CHAPTER 14
Theo
When we got back, Jack looked about ready to start a fight, and I didn’t feel like dealing with him at all, so I left Matthew to face him- even though, on reflection, that wasn’t very fair on him since he was the one who’d been visibly exhausted since this morning- and headed straight to my room, completely ignoring Nico and Alex asking what had happened.
It was only just starting to sink in. Sepsis. Death. He wouldn’t die, right? Stryker couldn’t be taken down that easily.
Armelle’s expression had told me otherwise. I flinched just thinking about it.
Matthew creaked the door open half an hour later, whilst I was lying on my back on my bed, staring at the ceiling, a joint in one hand whilst my other arm was folded behind my head.
“Can I sleep here tonight?” He asked timidly.
My head snapped round, the request unexpected, “why?”
“Because Jack’s…I don’t want to deal with him.” Matthew mumbled, sinking down onto Stryker’s bed “he- he worries a lot. Since…” he trailed off, staring down at his hands.
I didn’t comment, didn’t ask questions, inhaling the smoke and puffing it out.
Matthew didn’t even call me out on it.
“You okay?”
The question caught me off guard. My brows furrowed “I’m not the dying one.” I pointed out flatly.
“No.” Matthew agreed “but you…he’s your partner. You tend to get close to them real quick.”
I winced “he’s…he’ll be fine.”
The other stayed silent, eyes glued to the floor.
“You don’t believe that?” I asked sharply, feeling defensive all of the sudden.
Matthew ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the roots “yeah.” He swallowed thickly “no, I…he will be.”
“Don’t lie to me.” I snapped “for fucks sake, I’m not made of glass, can everyone stop treating me like I am!”
“Theo.” Matthew grit out hollowly.
Theo. Not Danes. Theo. That wasn’t…that wasn't what I was used to.
“That’s not…it’s sepsis.”
“Duh. My ears work.” I retorted sassily, inhaling from the joint again. It wasn’t having it’s usual calming effect right now. My chest was aching.
“Sepsis is serious. If not treated properly…”
“We have good staff.” I insisted.
“Hm. Good. That’s good.”
“Will you stop that?” I growled, growing more irritated by the second.
“Stop what?”
“Saying things like you don’t believe them.”
“Sorry.” Matthew put his head in his hands “it’s…I just…I’m not exactly an optimist.”
I didn’t answer. I squeezed my eyes shut, heart pounding.
The whole situation was confusing me. Stryker might be dying and the only thing he had cared to tell me was to look for a load of kids that had gone missing when I didn’t even know where to start.
There was no way I could do that without Stryker guiding me, and-
“Theo.” I heard the bed creak as Matthew’s weight lifted from it. I felt a rough thumb on my cheek moments later, the gesture entirely too tender. “He’s strong.”
“I know.”
“He has a better chance than most.”
“I know.”
He fell silence, stroking my cheek.
I kept my eyes closed, bringing the joint back to my lips.
“You have freckles.”
“What?” My eyes shot open. Matthew was scrutinising my face, expression open and caring “freckles. I’d never noticed, but-“
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat, avoiding his piercing gaze “I know.”
“They’re nice.”
“They’re freckles.”
Matthew’s hand disappeared. He’d stuffed it in his pocket.
“You…” he sucked in a deep breath “I…”
“Spit it out.” My voice came out harsher than necessary.
“Can I?”
“Can you what?”
“Stay?”
“Yeah. Whatever.” I scoffed, rubbing my forehead, brain starting to feel fuzzy.
Matthew swallowed hard, eyes searching my face once more “want to go out?”
“Huh?” What was he on about tonight?
“For a…for a drink. Just…might help.”
“I don’t know.” I replied quietly. Usually, drinking would be the perfect solution to quell my worry, but “I… I’m tired, I think.”
He nodded once “that’s…okay. Yeah. Me too.”
“I know.”
He swallowed, shifting “I will, though. Go out. So…I’ll be back. Without waking you up, I hope.”
“But…you’ve been…you need sleep.” I sounded stupid. What did I care, anyway?
“I need to clear my mind first.” He murmured gently, the look in his eyes entirely too fond.
“Okay.” I mumbled.
He shakily smiled back before exiting my room, and at that I made the decision to stub out the joint, roll over and attempt sleep.
Training was fun the next morning, mainly because Matthew was participating too and was more of a laugh than I’d expected for someone so...rule respecting.
As we waited for everyone to drag themselves down to the field, we had our own mini sparring match, mostly for jokes since neither of us were putting much effort in.
I grinned, breathless, ducking another sloppy punch from him.
“Come on, I know you’re holding back.” Matthew teased, circling me lazily, his waves plastered to his forehead and mouth curved into a smile.
“Maybe I’m trying not to bruise that pretty face.” I shot back, smirking.
He grinned “ah, so it’s pretty now, is it?”
I snorted, by some miracle not feeling the usual embarrassment slamming into my chest, lunging forward and catching him in a tackle that sent us both to the ground in a flurry of tangled limbs.
We rolled off each other, laughing, before Jack stalked over and mumbled “fitness test. We have to line up with the others.”
He offered Matthew a hand and pulled him up out of the dirt; I stood by myself.
Johnathan was waiting for us with most of the others, foot tapping impatiently. As I stepped into line he shot me a half hearted glare but it held no real heat.
“I don’t want slacking this morning.” The commander said gruffly “I don’t want any of you falling behind. Understood?”
I grumbled a yes, confident that I wouldn’t slack as I stretched out my arms and made sure to shoot Matthew a cocky grin, though even if I did it wouldn’t exactly be a choice like the man was trying to make it sound.
The test began with a long-distance run: five kilometres during with I made absolute sure to surge ahead of Matt, though I still couldn’t quite outrun Alex or Nico.
