Chapter 9 #4
Picking up a couple of empty glasses and a bag of crisps that contained only remaining crumbs, Joshua slid off the sofa, leaving the others to dissect all the things that had gone wrong with the match.
The kitchen was dark and silent, and he didn’t bother flicking on the light as he crossed over to the sink.
When he’d gone out to confront Leo, there’d been a mild, alcohol-induced glow around everything.
It had long since evaporated. Now he just felt tired and confused, even more so than before.
“Joshua,” Nate said from behind him, and Joshua startled, jolting around. Outlined by the brightness falling in from the corridor, Nate was reduced to a silhouette.
Joshua consciously loosened his posture and went for a light tone. “Didn’t hear you approach, sorry. Can I get you something?”
“Actually, I just wanted to have a brief word with you.” Nate sounded distinctly uncomfortable, but also determined. He took a step into the kitchen so that they were both cast in shadows.
“A word about what?” Joshua asked, but really, he already knew. Under the pretence of switching on the fairy lights above the work surface, he averted his face.
“About Leo,” Nate said, still in that decidedly firm tone. “Because I think—just please don’t be…” He broke off and sighed. When he spoke again, it was softer. “You should give him a chance to explain. He really cares about you, you know?”
He really cares about you.
Joshua shook his head to clear the fog in his brain. No, it wasn’t that easy. If Leo really did care, he didn’t care enough. Not if tired excuses were all he ever offered. He’d had about seven hundred chances to explain, and he’d only ever pushed Joshua away.
Turning, Joshua leaned back against the work surface and met Nate’s eyes. “He’s had that chance. He didn’t take it.”
The dim glow of the fairy lights was enough to reveal the flash of unease that crossed Nate’s face.
He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck.
“Look, it’s complicated. I know he can be a bit of a dick, but he’s also—he’s a good person, and he’s loyal, and he’s trying, okay?
And he’s opened up so much already, and you’re a big part of that.
Like, he took you to see his work with those kids, Joshua.
Do you even realise how personal that is to him? ”
Joshua took a moment to process the words, a tangled string of personal and you’re a big part of that and he’s trying reverberating in his head. He inhaled slowly. “Are you saying that… You’re telling me that even you don’t know the full story? Like, his past? Is that really—Jesus.”
“It’s complicated,” Nate repeated, and really, was it? It didn’t seem particularly complicated to Joshua.
“Remember when Leo told me that I was hiding behind a pretty lie to make my life easier?” Joshua’s voice came out harsher than he’d intended, and he caught the way Nate flinched.
He continued regardless. “Well, who’s hiding now?
And don’t tell me he’s protecting me, because I’m quite certain he’s only protecting himself. ”
Nate’s forehead creased into unhappy lines. “It’s not that easy. He’s been living like this for years—”
Joshua cut in with, “You say that like I don’t know what it’s like.”
“I’m not sure you do,” Nate said gently.
“There’s a difference between being closeted and being…
Doing what we do. Those of us working for James, I mean.
We’re not just hiding one aspect of our lives, you know, but…
much more. Generally speaking. Like, big things, from what I know or suspect about the others.
So I don’t think it’s quite the same.” His frown deepened, and Joshua exhaled in a rush, contrite.
They were both quiet for a moment, Nate with his gaze fixed on the floor, clearly uncomfortable.
It was Joshua who ended the silence with a low, “I’m sorry, Nate. It’s not you I’m angry with. I know you’re just being a good friend, and I appreciate that.”
Nate replied with a slight delay, worry still plain on his face. “Please just try not to… Don’t judge him too harshly. Don’t break his heart. Please?”
Don’t break his heart.
Joshua blinked, blinked again, his heart in his throat because—what. That was a lot more than he cares about you, far more than you do want me. Did that mean… But no. Surely not. Leo cared, yes. But if he’d been in love with Joshua, in actual love, he would have stayed.
Or not? Could he be in love with Joshua and still falter at the thought of what a relationship would entail?
At the sheer amount of baggage that would come with being Joshua’s partner?
And, oh. Wasn’t that just what Joshua had always feared?
With a start, he remembered his own words from what seemed like years ago, from the first time Leo had been to this very flat and Joshua had dumped his own bitter fears and doubts on him without warning.
Show me the guy who’ll stick around once the media calls on the hunt.
But Leo was a fighter. He wouldn’t give up that easily. Or would he?
