Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
Jesse
Hollie’s Volvo rumbled up the gravel drive from the cabins and rolled to a stop right in front of the barn on Thursday morning after the guest breakfast. Yesterday, they’d spent the afternoon by the arena and helped us groom the horses. But seeing them down by the barn before lunchtime was unusual.
I swiped my hands down the front of my shirt, sending hay debris and dust flying through the air.
We had the 3500 pulled up—bed first—to the barn doors and had been tossing down bales of hay to take around to the pastures. Cade pushed a bale from the open hayloft doors, and it landed on the ground with a thump, sending up yet another cloud of dust.
When Hollie popped out of the front seat with a bright smile, my pulse fluttered.
Her curls were pinched back with a clip into her usual twist and she wore a fitted athletic tank with matching shorts that provided a generous tease of her tanned legs—legs I’d gotten far too acquainted with the night of Tag and Bea’s wedding.
Instantly warding off memories of those legs wrapping around my waist was much harder than it should’ve been.
Pretending to be her friend would be easier if she didn’t look so tempting all the time.
It had taken all the self-control I could muster to keep my hands to myself the last few days. Touching her back or shoulder, brushing her hand with mine, or pushing physical barriers in general came like second nature. My body wanted to be close to hers.
But I had to remind myself two dozen times a day that she didn’t.
“Good morning!” She cooed. Had to admit, she looked much brighter than she did earlier in the week.
“Morning. Where you off to?”
Her gaze darted up to where Cade stood in the hayloft and she lifted a hand to wave at him. Lowering her voice, she said, “That’s what I came to talk to you about.”
“Uh oh.”
“No, everything’s fine. We are going to Costco in San Antonio and I wanted to take the girls to a splash pad not far from where we have to shop. I wanted to invite Cade.”
My brows lifted. Chances were he wouldn’t go, but I’d never intercept an invitation. “You’re more than welcome to ask him.”
“You think he’ll go?”
“No, I don’t. But I hope he does.”
She nodded, walking closer to the barn and lifting her chin to look up at Cade. “Hey, Cade.”
An affectionate smile pulled into my boy’s cheeks, his almond eyes crinkling. “Hey, Miss Hollie.”
“I have a question for you.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Do you want to go to San Antonio with the girls and I?” His eyes darted to where I stood, an instant flash of anxiety lighting in them.
She continued, “We are going to a splash pad to play for a while, have lunch, and go shopping at Costco where we will most definitely get ice cream sundaes. We’d love for you to go with us. ”
Cade shifted foot to foot, sending bits of hay to the ground below. He looked at me for his cue. The fact he hadn’t immediately turned her down was progress worth celebrating. I gave him a nod. “Completely up to you, buddy.”
“Well…” He hesitated.
That one word stole the breath out of my lungs. No way he was considering it. My chest thumped with my own anxiety—Cade choosing to be away from me would mark the end of an era.
“What about this, Dad?” Cade motioned to the hay bales behind him.
“Don’t you worry about that. Pick what you want.”
He shoved his hands in his jeans’ pockets, his brows furrowing. His boot kicked at the loft floor. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. His body language screamed with conflict—the war in his spirit waged on his face. Cade wanted to go.
But slowly he eked out the words. “I…think I’ll stay.”
My shoulders fell, heaviness weighing them down. I didn’t want my kid to live in fear, but what more could I do besides patiently wait for him to spread his wings?
Hollie’s voice was sweet, not one iota of pressure in her tone. “You sure, Cade?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Okay, maybe next time,” she said.
On her way back to the car, I quietly thanked her. In passing, she squeezed my forearm and whispered, “One day.”
Without a word, I went back to my task, stacking the bales in the truck bed until I was caught up.
Then I looked up at Cade, wondering why he stopped tossing them down.
But he stood there, not moving, staring off down the driveway where Hollie’s Volvo disappeared.
The pain I saw in his eyes made my blood surge with protectiveness. “You okay, Cade?”
To his credit, he shook his head, rarely anything but honest.
“Get down here.”
Obediently, he scampered down the loft ladder and exited the barn. I smacked the tailgate with my palm, and he hopped up to sit on it.
“Talk to me.”
His voice was small as he rubbed his palms down his thighs. “I…wanted to say yes.”
A boulder fell onto my chest. What was my role here? Did I give him a sharp push out of the nest? Talk about facts? Tell him most of our fears were completely irrational? For a moment, I groped for wisdom, knowing I’d stepped fully out of my depth.
