Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Julius
It was dark out by the time we walked through the front door later that day. We hadn’t said too much to each other since we left my attorney’s office. We were there all afternoon. Once she walked into the kitchen, she started cooking dinner.
I left her there and went to take a shower, needing the hot water to help with my tense shoulders. I had a splitting headache, hating that all of this was happening and that I was arguing with her over Kraven.
It was this endless cycle we couldn’t break. I was livid that she kept this from me, and I was slapped in the face with my brother’s bullshit. It wasn’t like I could have done anything to stop the fallout, but it would’ve been nice to have a warning.
I was at my wits' end. It was such an unfamiliar emotion for me. To feel this out of control with the truth staring right at me. I never meant to hurt Isla. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I knew she was mad at me, but I didn’t think she’d be this pissed. With the way she looked at me…
Love no longer illuminated her green gaze. Instead, betrayal did, which was funny, seeing as I felt the same way when it came to Kraven and her and their little secrets.
Just like that, an unsettling and disturbing feeling seeped into the core of my being. My heart beat out of my chest, the pulse in my neck profusely pounding against my skin while sweat pooled at my temples. My eyes shifted every which way when I entered the bathroom, wanting to wash off the day.
Words couldn’t describe what I felt. The sentiments that surged through my bloodstream. I forced myself to get my shit together as I turned on the shower.
Every bone in my body felt tense.
Every part of me felt on edge.
My blood raged, blinded by the craze of everything I was feeling.
I took a deep breath and cracked my neck, feeling the throbbing strain from my pulsating jugular vein.
My brother knew how to push every one of my buttons and did it without any hesitation whatsoever.
It didn’t matter how much I’d proved myself to him over the years.
Nothing was ever good enough. Now he was pushing me to the brink of insanity, and I was just supposed to sit back and obey like a fucking lap dog.
Trouble was his go-to card, hanging it over my head for as long as I could remember. My resentment toward his persistent demands also grew over the years. His expectations of me were ridiculous.
However, this one took the cake.
I couldn’t believe he thought I’d just bend to his will.
Kraven’s audacity knew no bounds.
He was relentless in his pursuit, determined to make whatever he believed was right happen, no matter who or what it affected.
For the first time in my life, I had no idea what the outcome would be, and I hated that more than anything.
I wasn’t used to not being in control, even down to breaking the law to make sure I was. This was wreaking havoc in my life.
I tried ignoring the looming feeling in the pit of my stomach and jumped into the shower instead. After I was done, I threw on a pair of gym shorts and made my way to the kitchen. Isla had finished cooking and set a plate for me at the table.
This was our thing. We always ate our meals together at the dining table, and I didn’t have the heart to let her down on this, too. I poured myself a glass of lemonade, sitting in my usual spot in front of her.
Chalk it up to emotions, or maybe it was me wanting to form a connection with her. In that second, sitting in front of her, it felt as if I were the first person she had ever experienced anything like this with. I’d expose a side to me that no one knew existed, possibly not even me.
I needed to spill what was weighing on me—not just to anyone, but to her.
My body shifted around as I abruptly looked deep into her eyes, searching for something I couldn’t place.
The only thing I could see was a war raging in her stare.
An internal battle took place over what was right and what was wrong.
It was sitting directly in front of her this whole time.
Me.
Her serious expression captivated me in a way I had never experienced before, only adding to the plaguing feelings that were destroying our relationship.
I didn’t make her wait too long, divulging, “She left a note on the fridge that said be back in ten, Isla. That was her goodbye to us. Do you have any idea how long I waited for those ten minutes? A part of me is still waiting… and I hate that more than absolutely anything. She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
She doesn’t even deserve my thoughts. She deserves nothing from me…
and even that is too much to ask. Do you understand me?
Do you understand the woman you want to bring back around?
Where do you think she’s going to go? Here?
In this house? The one you’ve made into a home, with us? ”
She didn’t move.
She was barely breathing.
Not wanting to distract herself from what I was willingly sharing.
I didn’t let up, needing to get it all out.
“You’re probably questioning everything I told you and everything I didn’t, and quite honestly, I don’t blame you.
It’s a lot to unpack. It’s why I didn’t tell you to begin with.
But it’s my heavy load, not yours. You have enough of your own shit without having to deal with mine too.
” I paused, allowing her to catch up. “I could sit here and tell you story after story of the shit she put us through, but it’d be a waste of time…
Nothing is going to change where we are today because of her choices, and I refuse to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Not when I spent most of our lives raising myself and her son. ”
For a moment, our life seemed still. Not filled with all these complicated indecisions of the future. I never thought I’d be living a life that appeared to be someone else’s—day in and day out.
With an intense stare, I left her speechless. Her gaze spoke volumes without having to say a word as she sat there. I welcomed the way she was gazing at me although it killed me inside. At least I felt like I was getting through to her on why we didn’t need the chaos that was our mom.
Breaking our trancelike state, I asked, “Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
She nodded. “I do.”
