Chapter 34 Roxy
Roxy
I am beyond tired of being humiliated in my own home, during my own son’s engagement weekend.
My heart pounds in my chest as I realize I cannot escape what Amelia said.
I feel everyone’s eyes burn into me as they did earlier in the day when Ryan announced he was leaving me.
Now, I see Amelia’s drunken triumph, my son’s confusion. And I see Ryan’s dawning horror.
I should leave the table, but there’s nowhere to go. I know my face is drained of color. I will try one last time to pivot the conversation. Amelia’s drunk. She’s not to be trusted.
“Amelia, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I loved Sunny. We all did. There was no showing her up, only admiring her beauty,” I say, watching Ryan at the other end of the table closely.
He’s clasped his hands in front of him, frozen in his seat.
“You’re drunk. You should sit down before you fall over. ”
“You wish I’d fall over, don’t you?” Amelia says and walks back to her seat.
I stare at her. I wish I had a way to get her out of here, out of this room, out of my life again.
“Zach, Celeste, could you please excuse us? Maybe enjoy your dinner in the kitchen,” Beth says. “I’m sorry, but we need to discuss this audience-free. It’s private. Could you give us the room?”
“Sure, Mom,” Celeste says, standing and hurrying to Zach’s side of the table, taking his hand and leading him away like a pink fairytale princess.
She’s starting to get on my nerves, but I’m not sure why.
Maybe it’s Beth, her seemingly perfect mom, always looking out for the kids.
I suppose she is right. They shouldn’t be in here, not if Amelia goes through with her threat.
I watch the poofy pink princess lead my son away. This isn’t a fairy tale, though. It’s a nightmare. And I don’t know how to make it stop, how to wake up. I look around the table and sink slowly back into my seat in defeat.
“I loved Sunny,” I say. “I did.”
“Uh, huh, so much that you wanted her out of the way,” Amelia says. “You’d better come clean. It’s time.”
“Would you like to explain yourself, Roxy? What did you do to Sunny?” Ryan says. He stares down the table at me with a look that I can only describe as hate. I slump a bit lower in my seat, trying to hide behind the beautiful explosion of flowers that adorn the table. I feel his stare, nonetheless.
“I didn’t do anything, not on purpose,” I say, although that’s a lie.
“Tell us what happened,” Beth says. Her innocent big eyes are driving me insane.
I cannot hold this inside anymore. Everything is ruined anyway.
My husband is leaving me, my college friends aren’t really my friends.
Nothing is real. Nobody is true. I have no choice but to answer Ryan’s question, truthfully.
I deserve it, I suppose. For twenty-five years I’ve been carrying this burden, this secret.
For twenty-five years I’ve paid for my sin, and not just literally in the form of Amelia’s blackmail.
In every part of my life, awake and asleep.
I sit up tall in my seat and face my husband, and the rest of them, my sisters.
“I know you never loved me like you did Sunny,” I say, meeting Ryan’s eyes, “no matter how hard I tried to earn your love, and God knows, I’ve tried. That is the truth.”
I think back to senior year, after Sunny died.
I made sure Ryan had a comforting shoulder to cry on as he navigated his grief the remainder of our senior year.
The night of our graduation, we hung out together, the two of us, missing Sunny.
I did miss her too. Her genuine friendship.
She was the only one who kept us all together, who accepted me for who I was.
When her name was mentioned in a eulogy during our graduation ceremony, I broke down.
We drank too much, trying to forget the pain.
Ryan was so drunk and depressed that he’d succumbed to my advances that night, and we’d had sloppy, quick sex.
He had forgotten to use a condom. I didn’t remind him.
“I always tried to pretend that your proposal of marriage was enthusiastic, heartfelt,” I say as tears roll down my cheeks.
“But I know it was only because I told you I was pregnant a few weeks after graduation night. You never loved me, as much as I pretended that you did. You loved Sunny, and now you love Zach. But that’s all. ”
Ryan stares at me across the vibrantly decorated table, the bright colors at odds with the darkness outside, the darkness of the moment, the deathly silence at the table. He doesn’t offer up a word of denial.
“Roxy, would you like to come with me, take a break? I can walk you to your room,” Jamie says, patting my hand. “I think we’ve all had about as much as we can handle for tonight.”
“Oh, please, Jamie, don’t tell me you’re falling for those crocodile tears,” Amelia says, her eyes flashing with glee. “Trust me, you won’t want to escort Roxy anywhere after you hear what she did. You might as well tell them everything, Roxy. If you don’t, I promise I will.”
I’ve never hated her more than at this moment.
That’s why I didn’t invite her here in the first place.
I knew she would try to ruin everything.
Her red hair is garish. She is the devil in the room.
I look down at my hands clasped in my lap.
I don’t have a choice. Amelia has threatened to reveal everything, and I have no doubt she will.
I know there is nothing I can do or say to salvage either the weekend or my marriage, so, what the hell. Why not tell the truth?
“I’m fine, Jamie. Thank you for caring about me, but Amelia’s right.
You won’t want to be my friend after I tell you what I’ve done,” I say.
I take a deep breath and meet Ryan’s eyes again.
“It wasn’t a coincidence that Sunny was too tired to party with us that last night of spring break.
It was by design—my design. I wanted to seduce you, to get you alone for the night and show you what you’d been missing, so… I roofied Sunny.”
“What the fuck?” Ryan explodes and stands up, banging the table with his fists. “You drugged her?”
“I did. Because Sunny had you, and I wanted you. I wanted to take you from her,” I say. “I am what Amelia says I am. I like to show others up. Always have. Sunny had something I wanted, and I decided to take it. Take you.”
“How did you do this? How could you do this?” Beth says, her voice wobbling with emotion.
“I slipped the roofies in a margarita I brought to her room under the guise of pregaming,” I say.
I cannot look up. I place my hands on the table in front of me, staring at my wedding ring.
The ring I shouldn’t have on and won’t be wearing much longer.
Everything in my life is about to be over.
I look up, look into Ryan’s eyes. “After she passed out, I texted Ryan from her phone that she was taking a nap. That was true, I suppose.”
“Oh my God,” Ryan says, his eyes flashing in rage. I’ve never seen him this angry. It’s a little scary. And sadly, it’s more emotion than he’s ever shown in all the years of our marriage.
“And that’s why Sunny died,” Amelia says, holding up her hands to stop me from talking. “Let’s connect the dots, shall we, Roxy? You roofie Sunny, she passes out, she wakes up sometime in the middle of the night, disoriented, alone, left the room, and wound up dead in the pool.”
Ryan stands at the end of the table, hands clenched in fists.
Staring at me with all the hate in the world.
“You really are a monster. You’ve been controlling me and ruining my life since the day Sunny died.
How could you? You destroyed everything that was good.
You saw it and you tried to take it, as if you could remanufacture it between you and me.
But you are no Sunny, Roxy. You are the opposite of everything she was. ”