CHAPTER 7
THEN
DAPHNE – Age 13
I kill time dancing through the halls of my best friend’s house, waiting for her to get home. I beat her and her mom here, but I have my own code to their house. Her mom created one for me a couple years ago with strict instruction that I was to come and go as I please.
Shannon Conners is an angel sent straight from God.
I’ve spent many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering why I couldn’t have been born to someone like her. Wondering what makes me less deserving of love than others.
It’s a question I’ve asked over and over again, one I’ve had to accept I’ll never receive an answer to. And so, I’m left to speculate, spending hours dwelling on which of my many flaws is the reason I’ve been deemed less than worthy by the one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally.
If my mother cared enough to put me in therapy, the cost of my treatment could probably keep someone’s practice afloat.
The song blasting through my earbuds comes to an end, shifting to the next. Taylor’s voice flows through me, and I slide into the kitchen as she sings the familiar lyrics about the boy she knows to be trouble from the moment she laid eyes on him.
I Knew You Were Trouble (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift (Spotify)
I Knew You Were Trouble (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift (Apple Music)
Bouncing along to the beat, I make my way over to the snack cabinet, where I peruse the goldmine of munchies Shannon always keeps stocked for us. My eyes land on the bag of Nerds Gummy Clusters, and I snatch it up just as the chorus drops. I spin, eyes closed as I lose myself to the music, belting out the words while dancing around the oversized center island. Sliding to a stop, I clutch my imaginary microphone and sing into my fist.
The melody builds, and I freeze, sucking in a breath as I prepare to crush this last chorus. Twirling, I slam face first into a solid wall of muscled torso.
“Jesus!” I shriek, jumping back at the sight of Nicky’s amused smirk. My best friend’s brother stands before me in nothing more than a pair of gray sweats hanging low on his waist. Good God, his body defies the law of physics. Nobody should look this good at sixteen.
Nicky’s hand travels up, plucking one of the headphones from my ears and holding it to his own. His smile starts to slip, but he catches it, recovering quickly.
“Really, Daph?” He cocks a brow. “I didn’t take you for a Swiftie.”
“Hey!” I snatch the bud from his grasp. “Don’t insult the queen. Woman’s an icon.”
He snorts, tossing his hands up in surrender. “If you say so.” His eyes track me as I locate my phone on the countertop, exiting out of Spotify before returning my earbuds to their carrying case. “Is there a reason you’re here bugging me when my sister isn’t even home?”
“I’m meeting her here, jerk. Contrary to what people let you believe, not everything revolves around you.”
“Oooo. Someone’s feeling snarky today.” Nicky reaches around me, never breaking eye contact as he retrieves the candy bag from the counter at my back. Popping a handful of clusters in his mouth, he waggles his eyebrows at me.
Nicky’s never pulled punches when it comes to letting me know just how annoying I am. Over the years, I’ve gotten pretty good at dishing it back at him. This has become pretty standard banter for us, though I would prefer if he was fully clothed when we did it. It makes it a little easier to ignore the somersaults my stomach does whenever he’s near.
“Where is my sister, anyway?”
“With your mom.” I snatch the bag back from his grasp, peeking in to see he’s eaten all but three. Tipping the bag into my mouth, I polish off the last of them before tossing the empty contents in the trash.
“Classy,” he deadpans.
I’m just about to shoot back a retort when the slapping of flip flops echoes throughout the space. I peer around him to be met with the sight of a leggy blonde sporting denim cutoffs and a bubblegum pink crop top. She quickly scans me, not bothering to hide her evident distaste for my presence before her face morphs into a menacing smirk.
Shit. Catalina Holbreck. Her younger brother, Linus, is in my grade. Though lately, I’ve been more familiar with her older brother, Colton. If the rumors are even half true, she’s just as mean as she is pretty.
“Well, well, well…” Catalina eyes me on her approach, her fingers trailing up Nicky’s back and coming to rest on his shoulder. “I was wondering what was keeping you. I didn’t realize you had to babysit today. Set her up in the living room with cartoons and come back upstairs for round two.”
A wave of nausea hits, threatening to drag me under, and I suddenly can’t flee the room fast enough. “No babysitter needed.” I start to back away. “I’m more than capable of tending to myself.”
“Are you?” she snarks. “I don’t know, Nick. Is the house babyproofed? Does the medicine all have childproof caps?” She arches a judgmental brow, causing my feet to freeze at her implication.
No. No. No. Colton, you dick!
“You need to go.” Nicky’s voice is hard, his words stabbing clear through my heart. Oh God, she told him. She knows, and she told him. And to think I was more worried about Colton spilling the beans to Rico, given they’re on the soccer team together.
“Yeah.” Catalina giggles as she flutters her fingers at me. “Run along.”
“Not her,” Nicky asserts. He stares at me a moment longer before his angry gaze sweeps toward the smug-looking cheerleader on his left. “You. Out.”
Her head whips to the side, her mouth falling open with shock. “Excuse me?!”
“You heard me. Get. The fuck. Out.”
“Nicky, I—”
“OUT!” he roars, shoving her off him.
A violent tremor surges through her, her eyes wide with fear as she bolts past me out of the kitchen. The sound of her retreating footsteps speed down the hallway before the slamming of the front door echoes throughout the house.
My head whips back and forth, swiveling between the entryway and the boy before me, as I try to figure out what the heck just happened. When my gaze finally comes to rest solely on him, I find his back turned to me. The muscles in his broad shoulders are tensed, and I mentally trace them down through the length of his forearms to find him gripping the counter’s edge.
The anger still radiates from him in waves, cautioning me to keep my distance, though somehow having the opposite effect. I step closer, the shrinking space between us allowing me to become aware of his low murmurs. The words become clear, but they don’t make much sense.
“The hard marble… soft rug beneath my feet…”
What the—?
“…Hum of the AC…”
“Nicky?” I press my hand to his back when I reach him, and he jumps in response. Nicky spins, his eyes locking with mine.
“Emeralds,” he whispers. “The brightest emeralds.”
“Are you okay?”
Recognition sparks within him, as though he’s waking up from a dream, and he shakes free of whatever trance is holding him hostage.
“I’m fine.” He pulls away.
“You didn’t need to do that.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Nicky assures me, his demeanor much calmer than only seconds before. “We were finished. No reason for her to stick around.”
“Ugh.” My nose wrinkles in disgust. “I hope you’re wrapping it. Wouldn’t want it to fall off.”
“And just what would you know about that?” His gaze narrows.
“I’m not a child, Nicky.”
A storm crosses his features, darkening his expression. “That statement better not mean what I think it means.”
“Why do you even care?” I challenge, my heart fluttering at the possibility that Nicky Conners could be angry at the thought of me with a guy.
“You’re J’s best friend, Daph. I don’t need my baby sister hanging around with someone who promotes that kind of behavior.”
Of course, he’s worried about his sister. Duh. In what world could I possibly have thought that was about me?
“Don’t worry. Any understanding I have is not from actual life experience.” The tension in Nicky’s shoulders visibly lessens, and I feel compelled to offer additional assurances. “I’ll have you know, though, your sister is not a follower. She may be younger than me, but she’s the best role model I could ask for, Nick.”
His scowl gives way to a small smile, the sight of him inspiring me to return the gesture. Nicky’s beautiful in every form, but the love that shines in his eyes when it comes to J lights him up in a way like no other. I could stare at this boy forever.
Then it hits me that I’m probably staring at him exactly like that right now. My cheeks heat with embarrassment, and I turn to escape the shared space that’s suddenly become all too suffocating.
“Daphne!” Nicky calls out unexpectedly.
I jump, awkwardly spinning and cracking my elbow into the doorframe. A sharp pain ricochets through my funny bone and I bite down on my lip to stifle a groan.
Geez, that hurt.
Nicky’s at least kind enough not to call out my ridiculous display of poor coordination, though a slight chuckle does manage to escape him.
Leaning back against the counter, he tilts his head playfully to the side. “You busy?”
***
I shriek, clutching onto Nicky with an iron grip as the bike skids to a stop in front of the house. He pats the outside of my thigh, signaling me to hop off. I do so, pulling the helmet from my head and shaking out my hair.
Nicky follows suit, laughing as he removes his mud-soaked shirt.
“I cannot believe you drove us through that mud pit!” I glance down at the thick layer of dried dirt caked all over my legs.
“Oh, come on. You loved it.”
“It was fun,” I agree. “It would have still been fun without the grime.”
