
I would be…I would be killing people, just as Koerlyn did.
And no matter the changes I’d undergone in the past weeks, I still knew that I was too good to accept that from myself.
My gaze swung to Harthon.
I’d been worried about giving the wrong person access to the resources under the Domus. I’d been worried about making the wrong person into a king.
Harthon was not the wrong person. Not when he so clearly cared for all of his people.
It was the feeling within my gut, an instinctual response, and whether or not it was misguided, too many livelihoods were at stake to ignore it. Merelda, the one who preached of kindness so often it made me sick, would want me to do this. Perhaps it was time that I wanted to do this.
I drew in a shuddering breath, realizing that Callen’s question had been hanging unanswered all this time. Harthon, the man who promised to keep Merelda safe whether or not I helped him, only watched me with patience.
It was in a quiet voice that I said, “There might be hope. I just need a little time to pull the path from my mind.”
As the declaration rolled from my tongue, a feeling of lightness washed over me, as if something that had been riding me, sitting on my shoulders, had stepped away.
Harthon’s lips spread, his teeth just managing to peek through as he smiled in that stunning way of his, the gold flecks in his eyes seeming to glow.
“Any ideas on how long that might take?” North asked, reminding me that Harthon was not the only other person in this room.
“I don’t know. Just weeks, hopefully.”
Josenne had said I needed to want it. I wanted it now, but this want was new. It certainly wasn’t the all-consuming desire she’d referred to. This was uncharted territory for me.
“If Etarla doesn’t make any progress by the time of the Conquering Day celebration, we’ll begin seriously planning an offensive.
For these next few weeks, we focus on the crop plague and defending Koerlyn’s tests,” Harthon decided, and the others murmured their agreement.
Then his brows furrowed, his expression hinting toward apprehension. “How is the looter boy doing?”
I’d almost forgotten about the child.
Ana’s lips pulled into a smirk as she eyed the bearded behemoth beside her. “Well, considering he’s stuck with North as his mentor, he’s doing surprisingly well. Hasn’t run off screaming yet.”
I gaped, unable to imagine a world in which the prickly, terrifying second-in-command would mentor a young boy. Even Harthon seemed to be at a loss for words.
North didn’t take well to the reaction. “Don’t fucking look at me like that.”
Callen snorted. “Come on, North. What kind of reaction do you expect?”
“Joris is busy with his new baby, and as second-in-command of this Territory, I’ve been too occupied to find anyone else. The second I have a free minute, I’m handing the kid off.”
“You say that, but maybe you’ll enjoy exploring your nurturing side,” Callen crooned, as if his primary intention was to rile North into fury. Based on the vein that protruded in North’s forehead, Callen was accomplishing his goal.
“I’ll enjoy kicking your ass the second this meeting is done,” he snarled.
“I do love a morning training session.”
“You won’t after this, pretty boy.”
“North,” Harthon interrupted, waiting for the two men to relax back in their seats. “How is the boy, really?”
“He’s adapting quickly. Mending his leg and feeding him regular meals have gone a long way in earning his trust. I have him under guard when I’m not around, but he hasn’t tried anything. Doesn’t seem to miss his troop much.”
“Good. Is he ready to see me yet?”
North pressed his lips together, putting far more thought into the boy’s state than I expected. Then he shook his head regretfully. “Not yet. He fears you and doesn’t trust me enough yet to push him. Give it more time.”
The knob in Harthon’s throat bobbed. Clearly, guilt from having to nearly kill the boy still ate at him. Knowing how Harthon related to him, it made sense.
“Does he have a name?”
“No. He’s still deciding on one now.”
If he hadn’t even been given a name, what had this boy been given as a child? Anything at all?
“Let me know when he’s ready.” When North gave his affirmative, Harthon turned to the others. “Anything else we missed?”
“Yes. But believe it or not, it’s something good.” Ana said, flipping her long, curled locks over her shoulder. “Princeps Aric from Sixth is on his way. His letter suggests he’s interested in allyship. He’ll be here in two days.”
Harthon leaned into the backrest, crossing his arms in satisfaction. “It’s about time he came around.”
“Seems like our magvis charade is working.”
“He might have ties to One. Securing him matters, though it won’t be easy. He’s smart, and he doesn’t want to play second to anyone else.”