Next came pull-ups, where Johnathan required us to at least make it to ten.
My arms were burning but I made it to sixteen- not beating my record of seventeen yet, but not bad for all the time I hadn’t done them for, especially since I beat both Nick, who did eleven, and Matt, who stayed on his usual twelve- that made me cackle.
I think I may have beaten Jack as well, though he didn’t openly admit to it so I couldn’t be sure.
“Still like me after I beat you?” I whispered to Matt, breathless.
“Shut up,” he muttered back, sounding winded.
We did push-ups, sit-ups, the dreaded sandbag carry.
By the time we got back to sparring I was sweating and out of breath, but not out of energy; it was the best training I’d had in a while and with what had happened with Stryker and my increasingly worsening worry over my feelings for Matthew, I’d needed it.
I got beat by Dean, destroyed Alex- and did a happy dance for it, which provoked a loud tut from Johnathan- almost pinned down Jack and then got to go against Matt.
It was a pointless spar, though. We’d been watching each other train too much and knew each others moves to perfection: it was creepy, considering we’d only really known each other for a month. We grappled and got nowhere- duck, step, left, jab, twist.
I heard a snort, made the mistake of turning, and Matt seized the opportunity to pin me down.
“You’re not supposed to get distracted.” He mumbled into my ear. I groaned, realising my weight from my arms and completely flopping down on top of him, grinning at his exaggerated moan and pathetic attempt to shove me off him, then distinctly heard Dean grumble ‘get a room.’
I froze. Matt, from underneath me, snapped his gaze over to the young man.
Johnathan called Alex and Jack to spar, not paying any attention whatsoever to the tense expression on mine and Matt’s faces, so in the meantime I crept closer to Dean and hissed “the fuck do you mean?”
He didn’t look amused, or remotely kind, when he muttered “I didn’t realise they let couples train together now. Real progressive.”
My chest tightened. The dust seemed heavier all of the sudden, the air too thick to breathe.
Matthew’s expression didn’t change much. He brushed the dirt off from his shirt, exhaling slowly before replying “we were training, Dean.”
“You were grinding all over each other.” He sneered back.
“We were messing around.”
“Sure you were.” He replied easily “just saying, maybe tone it down unless you want the wrong kind of attention.”
That did it for me. I felt Matthew’s gaze on me as I backed away, even thought I heard him calling my name. I didn’t wait for him, fleeing off the field, heart hammering against my chest and tears stinging my eyes.
It wasn’t true. We were messing around. It wasn’t like that. He didn’t mean that. He’s on edge too.
It didn’t matter what I told myself . It didn’t help the pure anxiety bubbling through my body, clawing it’s way up my throat.
“Danes! Danes! Theo!”
My whole body tensed up. I clutched the fence, head bowed as I tried to heave air into my lungs, but it wouldn’t come. I couldn’t breathe.
A hand touched my shoulder. My body jerked away on instinct, even more so when I saw who it was.
“Stay back.” I choked out, fighting back a sob “I mean it. Jesus, what do you think we're doing here? Huh?"
Matthew stared back at me through wide eyes, concern obvious but levelled with apprehension.
"We're not fucking boyfriend and girlfriend here." I spat "you're nothing but a warm mouth to me."
I watched the hurt flash across Matthew's face, watched as he took a step back.
"Jeez." He said back, jaw clenching "sorry for giving a shit."
I just snorted. All I could hear was Dean's voice in the back of my mind. The taunting tone.
"He’s not serious, Theo." Matthew murmured, gaze lowered to the ground, as if reading my thoughts “he’s just stressed about Stryker, he didn’t mean it.”
"Doesn't change anything." I spat "you're getting ahead of yourself."
"Yeah. Clearly." Matthew spat back “but you didn’t seem to care the other night, did you? Or before that? What is wrong with you? You can’t- you can’t keep switching up fucking personalities every five seconds. And it’s not all my fault, Theo. I didn’t rape you. You wanted- ”
“Shut up, Matthew! This is- this is- it’s wrong! It’s wrong and it’s ruining me and I can’t-“ I pulled at my hair, breathing heavily.
“You don’t get it, you just don’t get it!” I yelled, beginning to pace in a circles, not caring that we were causing a scene in clear view of the rest of the group.
“I’m not supposed to be like this! I’m not! I’m supposed to be normal!”
Matthew’s expression was blank. “Seriously? Is this all because I had sex with you? It was only a few times, Theo, it doesn’t have to me a reoccurring thing, there’s no need to get all worked up about it, and Dean didn’t-“
“Shut up!” I screamed, “don’t say that again! Don’t you dare say that again! I’m not like this! I can’t be like this! It’s you and the stupid things you say and do, they’re- they’re messing with my head!”
“I- you are unbelievable!” Matthew exclaimed “fucking- just- whatever! Fine! Me, my fucking fault, okay? We can forget anything ever happened, and- and just…don’t you dare try anything with me again, alright? I’m not a toy.”
I didn’t even offer a reply, desperate to get as far away from Matthew as I could before the panic I was feeling consumed me.
I managed to make it back to the headquarters, unsure how I’d completed the feat seeing as I could hardly see anything through my haze of tears, before slumping down onto the floor in the hallway, cold sweat running down my body, shaking.
I curled up in the nearest corner, unable to ignore the feeling of a festering in my chest and a buzzing under my skin that wouldn’t go away.
I felt my throat closing up, my breaths coming shallow and fast.
I pressed one hand to my chest as I tried to suck in a breath, head spinning.
I leaned forward over my knees, tears stinging at my eyes as I attempted to suck in another desperate breath, but it was more of a panicked wheeze. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe…