Chapter 35
"I don't wanna let them win," he said.
"And?" Tanner pressed.
But I was hanging on his words, wondering if I'd jumped the gun on my feelings. "And how do we fit into that?" I begged.
A whimsical little smile touched his lips, but it vanished just as fast. "Y'all are why I don't wanna let them win.
I mean, I was winning. I had it all, and I coulda kept doing this forever, get me?
The bull shit?" He chuckled. "The shit on the bulls, I mean.
Riding them and all. Yeah, that ain't hard. "
"But this is?" I asked.
Finally, he lifted those dark brown eyes up to find mine. "Yeah, Cody. Shit, I've been across this whole country near ten times now. I've met thousands of people. I even took some home, ya know. I mean, the hotel sorta home. And all of 'em?" He scoffed. "They weren't worth keepin' around anymore."
"Ok?" I asked.
"It's real hard to find someone that gets me. Two of 'em?" This time, he looked at Tanner. "And sexy ones, too, ya know? I mean, I just wanted someone to give me a chance, but you two?"
He was gripping his hands together tightly. Too tightly, so I reached over to slide mine between them. That made Tanner move a hand to J.D.'s leg. Like that was what he'd needed, J.D. dropped his eyes back down, but he didn't stop talking.
"Everyone else I liked, they wanted me to change, or be different, or something.
Oh, I'm sure they liked me real good, but the me they made up, not the me I am.
And finding you two?" That smile appeared again.
"Well, it's easy being with ya, but it's hard too.
Like, hard knowing if I'm fucking up or not.
Hard wondering if this is real. Hard thinking about what comes next, because our lives are all temporary and shit. "
"What if we're not temporary?" Tanner asked. "I mean, what if this is real, J.D.?"
His shoulders relaxed as air slid from his lungs. "I don't wanna quit." He paused to shove a hand across his mouth, then checked both of us again. "Not yet. I don't wanna let those fuckers chase us off."
"But when is it too much?" I asked, thinking about when my dad had asked me about my end goals. "When do we win enough, J.D.?"
"When someone else can do what we did," he said softly. "When a hot babe can walk in without even thinking about keeping her head down. When a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't something to hide. When the Pbr worries about scores, not who is making those fucking scores!"
"And what happens if it breaks us first?" I pressed.
He shook his head. "Naw. I'd rather quit. But..." He grunted. "Fuck! I'm so bad at this shit."
"Which shit?" Tanner asked.
"Look." J.D. pulled in a breath, let go of my hand, and turned a bit so he was able to see Tanner as easily as me.
"I'm good. I'm damned fucking good. I know I can do it, and I didn't punch those fuckers that much, or cut 'em, or break all these fucking bones because I suck at this.
Neither did you, Tanner. Now, Cody ain't broken much shit yet, but I don't wanna see her do it neither. "
"Agreed," Tanner told him.
"But I don't wanna let those fuckers win!
" he snarled. "They think my shit is their business, so I wanna make it damned clear to them that it ain't.
" Then he paused. "But I don't wanna see y'all get hurt for it neither.
I just... I feel this..." He tapped his chest, right over his heart.
"I don't wanna lose, but I can't take getting run over again.
I need you out there, Tanner. And I wanna see Cody win.
I know we can, but if the choice is hurting or losing?
Fuck, I'm ready to lose, because you two make me feel like I've already won. "
"I could walk away," I admitted, watching J.D. "I've made enough to make something of myself. I did what I wanted. I made it, J.D. I proved I'm as good as the boys, and while I'd like a gold buckle, I could walk away right now."
"So you're done?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I'm not. I don't want to be, but I could be. If they make it so this isn't worth it, I finally have a happy ending waiting for me." And I gestured between the two of them.
Which made that twisted, devious little smirk of J.D.'s start to form. "So, maybe you're saying you ain't got nothing to lose?"
"Pretty much."
"But maybe you still got shit ya can gain?"
I nodded slowly. "I do. I also don't care about it as much as I used to."
"Me either," Tanner agreed. "I was doing this because it's what I'm good at.
Yeah, I love it, but turning bulls is a hell of a lot better job than sitting in an office, you know?
And I thought I'd work my way up into the Pbr, end up announcing, or something like that.
I figured this was my career plan, but I don't want a career in the Pbr if it's going to be run like this.
I definitely do not want to spend the rest of my life lying about who I am. "
"Ain't no damned good reason you should have to," J.D. agreed.
"Except money," Tanner reminded him. "And us? We're still new. Sure, I have a rich boyfriend now, and my girlfriend is working on making herself pretty well-off too. But that's the thing, guys. I don't want to keep doing this shit just so I can be with you."
"No," I assured him, shaking my head to make the point. "Tanner, that's stupid."
"I'm still not poor," J.D. told him.
"And that's a big jump," I pointed out. "To assume that because you're fucking, you're going to support him?"
