Chapter 44
Let Her Go
When they reached the school bus, Elyna was swarmed by students. Kazuki watched her bow and apologise on autopilot—body functional, mind stricken. Still in shock.
And he was responsible for it, because apparently, his willpower was made of rice paper.
The walk back had been torture; he couldn’t forget her smell, the silk of her hair between his fingers, the way her body had moulded against his chest. Her taste lingered on his tongue: salt from tears, the trembling softness of her mouth opening under his, the glide of her lips.
Had he been a weaker man, he would have made love to her right there, two silhouettes lost in fog. It would have been achingly beautiful, a memory to cherish. But he couldn’t. And he loathed himself for being simultaneously so fucking weak and so rigidly responsible.
She’s in pain, and that’s your fault.
The way her voice had cracked at the end as she’d pleaded… begged, even. He’d had to blink tears away to avoid words he couldn’t afford to say.
They were supposed to hit the skating ring for their last class outing; Sano was worried. How would Elyna handle the strain after what had just transpired? He couldn’t possibly cancel it; his students had anticipated the event for weeks!
Fortunately, Shintarō was of the same mind and set off to enquire if she wanted to stay at the hotel instead; he was gently rebuked. Elyna’s voice carried all the way back to him. “I’d skate with a forty-degree fever, eyes closed, and a broken arm.”
The bus started, leaving behind a place Kazuki had scoured a dozen times, but would never be the same.
The fluorescent light of the skating rink revealed what the shadow had expertly hidden; the fire that usually animated Elyna had dimmed. Completely snuffed out. But she held it together, supporting students who couldn’t fathom how much each smile cost her.
“Hey mate, you look pretty shaken.”
Kazuki startled as Shintarō materialised beside him, pressing a steaming cup of coffee into his hands. The cardboard burnt his palms; he welcomed the grounding sensation. How could he possibly confess the turmoil churning in his gut?
I’ve sipped on sunlight, tasted paradise, and turned away from it. And it hurts like hell.
The coffee was as bitter as his thoughts. Shintarō watched him with the attention of someone who knew him too well. Kazuki needed to offer something genuine, some explanation that wouldn’t expose the truth.
“It was… a wild chase, Shin,” he admitted, calling forth the memory of tearing through the forest. “Imagine if we’d actually lost her…”
A hand landed on his shoulder. “The kid’s not a scaredy cat, Kazu. She would have waited for a search party.”
His lips curled; ever since she’d disrobed in the middle of the staff room, Elyna had accepted Shintarō’s sense of humour with good grace. Two of his most cherished people got along like two peas in a pod. A delightful perspective.
Instead, it devastated him. Kazuki hummed, gaze tracking Elyna as she tightened Tanaka’s rental skate laces for better ankle stability. Shūji sent a quip that caused a ripple of laughter. Elyna’s smile was fragile, as brittle as a twig frozen over.
“Hey, she doesn’t look so good.” Shintarō stepped onto the ice, already tracking his own class. “Do you think it’s that stupid love triangle again?”
What love triangle?
“Eh?”
An exasperated snort escaped Shintarō. “Come on! I’m pretty sure Senda-kun and Onishi-kun are fighting over her.”
The words hit like a fist to the solar plexus. Kazuki’s eyebrows dipped into a frown before he could curb his reaction. Jealousy flared in his chest, a beast that clawed at his insides.
Of course, many young men would vie for her attention. Elyna was brilliant, beautiful, vibrant. Why wouldn’t they want her?
“They’re students. She’s staff. She wouldn’t cross that line.” The words came out harder than intended, almost aggressive. Sharp enough that Shintarō raised an eyebrow. “Nope, but it won’t keep any of the boys from wanting.”
His flatmate pulled away to circle the rink, wobbling slightly before his posture straightened. Left behind, Kazuki tried to wash down the jealousy with another mouthful of bitter liquid.
This is absurd. And isn’t Shūji into Satsuki?
