Chapter 10 #7
He’d pushed the words out, and as soon as he was done it felt like his ribcage was collapsing in on itself. He kept walking, staring straight ahead, and didn’t stop until Nate drew him to halt. His hand was warm on Leo’s shoulder. “Leo,” he said, so very gentle.
When he pulled Leo into an embrace, Leo stumbled before he sank into it. Nose tucked into Nate’s T-shirt, he took what might have been his first real breath in hours.
They must have looked a right mess, clinging to each other in the middle of a stream of pedestrians, but Leo couldn’t bring himself to care even a little.
Oh God. Oh God. He’d—Nate knew. Leo had told him, and Nate hadn’t cringed away.
Lifting his head to gauge Nate’s expression, Leo found mainly sadness in his gaze, only the tiniest hint of pity.
Leo wiped a hand over his eyes and tried for a faint smile, stepping back. “So,” he managed, his voice as unreliable as his sense of balance. “That’s it, I guess. That’s me.”
“It’s not you,” Nate protested immediately. “It’s just… one piece of you. It’s not you.”
Nate’s hand was a welcome, steadying pressure on Leo’s shoulder.
Leo glanced around, found no one paying them any attention, and while his heart was still thrumming against his ribs, it wasn’t quite as urgent anymore.
Like coming down after a mad dash from the police, or a breathless orgasm that had shaken him up from the inside, like breaking open.
The kind he’d experienced only twice in his life.
Nate came to lean next to Leo, close enough that their arms brushed together. His question was low. “Does Joshua know?”
“No.” Leo’s breath stuttered in his throat, and he swallowed around empty air. “He’d think less of me. Even if he didn’t… I can’t be with him, so what’s the point?”
“What’s the point? What do you mean, ‘what’s the point?
’” Nate sounded incredulous. When Leo glanced over, he found Nate watching him with a frown, starkly outlined by the bright sun.
“The point,” Nate said, before Leo could think to interrupt, “is that you’re in love with him. And I’m pretty sure it’s mutual.”
Leo’s shrug turned out helpless, and he managed to hold Nate’s gaze for only a short moment. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Look, mate.” Nate sighed, nudging their shoulders together.
“I love you to bits, all right? But remember when you called him a coward for, like, taking the easy way out, going with the status quo? For not being honest? Remember how you thought he should risk it? How it was worth it, taking a shot at something more?” He paused just long enough for Leo to catch up with the rapid-fire questions.
“Practise what you preach, L. You’re my best mate, but you’re a bit of a hypocrite about this.
You’re hiding from him when he’s been nothing but honest.”
A hypocrite. Joshua had called Leo just that, open disappointment woven into each syllable, but it wasn’t fucking true. It wasn’t. Not when Leo was doing this for Joshua just as much as for himself.
He tensed up, shifting away. “I’m protecting him,” he said sharply.
“It’s not just about… I mean, yeah, it’s bloody scary to think that if I was his boyfriend, I’d have cameras following my every step.
But it’s also—more than that. If he wanted to try, with me?
He could suffer for it. The media would—”
“That’s not your call,” Nate cut into Leo’s words. “Jesus, mate. You can’t just make the decision for him. You know he’d hate that, and it’s not—I think you’re not giving him enough credit here.”
Something in Leo’s chest stuttered to a sudden halt then sped up again, a nauseating change of pace. His stomach felt hollowed out from the inside. Not your call.
“I’m…” he began, then didn’t know how to continue.
You can’t just make the decision for him. He’d hate that.
“Leo.” Nate straightened and stepped in front of Leo, studying him with a mix of concern and disapproval. “I’m serious, yeah? The guy is in love with you, and if you let him slip away…” He shook his head, voice much lower as he added, “You deserve to be happy.”
Joshua makes me happy, Leo thought, and while he choked the words back down, he couldn’t unthink them.
They resounded in his mind, got tangled up in Joshua’s, “Just happy” when Leo had asked why Joshua had been laughing that night.
Fuck, Joshua had still looked happy the morning after, ambling into the kitchen naked and bright-eyed—until Leo had stamped out that happiness.
Had trampled all over it.
Maybe it had been about himself once, but this wasn’t just about him anymore. It was about Joshua. God, how had Leo believed that he was protecting him when all he’d ever done was hurt him? If Joshua didn’t want Leo after learning the truth—then at least he had given him a choice.
Nate was still talking, something about how things could absolutely work out, hey, remember we handle potential scandals for a living, but it didn’t really make it through the rush in Leo’s ears.
With his heart giving a violent lurch, Leo gripped Nate’s shoulder to steady himself. “Fuck,” he whispered. “Fuck. Nate, I—”
Nate pulled him into another hug before Leo could finish the thought.