Ana shrugged. “Allying with you is the smart choice.”
It was easy enough to convince Ellan that I was the magvis, and even without me, Ellan valued Harthon as a partner.
But if this new Princeps was smart and already resistant to aligning with our Territory, things were going to be problematic.
“What happens when he finds out I’m not actually the magvis? ”
North sat up taller, aggression stiffening his posture. “You planning to tell him the truth?”
I considered saying yes to his ridiculous accusation, just to see his face swell with anger. And then I looked at the wide muscles in his arms and thought better of it.
Addressing the others, I explained, “If he’s as shrewd as you say he is, he’s going to eventually realize that I have none of the magvis powers. I don’t think he’ll like that very much.”
“He won’t,” Harthon agreed. “But you bringing us into Centralis will be enough of a feat to convince him that you’re the magvis for now.
The eyes are hard to deny, too. You have a good point for the long term, but if Aric is our ally, he’ll benefit from the resources we glean under the Domus.
If he ever uncovers the truth, he’ll hopefully be happy enough as our ally that he doesn’t turn against us. ”
“Hopefully?” I wasn’t sure when hope became an acceptable strategy.
“Things are too fluid to know what our future holds for certain. Sometimes, hope is the only option,” he clarified.
Maybe I shouldn’t be questioning him, considering he was the one who usurped a Princeps and has been a dominant leader ever since, but I was uncomfortable with the idea of hoping for positive outcomes. Even if it was the only choice.
“Make sure a wing is cleared for his arrival. There won’t be any pomp, but we need to treat him well,” he instructed Ana.
“Consider it done.” She wrinkled her delicate nose. “Now that we’re all set here, can you both please bathe? You reek.”
She didn’t have to tell me twice. I was desperate enough to be clean that I didn’t even mind the fact that it would come with seeing Felda.
Plus, after meeting Josenne, Felda was comparatively harmless.
As we all stood to file out the door, Harthon grasped my arm, holding me back. His fingers stayed there even after I stopped, their warmth branding my skin and sending my pulse into a frenzy.
He waited until the three had left us in privacy to speak. “I don’t know what it was that Josenne said to you, or what changed between then and now, and I won’t ask you. But thank you.”
I stared up at him, utterly trapped by the gratitude in his gaze and the mere presence of him.
We were alone now, and a desperate part of me thought he might lean down and kiss me again.
That part of me grew in certainty as his eyes tracked down my face, sweeping over my cheekbones and nose before tracing the curve of my lips.
I refused to inhale, not wanting to do anything that might distract him from repeating what he’d already done but didn’t want to acknowledge.
Maybe he’d ignored our kiss for the past few days because we’d been in front of his men.
Maybe the privacy of this room was like that of the night, and he would act now as he did then.
But then Harthon abruptly stepped away, taking those fingers with him, and walked out of the room.
I stared after his hasty retreat, reality slapping me hard.
He really saw that night as a mistake, then. A moment of fleeting desire born from a tense argument. He had no intention of repeating it.
And why would he? Why would he desire me when he embraced someone as beautiful as Ana when we first arrived back today? During our short trip, I’d forgotten about the familiar way he looked at her.
Disappointment welled. I’d hoped that he would kiss me again, like some foolish girl. Hope only ever let you down. Fortunately, it wasn’t my only option. The other choice, the one I would take, was to forget my attraction and focus on my task ahead.
That night had never happened.
Stefano poked his head into the doorway then. “Ready to head to your room?”
Dirt and grime still marred his ruddy cheeks. “Why aren’t you resting? Or getting yourself cleaned up?”
He looked at me as if I had two heads. “I’m your guard.”
“Can’t someone replace you for today?”
“Harthon made me your permanent guard.”
I imagined it was a sort of promotion for Stefano. He deserved it. He was sweet and kind, and had proven his abilities in spades on our journey.
“So, anyway, are you just going to keep staring at the bookshelves? I can tell Felda to hold the bath water.”
I’m not staring at bookshelves. I’m pining over a lost kiss like a stupid girl. Or, I was. Not anymore.
Those words were not leaving my mouth.
I marched over to him, pasting a smile on my face. “Lead the way.”