I pulled my hat off, shaking hay from the rim. I plucked Cade’s off his head too and set it on the tailgate, so I could look him straight in the face. “Let me ask you something, son. I want you to be as honest as you can be.”
He nodded, his green eyes lifting to roam my face.
“What are you afraid is going to happen?”
He immediately looked away, his cheeks turning red as tears pooled in his eyes. “That…you won’t be here when I come back.” His voice hollowed out on the last word.
With one sentence, he’d hit the core of it. “Can I be honest with you?”
After hesitating a moment, he nodded again.
“Every single day, I’m afraid something is going to happen to you because you are the only thing on this earth that I truly care about.”
He blinked, sending a few tears down his cheek.
I eased onto the tailgate beside him, my thigh forcing him to scoot over.
“But if we wait for fear to go away before we live, then we will never start living, Cade. You know, we will probably struggle with the fear of losing people for the rest of our lives.”
Cade’s eyes went wide. “The rest of our lives?”
“Yeah, think about it.” I tapped the top of his leg, where a knotted scar graced his kneecap beneath his faded work jeans. “Remember when you got your scar?”
A small smile curled into his cheek as he thought about his bicycle accident.
“Were you afraid to ride your bike after you fell?”
“A little.”
“But you did it anyway, right?”
Cade gave a slow nod, understanding where I was heading.
“A cut that needs a few stitches heals pretty quick. We eventually forget all about it. But hearts aren’t like that. They can take decades to heal. And, even then, they’ll ache. Sometimes they’ll ache forever.”
Cade shrugged. “That makes life seem kind of sad.”
“It is sad. Getting stuck in our hurt is part of being human, Cade. And I’m just as prone to that as you or anyone else. But, at some point, we have to make a choice. Are we going to get back on the bike or are we never gonna feel the wind on our faces again?”
“I don’t want to always be afraid.” His voice scraped.
“I don’t either.”
“Are you…disappointed in me because I didn’t go?”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Son.”
His deep green eyes rose.
“I’m not disappointed in you. Not now. Not ever.”
That made him smile. “I wish we would’ve had this conversation before.”
We’d had a thousand conversations just like it, but I didn’t correct him. “Why’s that?”
“Maybe I would’ve gone.”
“Well, there’s always next time.”
A low rumble sounded from down the driveway.
I frowned as Hollie’s Volvo zoomed around the corner of the barn.
Sliding off the tailgate, I waved my hand at her.
She stopped and her passenger window rolled down as she leaned over the console to see me.
Bracing my hand on the roof of her car, I looked into the window.
“Thought you’d be long gone by now. Everything okay? ”
She rolled her eyes in irritation. “I forgot my wallet.”
“Oh okay. Just making sure you were alri—”
“Miss Hollie?” Cade stepped up to the passenger window, and I moved aside to make room for him. The girls shrieked enthusiastic greetings from the backseat.
My ribcage turned to steel as Cade pressed his lips together.
“Hey, Cade!” Hollie beamed.
“Do you mind if I, uh, come with you?”
Hollie tossed a glance back at her girls. “Ladies, can Cade come with us?”
“Cade! I beg of you!” Izzy yelled.
Nora chanted his name on repeat, kicking her feet like a maniac.
The smile and slow blush rising into his cheeks thawed something deep in my spirit. I forced down the lump in my throat, denying myself an emotional response in front of Cade, who needed to see me happy for him to go have a great time.
Hollie asked, “Do you have swim trunks?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I’ll drive you down to the cabin so you can change.”
Cade pulled open the passengers’ door and slipped onto her leather interior seats, leaving streaks of dust on everything he touched.
I’d worry if I didn’t know how down to earth Hollie was.
He shut the door behind him and smiled but his top teeth bared down on his bottom lip just a little. “Dad, are you gonna be okay?”
My voice scraped against my swelling vocal chords. “Better than ever—proud of you.” My gaze flicked to Hollie, whose eyes softened when they met mine.
She held a phone symbol up to her ear and mouthed, I’ll call you later.
I gave her a nod. I’ll be waiting.
“Thank you, Hollie.”
She smiled. “You need anything from the store?”
I scrunched my forehead, thinking hard. I needed an entire grocery list, but I couldn’t recall a single specific thing with the way my head swam. Instead, I blurted, “How about some hazelnut coffee cream?”
“Wait.” Hollie’s brows rose. “Did I get you into that?”
“Well, I just thought after running around with kids all afternoon, you might need some coffee. I—could make us a pot.”