“So she can speak,” I teased, trying to break the tension a bit. “For a second, I thought you defaulted.”
Finally, she expressed, “I was left in a dumpster when I was a baby, Julius.”
My mouth parted, my chest caving in. Hearing her say that was salt to the wound.
“I’d like to think I was kidnapped, and my parents wouldn’t do that to me.
I mean, what kind of people throw away their own kid?
” Fresh tears brimmed her gaze as her bottom lip trembled.
“My parents aren’t monsters, right? Only pure evil could do something like that.
” She swallowed hard, and a lump formed in my throat.
“Or maybe, they got high and forgot where they left me…”
“Isla—”
“I go over and over it in my head sometimes. It’s why your music means so much to me. It’s able to quiet all that noise. You have the power to calm me. You both do…”
“What am I supposed to say to that?”
“You wanted honesty, right? I’m just trying to give it to you.”
“Isla—”
“There are so many scenarios I’ve made up throughout the years.
Maybe they were secret spies and had to leave me behind…
Maybe she was just a kid herself. Maybe he was too…
Maybe they told her I was sick, and she thought she was doing what was best…
maybe… maybe… maybe...” She peered deep into my eyes.
“Do you want to live the rest of your life with maybes, Julius? Don’t you pray for closure?
Not when you lay your head down at night, when you have nothing but your thoughts creeping in…
” With confidence, she declared, “I know you do because we’re the same, just different font. ”
“Isla—”
“I only found out a few years ago. I went snooping in my files, and you know, curiosity killed the cat.” She scoffed out a chuckle. “On the scale of cruelty, I’d say your mother tried until she couldn’t anymore, and maybe that’s why I ended up in a dumpster as well.”
I could see it in her eyes.
The doubt.
The insecurity.
The resentment.
It was there, staring right at me.
I paid extra attention to the way she looked at me. Isla had always been my biggest weakness, and at the same time, she was my greatest strength.
So many what-ifs raced through my mind.
So many consequences and situations that could still happen.
So many choices that could be right or wrong.
Unable to help myself, I reached over and caressed the side of her face with the back of my fingers. She leaned into my embrace like she had been waiting for me to do so since the second I sat down.
Her eyes closed, melting into my touch.
One thing I was sure of in this second was that her guard was slowly coming down again. She was beginning to realize that when I was with her, there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
“Julius…”
My heart sped up, hearing my name roll off her tongue.
The smell and feel of her was all around me, making me burn with desire to claim every last inch of her heart, body, and soul. I wanted to capture this moment and hold on to it for as long as I could. I wanted to remember her just like this.
For me.
Mine.
Her gaze opened with so much emotion it almost knocked the wind out of me.
“We can’t live in the past,” she reminded.
“Then be in the present with me.”
Her breathing hitched when my thumb pulled on her bottom lip. My hand suddenly moved to grip the back of her neck and bring her toward me. She climbed over the table to sit on my lap. In seconds, she was straddling my waist.
“You make me laugh and smile. You make me feel like I’m living for the first time,” I confessed, needing her to hear the truths I’d been living with.
“You make me want to be a better man. Do you have any idea how much you affect me? From your eyes to your giggle, to the way you calm me, too. You fill this void, this huge hole in my heart that existed. No one has ever been able to come close to how I feel when you’re in my arms.”
Before she could reply, I kissed her.
I engulfed her, beckoning her lips to open for me.
She released a soft moan as my tongue slid into her mouth.
Her tears fell between us, and I tasted all of them.
I’d always been a man of few words. To me, actions spoke much louder and clearer than any sentence ever could.
Yet there I was, laying it all out for her.
Word by word.
Sentence by sentence.
Making my thoughts and emotions known to her.
To only her.
I carried her up the stairs, never once breaking our connection, our mouths starving for one another.
We kissed until we passed out on my bed, and I woke up to her sleeping in my arms. This was the first time we’d fallen asleep in my bed, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. I’d wake up with her in my arms every morning if it were up to me.
The sun was rising, streaming through the curtain. I closed my eyes for a second, hugging her closer to my chest. I scratched her head, playing with her hair between my fingers. The scent of her coconut shampoo lingered in the air, and before I knew it, I had lulled myself back to sleep.
The second time I woke up, it was the smell of coffee and bacon in the air that made my eyes flutter open, and I found myself alone.
“Isla,” I called out, reaching for her.
She wasn’t there. Kicking off the sheets, I stretched, walking toward the bathroom to brush my teeth. My stomach rumbled, and I decided to take a shower after I ate some of Isla’s breakfast. We didn’t finish her dinner last night, and I didn’t want her food to get cold.
It was Saturday morning, or maybe it was Sunday. I’d lost track of the days. Rounding the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks.
For a second, I thought I was seeing a ghost.
Same posture.
Same smile.
Same eyes.
Our mother.
I was once again slapped in the face by another family member. Another lesson was learned, and I understood right then and there that ten minutes had always been our death sentence.
It was when she celebrated, “We’re all family now!”
That I roared…
“The fuck we are!”