Chapter 10
TEN
Some minutes into the drive back from Leo’s place, Joshua had tried to shove everything away and blank out completely.
While the motions of the car had helped slow down his spinning thoughts, they’d still sparked and sizzled behind his closed lids.
When the car pulled to a halt and the engine shut off, Joshua blinked his eyes open, the sudden sense of vertigo like a punch to his sternum.
“We’re here,” Zach told him, tone gentle.
Inhaling deeply, Joshua looked up at his flat.
Through the car’s tinted windowpane the world took on a grey hue, sad and tired.
God, he couldn’t go up there. Right now, just the idea of facing his empty flat, littered with tiny traces of Leo’s presence—no.
This was too close, too personal for Joshua to see clearly. He couldn’t do this alone.
Sinking back into the upholstery, Joshua fought to control the disorientation weighing him down. “Sorry, I should have…” Shaking his head, he slid down further. “Can you take me to Tristan’s instead? Please.”
“Of course,” Zach said smoothly. A moment passed before he added, careful, “Are you all right, Joshua?”
Not even a little.
Joshua dragged up a smile and hoped it didn’t look like quite as much of a grimace as it felt. “I’ll be fine. Thank you.”
With that, he closed his eyes again and waited for the rumble of the engine, thrumming in his blood and in his bones.
It wasn’t a long drive, Tristan and Kelsey having moved into a flat near Hyde Park a couple of months ago, but it felt as though time was elastic. Ten minutes stretched to twice their usual length. When Zach informed him they’d arrived, Joshua managed another smile.
He let a group of tourists pass before he scrambled out of the car and told Zach he’d call once he was ready to go back.
Or maybe he’d just call a taxi. At some point, he’d have to stop hiding from the world—especially now that he, Mo and Tristan had booked flights to Brazil for next Saturday in time for the third England match.
George was supposed to leak the news of Joshua’s planned attendance tomorrow, giving them a chance to assess reactions.
It would be good to get out of London for a bit.
Joshua hunched into himself as he rang the bell, his back to the street, glancing up at the security camera above the door.
It was Kelsey’s voice that came through the intercom, a hint of laughter in her words.
“Didn’t we just leave your flat, J? Mo might be on to something with that co-dependency thing, you know. ”
For the first time, it occurred to Joshua that he should have called ahead; work had kept Kelsey out of the country a fair amount recently and she couldn’t make it to Brazil either, so Joshua taking away from the time she and Tristan got to spend together… Selfish.
“I’m so sorry, Kels. I didn’t mean—I need to talk to Tristan, but if this is a bad time…”
“Shut it,” she told him. “You’re always welcome here, you know that. Come on in.”
The buzzer sounded a moment later and Joshua stepped into the building, already breathing a little more easily.
They were on the ground floor, Kelsey awaiting him in the doorway and pulling him into a tight hug as soon as she’d taken one look at him.
She must have come straight from the shower, wearing a bathrobe with her hair hidden under a towel turban.
Tristan appeared behind her a moment later, still drying off.
Shit. Joshua really shouldn’t have barged in on them like this.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, and Tristan gave him a light shove.
“Shut it,” he said, just like Kelsey had. “You look like shit, mate. Do we need hard alcohol, or will beer do?”
“Vodka straight from the bottle?” Joshua asked, turning into Tristan’s embrace while Kelsey patted him on the back and retreated with a warm, “Be good, boys.”
Tristan tugged Joshua further into the flat, towards the spacious kitchen that faced their garden.
He pushed Joshua to sit down on the bench that dominated one corner of the room, then slammed two glasses on the table, grabbed vodka and orange juice, and told Joshua to prepare their drinks while he went to pull on some clothes.
Joshua did as he’d been told, adding just a dash of vodka to the juice. His fingers weren’t entirely steady.
Sliding onto the bench beside Joshua, Tristan picked up one glass and clinked it against Joshua’s before taking a small sip. “All right,” he said quietly, studying Joshua’s face. “So what’s wrong? You’re scaring me here.”
What was wrong? What wasn’t wrong?
Joshua gulped down some juice to buy himself a few moments. Distantly, he caught snatches of music from where Kelsey must have turned on the stereo, singing along in an exaggerated pitch that carried over the noise of her hair-dryer.
“Did you ever wonder…” Joshua set his glass down and rested both elbows on the table.