"But I would!" J.D. said. "I..." He paused for a little too long. "I like thinking this could be forever. That we can be real, and maybe we can keep doing this, you know? I'll buy the farm, Cody can buy the cows, and Tanner will wash my truck in some damned short shorts."
Which made me snort out a giggle. "I mean, that is tempting."
"And it's just money," J.D. said. "Shit, I got plenty of it.
Mama made me pay a guy to do things so I won't run out.
Like, investments, get me? She said I can't drink it all away, and I'm gonna need some when I'm old and all these injuries catch up with me.
But that's the thing. I'm not that young no more.
And..." He looked over at Tanner. "You don't need to do this because you need money.
You need to do this because you want it. "
"I do and I don't," Tanner admitted.
And that made complete sense to me. "I want to push back," I said. "I want to make it like it used to be. Well, more like I wanted it to be, because I haven't been doing this long enough to really have a good 'used to' to judge by, but you know what I mean."
"I do," Tanner assured me. "But that 'used to' bit is based on being a straight man. I'm not straight and you're not a man."
"Exactly," I agreed. "But there's this little part of me...."
"What?" J.D. begged.
"I want to push back," I tried to explain. "I want to shove it all in their faces, but at the same time, I'm not willing to die for it. I don't want to end up like Casey, because it's not worth that! This is a sport, and while it was my escape plan, dying isn't a plan!"
"Naw, it ain't," he agreed, watching me closely. "But do you still love it?"
"I love the bull riding part," I said. "I love that feeling. For eight seconds, I'm invincible, and there's no feeling like it."
"Like I have all the power in my hands," Tanner said.
"I'm the hero for a moment, and I'm not fucking shit up.
I know how to save the day, which way to move, and it's like.
.." He glanced over to the pond, his eyes losing focus.
"Me, the guy who's not the tallest, or hottest, or most famous.
For that one moment, I have it all. There's a rush, like knowing this will hurt if I fuck it up, but I also know I won't. It's what I'm good at, and I'm damned good at this. "
"Yeah," J.D. agreed. "You really are, Tanner. You're also a really good boyfriend. I bet you'd be a damned good rancher too - but that should be 'one day,' not today."
I nodded. "So, what does all of this mean?"
Tanner chuckled once. "I think it means we've got nothing left to lose, Cody. No more hiding. No more holding back. I'll keep sitting on the rail, and if anything goes wrong while you're on a bull, I'll jump that damned rail again and stop it." He turned to J.D. "Same for you."
"And I'm coming out," J.D. said. "If they don't like it, then let them kick me off. I'm rich enough I'll sue the shit outta them. You should do the same, Cody. I mean, about being a girl instead of bi, but yeah."
"Wait, wait, wait," I begged. "All of that is great, but when do we stop?"
"When it's not worth it," J.D. said.
Tanner shook his head, though. "When doing it means less than quitting. When spending a month at home, together, sounds like it's a better idea."
I heard them both. I did, but when I put their words together, it made me realize something else.
"Y'all, you realize you're saying it doesn't matter if they kick us out, right?
That when we go back in Nashville, we don't have to play it safe, or give a shit about sponsors.
That we don't have to avoid the fines, or worry about getting fired. "
"Yeah," J.D. said. "This is it. We're gonna go start shit. We're going to make this the biggest damned strike the Pbr's ever seen, and if we say something they don't like? Well, fuck 'em. We're gonna make them get rid of us, and then we'll make 'em regret it."
"And if they don't kick you off the tour?" Tanner asked.
But I had that answer. "Then we ride on, Tanner. And we keep riding on - or not riding as the case may be. We cowboy up - "
"Cowgirl," J.D. corrected. "Cody, takes a hell of a lot more balls to be a cowgirl right now than a cowboy."
"Ok, then we cowgirl up and remind the Pbr that we're the crazy fuckers.
We're the thing people pay to see, but we're not replaceable.
We take risks, push boundaries, make new records, and let the fans adore us.
We scream at the cameras, and yell at the reporters.
We stop acting like their pawns, and make the Pbr remember that we're the ones doing the work.
They can play it our way, or they can fuck off. "
"Yeah," J.D. almost purred. "I like the way you think, rookie."
"And then we keep pushing," Tanner said.
"And pushing and pushing. Maybe what we're pushing for will change, but if you two are serious, that puts us in the position to actually do something about this.
We're not worried about how to get you two to the next event.
We're not worried about whether or not anyone likes us, because you're already sponsored. "
"Shit," J.D. breathed. "You're right! Max made sure I'm safe. Cody is too. We ain't got nothing holding us back anymore."
"And everyone else does," I said. "They all have something to lose, but we three are able to risk it all, because this? It's not our goal anymore. I mean, not mine at least."
"Or mine," Tanner agreed.
"Or mine," J.D. said. "So yeah. Nashville. Time to pull it all out of our boots and ride the fuck on until we can't ride no more."
"Because they can't stop us now," I finished for him.