“Eh.” He scrubs a hand over his unruly blond hair several times. “Agree to disagree.”
His smile is blinding, the bright white of his teeth a stark contrast to his dirt-streaked skin. He’s beautiful.
“That’s a good look for you, Conners.”
“What? Dirty?”
I reach up, my index finger poking him in the dimple of his right cheek. “Happy.”
His smile shrinks the slightest bit, losing some of its shine. “Do I normally come across as sad?”
“Not particularly, but when you’re on a bike… I don’t know. Your smile. It’s—”
“Bigger?”
“Genuine.” The word slips out before I’m able to stop it, and I instantly wish I could take it back. He flinches, the movement so subtle I barely catch it, but I know it’s a direct hit to the armor he’s carefully crafted to protect himself.
Nicky walks around like this carefree bad boy, and in some ways he may be. But I see the other stuff, too. The part of him he tries to hide behind his smiles and sarcasm.
I see the emptiness in his eyes.
His frustrations with the world and everyone around him.
How he’s running on close to empty from the part he feels forced to play.
How do you spot the broken people? Everybody’s always so worried about the quiet kids. The ones who dress in all black and sit alone at lunch because they don’t buy into this social hierarchy crap.
No one ever thinks to check in on the golden boy. Why would you, with a smile so big and beautiful? But no one seems to notice its sole purpose, which is to distract from the darkness inside.
He’s hiding in plain sight—just like me. And I may as well have just shined a spotlight on him.
I’m an idiot.
Realizing I probably only have seconds before he dismisses my stupid ass, I figure I may as well go for gold. Nicky and I rarely ever get moments alone, and to not ask at this point seems like an opportunity wasted. “Why do you love this sport so much, Nick?”
Nicky looks down, volleying his helmet between his palms before hanging it off the handlebar of his bike. “I need it,” he responds, the sincerity of his answer catching me off guard. “Not necessarily the sport itself, but the rush. The adrenaline. It’s the only way I feel alive.”
I nod, still somewhat shocked at his sudden openness with me, and I feel a need to offer up something to him in return.
“It’s ironic.” My hand slaps his helmet, coming to rest upon it. “You do stupid stuff to feel alive. I do stupid stuff to feel nothing at all.”
“Daph,” Nicky whispers, his low voice drawing my attention up to his pity-filled gaze. The look in his eyes fills me with shame, making me feel pathetic in every sense of the word. At best, he must think me an ungrateful, attention-seeking brat. At worst, a depressed mental case. Desperate to do some form of damage control, I scramble to brush the whole conversation off.
“Wow, do you hear me?” I force a laugh. “Don’t I sound like your stereotypical melodramatic teenager? My parents give me a life most kids would dream of, and I’m bitching because they’re too busy to pick up when I call.” Shaking my head, I offer a dismissive wave of my hand. “Ignore me.”
The edges of Nicky’s face are suddenly sharp, with any former signs of softness toward me now having vanished. “That dig Catalina made before. What did she—”
“There you are!” The front door swings open as we’re greeted with the shrieks of my best friend. “Oh my God! You’re both filthy!” Jonsie doubles over, her laughter quickly bordering on hysterics.
Plastering a wide smile across my face, I bound up the stairs, eager to flee this conversation. One where I’m scared he’s about to tell me I can’t spend time with Jonsie anymore. The sheer thought of not being able to see her makes me sick to my stomach.
Jones overlaps her fingers in the shape of a cross, holding them out in front of her. “Nu-uh. Stay back. I already showered this morning.”
I swat at her, her laughter only becoming more boisterous in response.
“You got clothes for me?”
“You know it.” She gestures inside with a tip of her head.
I glance over my shoulder to find Nick staring at me with an unreadable expression. It physically hurts, knowing the peek he allowed me today inside his walls is most likely the only one I’ll ever get. Nonetheless, it’s one I’ll cherish forever.
“Thank you, Nicky.” I catch sight of Jones’s confused expression in my periphery, and I rush to elaborate. “For the ride.”
I start to scurry inside when my name gives me pause. “Daph!”
I freeze, risking a glance over my shoulder. Nicky hasn’t moved. His Adam’s apple bobs on a swallow, and I can tell he wants to finish the question he was in the process of asking when we were interrupted. He doesn’t, though. Instead, his next words take me completely by surprise.
“I’ll always pick up.”