Lead clung to the tips of his thoughts and made them sluggish, lethargic.
His voice came out in a drawl. “Like, with Kels being who she is, doing what she does—that there are, like, other men staring at pictures of her body. Doesn’t that ever bother you? ”
Tristan was quiet for a moment before he raised his glass again. “They get pictures,” he said around the rim. “Sure. But I get the real thing, and her body is only a small part of the package.”
“But what if she took it a step further? What if… I mean, in the past, maybe.” Shaking his head, Joshua tried to sort through the messy tangle in his brain. “What if there’d been guys touching her for money? How would you—”
He didn’t get further than that, was cut off by Tristan clasping his shoulder in a harsh grip.
“Joshua.” Tristan’s voice had gained a rare edge of steel.
“I love you dearly. But right now, I need you to shut your stupid trap and understand that you just likened my girlfriend to a prostitute.” He let go of Joshua’s shoulder and leaned back, frowning.
“If it had been anyone but you, I’d have punched them. Jury’s still out.”
Joshua stared at him, then swallowed. Shit, he hadn’t meant—it had made sense in his head, the leap, but Tristan’s reaction… Joshua wondered how often Tristan had dealt with similar comments made by people who didn’t know Kelsey at all.
“I’m sorry,” Joshua said softly. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, just… something about how her body is sort of… her capital? Not in a bad way. It just is.”
Briefly, Tristan considered it. “But she’s in full control, you know?
They can look, yeah, but they can’t touch.
Touching belongs to me—and it’s only because she gave me that right.
Willingly, freely, and because she loves me.
” He raised his brows. “So it’s the furthest bloody thing from a business transaction. Get it?”
“But if she had done that in the past…” Oh, for heaven’s sake, what was Joshua even doing?
He was probably digging himself into a ditch.
At the same time, he had to know. He couldn’t work this out by himself, needed to put his thoughts out there, bring them into a semblance of order.
“Like, if there had been business transactions. At some point. Could you tolerate that? Could you still respect her? Love her?”
It took a moment, then Tristan’s frown cleared, a newfound understanding in his eyes. His tone became gentle. “Is this about Leo?”
Joshua stilled, his thoughts tripping to a halt.
This wasn’t—he couldn’t tell Tristan, could he?
Only he had to tell someone, and Tristan wouldn’t tell a soul, and…
Jesus, Joshua needed him. With a sigh, Joshua picked up his glass and stared into the yellow concoction. “How did you know this is about Leo?”
“Because you’re completely out of it.” Tristan slid a little closer on the bench, enough for their knees to knock together. “And because you’re asking me questions about love and respect and relationships. Of course it’s about Leo.”
He made it sound like an obvious truth, and that made something ugly twist through Joshua’s stomach, something that felt a lot like desperation.
Sucking in a sharp breath, Joshua ducked his head and kept his voice quiet.
“This isn’t, like… You can’t tell him I told you, okay?
It’s not my secret to share, but it’s also…
” He broke off, words lodged sideways in his throat, and finished with a whispered, “Fuck.”
Tristan slung an arm around Joshua’s waist and pulled him in, almost making him spill some of his drink. Joshua set the glass down and rested his head on Tristan’s shoulder.
They sat like that for a moment before Tristan spoke up. “You need to talk to someone. And I’m the one who’s in a scandalous relationship, so I come with relevant experience.”
“I need to talk to a friend,” Joshua corrected. “And you’re in a loving relationship, so you come with relevant experience.”
Tristan pressed a smile against Joshua’s cheek. “All right. Let’s have it, then.”
Right, where to even start? Tucking himself further into Tristan’s side, Joshua took a sip of his spiked juice before he began slowly, a little unsteadily. “So I just learned—I went to see Leo just before I came here. And he lived on the streets for a while. Born a noble, went to Eton with us.”
“Shit, really?” Surprise plain in his tone, Tristan’s arm tightened around Joshua’s waist.
“Yes, really. Couple of years above us. He was on the football team, actually.” Joshua took a measured breath. “Anyway, his parents… I guess they kicked him out, pretty much, when they learned he was gay. And then he lived on the streets.”
“Holy fuck. Must have been tough.” There was no judgment in Tristan’s voice, just concern. Joshua closed his eyes and took a moment to weigh his next words, speaking quietly, only just loud enough to translate over the music in the background.