Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
Hollie
The chains popped as I swung on the porch swing, relishing in the way the warm breeze lifted my hair. I wasn’t back to a hundred percent, but I was on my way. The kids were their jolly selves, following Cade around, and Jesse had returned to his duties on the ranch.
Which meant it was time to talk to my mom.
She was inside the big house, making us glasses of iced tea. Dread curled up my throat and every fifteen seconds or so, I caught myself picking at my cuticles. Suppressing a growl, I tucked my hands beneath my thighs, taking a few deep breaths. I could do this. I had to. It was way past time.
Finally, the door creaked as my mom stepped out, ice tinkling in the cups as she approached.
She wore capri-length slacks and a purple cap-sleeve t-shirt.
She’d cut her short hair shorter recently, it was almost pixie cut length.
It suited her better than the blunt bob she’d maintained for the last ten years.
There was more gray in it than the last time I saw her though.
She handed me a glass and smiled. “I love this porch.”
I gave a breathy chuckle, fighting to appear relaxed. “Me, too.”
“What do you think about the ranch?”
I let out a breath, puffing my cheeks. Where to begin?
Jesse.
His name made a cut on my heart.
“Well…” I said. “I love it.” I shrugged, unsure of how to communicate the depths of my love or even sort out what my love truly centered around. “It’s beautiful, the horses are great, it feels like a family here. I get why Bea stayed. Do you like it?”
She took a sip of her tea. “I do. There’s a lot of magic here.”
I nodded. The silence instantly felt uncomfortable and I wracked my brain for a topic.
“I’ve loved being with the girls the last two days.
” As I was recovering, the girls tagged along with Mom quite a bit, stayed the night with her in Bea’s cabin, and helped her in the kitchen.
She smiled. “They are just so precious, Hollie. I know you know that, but it’s clear you’re doing a great job with them. ”
Tears welled in my eyes and I blinked them back. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re a good Mama.”
She was, too. But I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. On the heels of her compliment, it would feel placating or fake. “But not a good daughter.”
Mom’s glass of tea halted half-way to her mouth. Her voice softened. “Hollie.”
Thank goodness for this sweaty cup, because my cuticles would be oozing blood right now if I wasn’t holding it. For all the pep-talking I gave myself, here I was, all trembly and teary and we hadn’t even begun our conversation yet.
“You’re not a bad daughter.” Mom’s voice shook too.
“Yeah, well, I’ve spent a long time feeling like it.”
She gave a watery scoff. “I’ve spent a long time feeling like a bad mom.”
I glanced up and our gazes held—my brown eyes a mirror of her own. “You’re a human. And you’ve made mistakes just like I have. But…I feel like we should talk about what happened between us.”
She gave me a slow nod. “Yes. We should.”
I drew a breath through my teeth. “After what happened between you and Lance, it didn’t feel like you were on my side anymore.
I felt like you were angry at me for doing the right thing.
So, when Garrett came along, you ‘turning Dad against him’”—I used air quotes—“fit the narrative in my head. I thought you were seeking revenge.”
Mom nodded as her thumb moved up and down the side of the glass, catching the droplets until they rolled down her finger.
“I wasn’t angry at you, honey. I was angry at myself.
” Her voice cracked over the last word. “My entire world was upside down and I was reaping consequences everywhere I turned. But I promise you, my warnings about Garrett weren’t vengeful at all. I truly felt he was not good for you.”
I gave a wry laugh. “Trust me, I know that now.” Her eyebrows lifted at that. “How did you know though? When you tried to tell me, I wouldn’t even hear you out.”
She sniffed. “No, you wouldn’t. But, I had lost all credibility at that point.
You were smart to question everything I said.
” Her inhale shook. “I got an off feeling the first time I met Garrett because…this is going to sound crazy…but it was his eyes. There was darkness in them, Hollie. Something made the hair stand on the back of my neck when I met him.”
My hair stood on the back of my neck when she said that.
“And he was too smooth. Almost unhuman in his precision. I saw this near-perfect man wooing my child and I got an off-feeling around him. That hardly seemed like a basis to forbid it, but sometimes, moms just know. And I had to follow my intuition. I’m sure it felt like I was trying to ruin your life though.
I didn’t know how I was going to make you see what I saw. I didn’t even know how to explain it.”