Show me the guy who loves me enough.
“Nate,” Joshua began, and then Mo ambled into the kitchen. Nate immediately turned to look at him, frown melting away to make room for a smile that seemed like an automatic reaction to Mo’s presence. There was a strange tilt to it though, something almost like guilt.
“Everything all right?” Mo asked, glancing back and forth between them.
It took Joshua a second to pull himself together. He nodded at Mo and waited for Nate to do the same. Instead, Nate lifted one shoulder by an inch and met Mo’s gaze, appearing at a strange loss.
Mo narrowed his eyes. “Nate?”
Another second passed, then Nate swallowed. His gaze was fixed on Mo, and Joshua felt as though he was intruding on something private.
“Can we…” Nate wet his lips and started anew, looking straight at Mo. “Can we talk? I think, maybe, there’s a few things you should know.”
“Sure, yeah. Whenever you’re ready, babe.” Mo’s voice was even, and if he was surprised, he didn’t show it. Joshua remembered their conversation about this precise thing, Mo’s remark that yes, he was aware that Nate was holding back some things about his past.
Well, at least Mo might be getting truths tonight. He deserved it; both Mo and Nate deserved it. Still Joshua couldn’t fully suppress the bitterness that coloured the thought.
“Guest room is all yours,” he told them. “And a bottle of red wine, if you want it. I’ll be…” He made a vague gesture towards the living room and went to move past Mo, but was stopped by a light touch to his hip.
“Hey,” Mo said softly. “Talk tomorrow?”
Joshua took a deep breath and relaxed, just slightly. He leaned in to kiss Mo’s cheek, then shot Nate something that he hoped would pass for a smile. “Treat him well, will you?”
The surprise on Nate’s face lingered for only a moment, then his expression shifted into one of hope. “I’ll do my best,” he said.
“I can hear you guys, you know,” Mo put in.
Joshua pinched Mo’s hip, nodded at Nate and left the kitchen to give them some space.
He rejoined Tristan and Ed, draping himself over both of them to demand cuddles, but even as he closed his eyes and sank into the familiarity of their closeness, his mind was churning, chasing questions from one side of his skull to the other.
A guy like me doesn’t get to keep a guy like you.
Kelsey had arrived some time after the game, drunk and giggly from a football night with her best friends. Joshua had told her and Tristan to kip in his bedroom—“Door stays open, no funny business in my bed”—and had agreed to share the sofa with Ed.
It was almost like old times. Joshua had caught Ed performing purely by chance in some London bar, one of those glorious nights when Joshua had been fortunate and no one had leaked his location, back before PrinceWatch had dug its claws into him.
Ed had captivated every single person in the room with nothing but his voice and his guitar, with songs that felt like small revelations.
When Joshua had approached him afterwards, Ed had taken one look at him, then given an incredulous laugh and asked, “Shit, am I expected to curtsy now? Think I might topple over if I try, mate. Not the most coordinated in general, and they pay me in drinks here.”
They’d spent the rest of the night talking and drinking, and a few days later, Ed had shown up on Joshua’s doorstep with a hopeful grin and a knapsack.
Since Joshua’s previous flat had come without a guest room, Ed had camped out on Joshua’s sofa for a fortnight, and Joshua had learned a lot about life and dedication in those two weeks.
“You trust too easily,” Ed had told him three days in. Joshua had shrugged and grinned.
“I wasn’t wrong about you, was I?”
Unfortunately, nostalgia didn’t make for comfortable sleep. It had looked too much like rain to use the bed outside, and while the sofa in the living room made a generous bed for one person, it was crowded for two. When Joshua woke for the third time from nearly tumbling to the floor, he gave up.
Leaving Ed to slumber in peace, he grabbed his tablet and padded outside.
The morning sky was still overcast, grey light blanketing the city and everything quiet when Joshua sat down on the sofa bed and huddled under the afghan to ward off the chill.
Unlocking the tablet, he told himself this was a bad idea. An invasion of Leo’s privacy.
A guy like me.
Screw this. Really, just… God, Joshua was so bloody tired of Leo’s cryptic clues. Why could Nate open up, but Leo couldn’t? If Leo didn’t trust Joshua at all—well, then what did he have to lose? Nothing. There was absolutely nothing to lose.
Joshua navigated to Google, typed in Leo’s name, and waited for the results to load.