CHAPTER 26
Theo
I came to the conclusion that there was something severely wrong with me.
In what universe did you meet someone’s parent at their house and go off with another person at the pub on the same night?
In an idiot’s universe. In my universe, apparently.
Matthew clocked onto it as soon as I re-emerged from the bathroom after having left him at the bar nursing a beer.
It was worse than the last time. We didn’t argue.
He didn’t say anything at all. But his expression was broken, eyes hard as he tilted his head towards the exit, me following, biting my lip, knowing full well that I’d massively screwed up.
There was silence the whole walk home.
He said nothing.
The silence was worse than the shouting.
“Goodnight.” He muttered once the front door had closed, heading towards the stairs.
“Matt-“
He didn’t give me any time to even finish the sentence, whatever that sentence would have been.
I paused at the bottom of the stairs, debating on the best course of action.
I was grateful his dad and siblings were either asleep or not at home.
Eventually, I followed Matt to his room- though staying at the bottom of the stairs all night seemed closer to what I deserved- not knocking and finding him sitting on the edge of his bed, hands in his hair, breathing shakily. His head jerked up at my arrival.
He looked upset. Really upset. More upset than my fuck up could probably make him.
I searched Matthew’s eyes, unable to ignore the festering concern.
“Do you have something you want to tell me?”
Matthew winced. He shook his head, tears forming in his eyes.
“Matt.” I moved forward, positioning myself between his legs and taking his face between my hands, tilting it upwards “hey. You can talk to me.”
“N-no, I-“
“This isn’t about…what I did.” I mumbled.
Matthew choked on a laugh that wasn’t genuine at all.
“Matt.” I repeated for the umpteenth time “it’s- I meant that it’s more than that.”
More tears cascaded down his face and he leant forward to bury his face in my neck, clutching the back of my hoodie like his life depended on it.
“Okay.” I wasn’t good at comforting. I never had been. I didn’t know what to do. “Can you…please tell me what’s wrong?”
“Y-you hate me.” He hiccuped “you can’t- you don’t-“
“What are you talking about?” I muttered, brows furrowing.
“All I want is for y-you to just- to stop doing it.”
“Doing what, Matt?”
“Going off with other people, you ass.” He sobbed.
I sucked in a breath, heart plummeting, “Matt-“
“You’re not happy with me.” His trembling voice added, thick with emotion “I’m not enough for you. I’m never enough for anyone.”
I winced; it physically pained me that I was the one making him feel like that. It would have hurt less if he’d just punched me.
“I am.” I croaked, pressing a kiss to the top of Matthew’s head “I am happy with you, Matt. I’m just scared.”
He held his arm out. I stared at it blankly, confused.
He waved it. Taking it as a sign to take it, I slowly pushed his sleeve up, brow creasing as I did.
My breath caught in my throat, stomach dropping, nausea surging.
I wouldn’t have been surprised to find that the colour had drained from my face.
“That’s why you were so worried about me?” I whispered, thumb tracing the scars there, some white and faded and others still fresh, raw “is this…is this my fault?”
He shook his head slightly, pressing his face against me harder, hiding it, shivers wracking his frame “s-since my m-mum…”
“Oh, Matt.” I whispered, words catching in my throat, physically in pain for the boy “why- how did I- I should have noticed.”
“Y-you weren’t looking.”
I tilted his face up, wiping his tears with my thumb and kissing him softly, sweetly.
“I’m not- they- I made a mistake,” I croaked, “tonight, in the past. It’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with me not being to accept myself for who I am.
” I admitted, pulling away but staying close, so much so that our lips brushed as I spoke. Saying it felt good. Liberating.
Matthew sniffled.
“I love you.” The words left me in a rush. Matthew froze. I froze with him, lips parting, surprised by my own admission, before I realised just how true those words were and forged on “you. Only you. Don’t- please don’t ever doubt that.”
“I’m tired.” He whispered “o-of feeling like this.”
I kissed him again, then pulled his body against my chest in an embrace that he continued to sob into, dampening my hoodie with his tears “you don’t…I’m here. I’ll always be here. If…if you feel like this-“ I tapped his wrist “-again, then please talk to me first.”
He nodded once.
“I…” I brushed his hair off his forehead “I don’t want you to…
to ever feel like you’re not enough for me, okay?
I don’t deserve you, Matt. I couldn’t…you’re a fucking saint for putting up with- with me.
With my not being able to admit to myself that- that I’m into boys as well as girls and everything that goes with that. ”
Matthew hummed.
“How about this.” I suggested gently “we go to sleep now, you get some rest, and we’ll talk about it in the morning?”