“Well, you don’t have to convince me now. I’ve seen it plenty.”
Her voice softened. “You have?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed the shame gathering in my throat like a boulder. “We actually got divorced in October.”
Mom nodded. “I know.”
“Bea told you?”
“No, Izzy told me at the wedding.”
My mouth fell open. “You’ve known since the wedding?”
Mom nodded. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about it for a long time.”
“Why didn’t you call and ask?”
She lifted a shoulder, drawing a deep breath. “I’m a coward, I guess?”
“Mom.”
“I don’t know, honey. The fact that I was just finding out about it in April made me think that you—you didn’t want me involved.
” Her eyes closed as her emotions swelled.
“I should have reached out, but…” Her words choked off.
“I still deal with so much shame, Hollie. And it’s different with you than it is with my other children.
I feel terrible saying that, but it is. You were the one who watched me, night after night, jeopardize my family and your future.
And I feel like I have no right to question you about your choices anymore.
I’ve wanted to ask, and I’ve hoped you’d tell me yourself, but butting in makes me feel like an imposter. ”
I swiped the back of my hand over my wet cheeks.
“There’s so many things I haven’t done that I wanted to do because I feel like I have no place.”
“Like what?”
She laughed, but the sound was laced with years of pain.
“Be a better grandma to my only grandbabies. Be involved in your life. So many times I’ve wanted to come swim with the girls in your pool or go out for breakfast on my day off.
I’ve even wanted to volunteer at a pregnancy center downtown.
But pretending to help people when I’ve hurt my own people… ” She shrugged, unable to continue.
“Mom, it was so many years ago.” I sniffed. “You’re a wonderful person who made a mistake.”
She shook her head. “No, Hollie. It wasn’t a simple mistake. It was a choice that had consequences I am still reaping. Like you and your marriage.”
I frowned. “How is that a consequence?”
“Answer a question for me, first. I’ve had my suspicions for years…” She took a shaky breath. “Was he…was he good to you?”
Talking honestly about Garrett was still new and odd. From the very first day I met him, he poisoned me against my support system, and it took years for me to claw my way out of his maze. “No.”
A sniff and a sob came out of my mother simultaneously, and she dropped her face into the palms of her hands. “I’m so…so…sorry, Hollie.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You would’ve listened to me—about Garrett.”
Understanding dawned in my heart. “Oh, Mom.” I put my tea on the ground and scooted down the porch swing to sling an arm over her shoulders.
“I could’ve—protected you.”
I leaned my cheek against the top of her head, squeezing her closer.
“But because you didn’t trust me…you got married…
and he wasn’t good to you. That is my fault.
” She struggled for a few long moments to catch her breath.
When she lifted her head, she said, “Cal was determined to make our marriage work for the good of the family, and his commitment to me strengthened after all that, if you can believe it.”
My father’s determination was another reason I stayed with Garrett through all our turmoil.
I wanted to be like him—selfless and reconciliatory.
But comparing my mother to my husband was comparing apples and oranges.
They were not the same. Garrett’s unfaithfulness to me was the tip of a very big iceberg.
The fact that my parents were able to find a happily ever after was a miracle. And I was happy for them, but not everyone had to make that choice. I’d been trying for years to love Garrett and I into unity, but it didn’t always work like that.
She continued, “I didn’t deserve his forgiveness, and I don’t deserve yours. But is there any way you can forgive me? I feel so silly asking for a second chance when your life has been totally wrecked, but I want a chance to love you and—Izzy and Nora.” She could barely squeeze out their names.
I shook my head. “I can hardly call those two girls a wreck, Mom. I’m not sure I’d go back and change anything because then I wouldn’t have them.
I do forgive you. But I need your forgiveness too.
I know you tried to have this conversation with me many times before but I was bitter and allowed Garrett to manipulate me into thinking you all hated me.
” I huffed in disbelief at the absurdity of his schemes.
“I’m sorry for being an angry, rebellious teen and not having this conversation with you thirteen years ago. ”
Mom turned to face me and her arms came around my neck. I leaned forward to hug her and our shoulders shook together. She whispered over my shoulder, “I’ve never once blamed you, honey. Never once.”