As he laced his own skates, Elyna walked past without sparing him a glance, jaw tight. She looked like a marionette with severed strings, moving only because duty demanded it. Yet, grief did not impair her grace, nor her dancer’s gait.
After one last gulp of coffee, Kazuki crumpled the cup, praying the damage he’d dealt would heal soon. Elyna is young. She can rebound, create an amazing international life where I’m just a memory. A good one, I hope.
For the moment, though, he knew her enough to pierce the facade; she was shattered. Her warmth still clung to his skin, her scent embedded into his shirt. Those memories would fade soon. Just like her melancholy, right? Everything faded eventually.
As for his own shattered heart… he’d survived heartbreak before. He would pull through. One day, he’d look back on this childish infatuation fondly, wouldn’t he? This moment where his careful guard had cracked wide open, exposing a heart he’d buried years ago. He’d seal the breach soon enough.
Hopefully. Because right now, the pain was so acute it verged on numbness.
When Kazuki finally stepped onto the ice, all he could see was her.
Elyna glided away with grace, each stroke liquid poetry, effortless in a way that spoke of years spent on blades.
She herded students around, catching Ayumi’s flailing arms, skating backwards to guide the nervous girl.
Her white leather boots gleamed under the rink’s lights, far classier than the scuffed rentals most wore, probably providing the ankle support that allowed her to move with such fluid confidence.
“She’s good,” Shintarō skidded to his side. “Really good.”
“She used to skate in Trondheim.” The information fell from Kazuki’s lips automatically, pulled from one of their early conversations. Mesmerised, he watched her execute a perfect transition from backwards to forwards in one smooth pivot. Muscle memory carrying her through motions.
As their students found their footing, some gaining confidence, others stubbornly clinging to the barrier like drowning sailors to wreckage, Elyna continued her methodical circuit.
Shūji managed to skate alongside her for a few strides, clearly trying to engage her in conversation.
Eventually, he fell back and returned to Haruki’s side.
Those idiots. Now they’re getting along!
The upbeat pop music suddenly gave way to silence.
For a heartbeat, there was only the scrape of blades on ice and the terrified squeaks of students flailing.
Then, a few melancholic notes of acoustic guitar greeted Kazuki’s ears.
He knew that song. The display screen overhead flickered to life: Let Her Go—Passenger.
The title punched the air out of his lungs, and he almost laughed. An unwelcome message to an already bruised heart.
On the ice, Elyna froze mid-glide, one blade extended behind her.
Her head tilted slightly, listening. Resolve descended upon her features; she drifted towards the centre of the rink as students instinctively gave her space.
The song’s first verse began, a bitter wisdom about only missing light when it’s gone.
Kuso, I miss it already!
Elyna’s strokes gained power, her body swaying with the melody, pouring liquid heartbreak onto the ice as though the frozen surface could somehow absorb it.
And you let her go.
Sorrow infused her skating, spirals painting elegant lines across the rink, reaching for something already lost. Crossovers carried her in circles, trapped in the same pattern, unable to escape the loop. She gathered speed and launched into a single rotation jump.
Her blade caught at an awkward angle on landing, and she went down. Kazuki’s first reflex was to shoot forward, but the ice was slippery. He stumbled, only for Shintarō to grab his arm.
“Don’t.”
Elyna was already rising, graceful like the dying swan. She simply rolled over, brushing crystals from her skirt, and glided away. Her jaw was set, eyes forward, as if the fall had never happened.
As if she didn’t need anyone.
Elyna refused to give up, pushing through her failure to carve her trail across the ice, each stroke akin to a blade between Kazuki’s ribs.
There were no messy tears or dramatic collapse. Instead, she allowed the music to consume her, to sublimate her pain and sorrow to replace what her voice couldn’t say. The students had gone quiet.
Haruki stood frozen at the boards, knuckles white where he gripped the barrier, expression unreadable but intense. By his side, Shūji watched with uncharacteristic solemnity, hands shoved deep in his pockets. The boy he’d known turned into a young man.
The song built towards its climax. Elyna picked up speed, circling the rink in long backwards crossovers that ate up distance. Another spin blurred her before she pivoted sharply forward again.