“Okay. Stay?” Matthew croaked, voice cracking.
“Course.”
By the time he’d gotten ready for bed he seemed to have calmed down, red, swollen eyes the only real sign that he’d been crying.
I felt relieved for that. The feeling was quickly followed by an awareness of how cold it was without a shirt, since we hadn’t originally planned to stay the night and hadn’t brought appropriate nightwear- I shivered.
Matthew, extremely fast to pick up on it, wordlessly held out a sweatshirt for me.
“That’s yours.” I pointed out, glancing at him, corner of my mouth quirking upwards in an appreciative smile.
“I’m aware, believe it or not.”
I shrugged, tugging Matthew’s sweatshirt on over my sweatpants and snuggling under the duvet, tugging it up underneath my chin.
“I’m going down for a chamomile.” Matthew said quietly, fidgeting where he stood “do you want one?”
I wanted to kiss him so badly, maybe wipe the desolate expression off his pretty face.
“Can I have some tea?” I asked Matthew, equally as quietly, instead.
“It’ll keep you up.”
“It won’t.” I argued, keeping my tone moderate but rolling my eyes.
“Fine.”
He appeared again, not long after, with two mugs, just as I was starting to doze.
I beamed at him as he slid into the other side of the bed and passed me my mug.
“I feel selfish.” Matthew admitted as I curled into him, assuming my usual position with my head on his chest and pressing a kiss there.
“Why?”
“Because…Stryker’s just lost his dad and he’s having a visibly hard time and my problems aren’t nearly as significant as his right now and-“
“Shut up.” I stopped his word vomit “that’s not how shit works. If you’re feeling bad about something you need to tell someone, not…” I gestured vaguely.
Matthew got the point.
“Plus, just because Stryker’s having a hard time, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have one too.” I added.
Matthew shrugged, not looking convinced.
I glared up at him and bit his ear, hard.
“Ow! Theo!”
“You don’t believe me.”
“I do.” He grunted “you’re right. Sorry.”
I smiled smugly.
“You’re impossible.” Matthew added under his breath.
I gaped and smacked his chest “‘m not impossible. ‘N angel, I am.”
“Sure you are.”
We sat in silence for a few moments, sipping our drinks before I placed my empty mug on the bedside table, shifting and nuzzling my face into the crook of Matthew’s neck.
“Tired?”
“Yeah. You are, too.”
“Hm.”
Matthew fell silent for a few seconds, swallowing nervously.
“I love you too.”
My eyelashes fluttered against the side of his neck. Matthew chewed his lip.
“You love me?” I whispered quietly.
“Course.”
I fell silent for a moment, unmoving. “Yeah, I guess that was kind of a given.”
“Fuck off.”
“Sleep. Feel better in the morning.”
I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I was roused by movement under my head. I blearily blinked my eyes open, rolling away from the warmth encasing me.
“Morning.”
I jerked my head up and was met with Matthew’s soft smile. He was propped up on his elbows, hair frazzled and eyes fatigued.
“How long have you been awake?” I asked through a yawn that I didn’t even bother trying to stifle.
“Dunno. Not long. Figured we’d have to head back soon or they’ll catch us.”
Peeking out of the window, I noted it was still dark outside. I groaned, throwing an arm over my face “fuck. I forgot about that.”
Matthew laughed quietly.
A silence settled between us, heavy with anticipation.
I opened and closed my mouth a few times before deciding to take the plunge “you know…that we won’t be able to come out, right?” I whispered “Stryker’s cool, but-“
“I know. We’d get beaten, locked up, maybe killed.” Matthew licked his lips, rubbing his jaw nervously “that’s not what I’m asking of you.”
“Yeah.” I whispered “I…I’m with you. I won’t cheat again. They’ve got nothing on you, I promise.”
Matthew rolled his eyes fondly “thanks.” He grumbled.
“Can we…this.” I reached over and tapped Matthew’s wrist “can’t…you can’t.”
“I know. I was…I struggle with depression.” He whispered “and…da signed me up because he said that being busy every day would help. He was right for the most part. Sometimes it just…creeps up on me, I guess.”
“Does anyone else know?” I asked in a low voice, beginning to trace his scars with my thumb.
“My family, you, Jack kind of suspects something might be off.”
I nodded slowly “can’t you do anything to help? Antidepressants, slinks?”
“Shrinks.” Matthew corrected with a cackle “and yeah, I could, I just…don’t.”
“Slink sounds better.” I mumbled, pouting, before adding “you should.”
“Can we not?” Matthew sighed “I…”
“Okay.” I nodded once, jaw tightening “think about it though, okay?”
“Hmm.”