For a few long minutes, we cried, holding each other. And the pieces of my heart that could only be healed by this slowly knitted back together. When we pulled away from each other, she swiped her eyes with a finger. “I needed that.”
I huffed a laugh. “Me too. Where’s your Kleenex pack when we need it?”
She chuckled, a smile bringing light and warmth to her eyes. “So, can you update me? Where is Garrett? What’s going on?”
For the next twenty minutes, I told her about Garrett and Kayleigh, my upcoming customer service job, and how I wasn’t sure whether to stay in the house or sell it and get an apartment.
“Can I make a suggestion?” She asked.
“Sure.”
“Come home. Estelle is the only one there right now. We’ve got all those empty bedrooms, you wouldn’t have to pay a thing. You can stash whatever cash you make and wouldn’t have to make any big decisions right now.”
I stifled my need to cry at the thought. “You’d be okay with that?”
“Oh, honey, we would welcome the chance to help you!”
I can go home.
The idea hit my heart with such velocity, I could scarcely breathe.
Suddenly, the seventeen year-old still trapped inside me, ached so badly for the time lost with her parents that I wanted to crumble onto the porch and weep.
Living away from our home would give me ample time to heal.
I imagined late nights talking with dad while he smoked his cigar and prepping Sunday breakfasts with my mother.
I wanted that.
I wanted to go home.
But what about Jesse?
The fragile hope in my heart crashed to the ground. And I suddenly felt sick with longing for him. My eyes, without my permission, darted to the barnyard, wishing I could see through the barn to the arena beyond, where I knew he was probably working.
One blink of my eyes took me back to all the moments we’d shared together over the last four weeks. Him bandaging my fingers, the dances, the kisses, the late nights, and laughter with the kids. I’d spent days holed up in his cabin—the cabin he offered to give up for me.
Mom’s voice was gentle. “But you’re in love, aren’t you?”
I closed my swollen eyelids, refusing to cry again. “I don’t know what I am. Confused, I guess.”
“Bea told me he’s a good man.”
“One of the best I’ve ever met.”
“Has he asked you to stay?”
“He offered to move into the bunkhouse with his son so the girls and I have a place to live.”
“So, he loves you.”
I remembered his sleepy voice. I might…love you. “He has feelings for me, but I don’t know if they’re love. It doesn’t matter though. I can’t stay.”
“Why not?”
I took a few minutes to explain the parenting agreement Garrett and I made. “If I randomly move from Colorado, he could say I kidnapped the girls. If I truly want to move, I’ll have to go through the court system first and file for a modification in our custody arrangement.”
“Do you think you’ll do that?”
I huffed. “I don’t know. I need to think about it.
If something changes and he wants to keep seeing them every other weekend, Mom, I won’t take that from my girls.
Not for anyone, not even Jesse—no matter how much I might want to.
” She reached over to rub my arm, her eyes softening with understanding.
My voice trembled. “If we still had joint custody but I moved, the girls would only see him a couple times a year. They deserve more than that. And Jesse…” I choked down my tears.
“He deserves someone who is free to love him back.”
“You’re not?”
“No? I’m not even sure I want another serious relationship. I don’t know who I am anymore. I need counseling, time to heal, time to just…exist. Jesse deserves me at my best. So does Cade.”
“I understand that.”
“Maybe I could come home for a while first before making any promises. I don’t want to accidentally hurt him.”
“I think that’s very wise, honey.”
“I…I think I do love him though.”
She smiled. “Good. I’d love to have him as a son-in-law.”
A laugh ripped from my throat. “Mom!”
She laughed too, patting my leg. “I’m just saying Jesse and that boy of his are so kind and genuine. I totally approve.”
Even though I laughed, those words deeply touched my heart. Bea, Jackie, Estelle, and my mom were shipping me with Jesse? One thing was for sure, I would never get married again without them by my side. That approval meant more than I could put words to.
Mom and I talked more about the girls and I moving into her house, and we decided to caravan out on Sunday. Jackie would be tagging in the night before and Mom had to report back to her job on Monday afternoon.
The entire time, a smile pulled into my cheeks. The Mount Everest of Garrett and all the decisions I had to make regarding him didn’t feel as scary anymore. With my family—my parents—behind me, I had the tools I needed to climb all the way to the peak.
And for the first time, I didn’t feel alone.