Chapter 45
Chapter Forty-Five
Julius
I sat in my car with a bottle of bourbon in my grasp, staring at a house that held so many ghosts.
Sitting.
Waiting.
Fucking numb.
I was powerless, unable to stop myself from witnessing the reality of what our lives had become. Feelings I didn’t know I felt until that very moment.
Sadness.
Confusion.
Abandonment.
Yet again…
The emotions were endless, piling up, heavy and daunting. Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth, trying to shake off the bullshit they evoked.
My life had turned into one big slow motion. The past twenty-four hours were a blur of torment, shame, regret…
After the confirmation that she overdosed on heroin and that she would be cremated by the state since we didn’t have the funds for a funeral, I felt even guiltier. I had the money to bury her, but I couldn’t bring myself to offer. She’d already taken so much from us. It was our funds.
We needed it more than she did.
One thought led to the next, making me sick to my stomach. The longer I sat there, the further my resentment and anger grew.
I didn’t move.
I didn’t speak.
Nothing.
I was empty.
A shell of who I was before all this.
She was dead.
Gone.
Did she go to hell? Where do moms go when they give up on their families?
“Mom…” I muttered, hearing it out loud for the first time in what felt like forever.
Seconds, minutes, hours could have flown by, and not once did I look away, openly showing my agony and dismay at the house Isla turned into a home, only for it to turn into hell.
Instead of getting answers, I locked up my emotions like they never existed to begin with.
Getting out of my car, I wanted to get lost and not found.
My mind was a jumbled mess of what the fucks.
My head was pounding so hard I could barely see straight.
It felt like a hammer was beating into my skull.
A hammer she was still holding.
I drove around aimlessly for a few hours, drinking away my sorrows before I snapped out of whatever stupor I was in. The last thing I needed was to get a DUI, and I’d only just bought this car. It was past midnight when I walked through the door.
The whiskey was long gone, and all I had left was my misery.
The house was dark, as if the lights had never been turned on. Kraven wasn’t home, which only meant he was off somewhere getting in trouble, dealing with our mother’s overdose, probably in the same way I was at that moment.
“Get your shit together,” I uttered to myself, wanting to wash away the day and the booze.
I made my way into my bedroom and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her.
Sleeping.
Peaceful.
Fucking breathtaking.
I was beyond grateful for her. Especially then.
Her head was on my pillow, wrapped in a throw blanket she’d bought me for my eighteenth birthday. There was no resisting the urge to feel her beneath my body. Careful not to wake her, I lay on top of her and caged her in with my arms around her face. She fit seamlessly against my chest.
“Isla,” I whispered, faintly rubbing my lips on her mouth.
“Mmm…” she groaned, stirring awake. Her eyes fluttered, but sleep won out. “Mm-hmm,” she hummed as I kissed my way down her neck.
She opened her eyes, and her breathing hitched as her eyes snapped open, big and wide.
The world seemed to stop spinning, stop moving, and time just sort of stood still for us. With the way I was feeling that night, I needed her in a way I’d never needed anyone in all my life.
Her warmth.
Her comfort.
Her love.
Home.
Despite the dim lighting in my room, I could still see her bright green eyes, realizing the compromising position we were currently in.
Her eyebrows pinched together.
“You always look so damn good in my bed.”
She searched for something in my gaze, narrowing her eyes. “I must have fallen asleep.”
“Where’s Kraven?”
“I don’t know. He took off this morning, and I haven’t seen him since.”
“Go figure.”
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I am now.”
She placed her hand over my heart. “I’m so sorry, Julius. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you for allowing her back into your life.” Her gaze gleamed with tears. “I’ll never forgive myself for this.”
“Shhh…” I whispered close to her lips. “It’s not your fault.”
“I feel like it is. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t insisted she be around.”
“She would have found her way in somehow. It’s her MO.”
“I can see it in your eyes.” She caressed my face. “You’re blaming yourself.”
I leaned into her embrace. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
“Please don’t push me away, okay? Just let me in.”
“I’ve let you in so much, Isla, I don’t know how to kick you out.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing.” I kissed her hand, needing her in ways I’d never needed anyone.
It wasn’t just desire.
Lust.
Love?
I can’t love anyone, right? What if I’m like Melody? What if I turned into her? What if I hurt Isla?
All these questions messed with me. They played over in my head all day long, on an endless loop of what-ifs. I couldn’t hurt Isla. She wouldn’t survive it.
What if I’m made like that? What if I just take off one day? What if I can’t stay in this house?
With these memories…
I couldn’t bring her along with me, her and Kraven, not when I felt so lost, so torn, so confused. I was supposed to be the leader, but right then, I had nowhere to lead.
I surrendered, seeking refuge instead.
Almost immediately, my mind battled my heart, raging a war I never had a chance to survive. Either way you put it, I hurt someone.
Isla.
Kraven.
Myself.
For the first time in my life, I doubted everything.
Me.
Her.
Us.
“I’m just trying to be here for you,” she breathed out against my lips.
How can she be here for me when I have nothing left to give her back?
Melody took it all with her.
I smiled, rubbing my lips against her mouth. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”
“You’re changing the subject, Julius.”
“Your laughter, your smile, your heart, the way you can see through my bullshit… It’s what really takes hold of me, Isla. You know me more than anyone ever has, and I need you to know that.”
“Why does this feel like you’re saying goodbye to me?”
She didn’t hesitate, kissing my lips.
Slow.
Steady.
Precise.
“Please, don’t do this, Julius. I need you.”
“I need you too.”
She didn’t waver, murmuring, “Then take me.”
Giving in to temptation that was Isla, I claimed her lips, kissing her until nothing else mattered but her.
Us.
Our mouths starved for affection, searching for each other to ease the ache.
The destruction, filling the void with touch.
Taste.
Home.
“Julius,” she panted into my mouth. “Just be with me.”
“I am with you.”
“No… be with me.”
I stopped kissing her, sitting up to look deep into her eyes instead.
With a smile, she shared, “You can be my birthday present. Although I did love this one.”
She showed me the charm bracelet I got her for her birthday. She must have opened my gift.
That wasn’t what I was concentrating on…
It was the black cat charm dangling off it that held me captive.