Her eyes found his across the crowded ice, holding an accusation that nearly drove him to his knees. It said everything words couldn’t. Coward.
She held his stare through the next sequence, a series of turns and steps so ingrained from childhood that her body executed them flawlessly despite her mind being elsewhere.
Then she broke eye contact and gathered herself.
Kazuki held his breath as she jumped. It may only be one turn, but her grace made it soar.
This time, she landed cleanly. A sharp crack echoed as her blade bit ice, followed by the scraping of metal carving through frozen water. Like tears being scratched into the surface.
The song approached its end. Kazuki feared that final line with everything he was. The same way he’d once feared not being good enough.
There was no escaping it.
The last verse came in the reverent hush that had settled over the rink, all instruments fading until only the singer’s voice remained.
Elyna let herself drift into a graceful spiral, arching backwards until her spine curved like a bow. One arm reached towards the ceiling as though supplicating the heavens for answers that wouldn’t come.
And you let her go.
As the song’s last notes faded into silence, he spotted a single tear catching the light on Elyna’s cheek. She wiped it away discreetly with the back of her hand, chest heaving with exertion. For a suspended moment, she simply stood there, letting him see exactly what he’d done.
Is that what you want me to do? To let you go?
Then she straightened, rolled her shoulders back, and the professional mask slammed down like a fortress gate.
Students began moving again, murmuring to each other in hushed tones. The rink’s automated playlist shuffled to something aggressively cheerful, a jarring shift that felt almost obscene to his shattered heart.
“Dang,” Shintarō breathed beside him. “What the hell was that?”
Kazuki’s fingers dug into his palms hard enough that he’d probably find bruises tomorrow. The pain barely registered against the greater agony of his broken heart.
Out on the ice, Daichi gently approached Elyna, gesturing to the open ice. After a moment’s hesitation, she nodded. They began to skate together. A simple paired routine, with easy twirls that mimicked a waltz on ice.
It was slow and friendly, a perfect demonstration. But all Kazuki could see was Daichi’s hands on her waist, and his attempt to coax a smile from her. Even though Elyna’s expression was hollow and didn’t reach her eyes, he acutely felt that universal truth.
He’d just surrendered his place.
Jealousy sank its claws deep into his guts, vicious and completely irrational. He had rejected her. She would inevitably turn to someone else.
But watching that dreadful possibility felt like being flayed alive.
When Kazuki retreated to his hotel room, he attacked a bottle of sake like it had personally offended him. Just a few cups. Only enough to dull the pain.
When the third drink burnt down his throat, he was forced to admit defeat. Sorrow had elected to take up permanent residence in his ribcage, carving out a hollow space.
The fourth cup tasted like surrender.
Despite the alcohol, Elyna’s haunted eyes remained crystal clear in his mind. No amount of sake could blur it—not the devastation translated into movement, not that single tear catching the light, not the accusation in her gaze.
Keiko will lecture me about liver enzymes tomorrow, he thought distantly, pouring himself a glass of water. And I’ll probably insult her.
The absurd idea couldn’t silence the voice screaming in his head.
He’d let her go.
And now he had to live with it.
Aksel: You need to get your shit together sis, Mum called dad!
Elyna: I’m so out of it…
Aksel: Hey. The guy said ‘I can’t,’ not ‘I don’t want to.’ I think that’s pretty awesome, it means he probably feels the same, right?
Elyna: He’s not even caught my eye once since the rink. That screams get lost.
Aksel: SO NOT! It screams conflict. Means it must be hard for him
Elyna:… he probably feels guilty too
Aksel: Trust my guts, sister mine. I don’t think guilt is enough to explain this. You don’t kiss someone like that if you don’t want to
Elyna: I feel so drained, I don’t think I have the courage to face him. And the others
Aksel: Then you have no chance
Elyna:…
Aksel: Get your ass back there, Elyna. If you don’t, it means you give up. Then pack your bags, and come home
Elyna: Perhaps… perhaps I’ll do that, yeah