Chapter 11 #5
To distract himself, Leo took a quick sip of his tea, coughing as he inhaled some steam.
He set the cup aside and used it as an excuse to turn away so he wouldn’t have to say this and see the warmth fade from Joshua’s face.
“So the thing is that I—I was young and naive, had no idea where to turn, you know? So I slept with guys. For money.” Oh God.
Oh God. Intestines twisting, Leo pushed on.
“It wasn’t a big plan, nothing like that, but the first time just somehow happened, like…
I’d only wanted a place to sleep for the night, and instead I was handed some money and kicked back outside, and—it made sense, after that.
It wasn’t too bad. It was money, straight-up cash that could buy me food, or a new pair of winter boots or a sleeping bag.
I didn’t need references I didn’t have, and I wasn’t begging on some sidewalk or something like that, because I’ve always been a proud fucker, and… ”
Abruptly he felt like choking on the rush of words, his throat too tight to continue, lungs compressed to a tiny ball of fear. The sheer amount of nothing that followed pressed down on him. Just silence.
Then Joshua stepped in front of him, walked right into Leo’s space, so close that Leo couldn’t help but look at him. Very slowly, carefully, Joshua reached out to lace their fingers. Leo inhaled on a gasp.
“I wish,” Joshua whispered, rough and thick, “that someone had told your younger self it’s okay to accept help.”
There was no surprise on Joshua’s face. No disgust, no shock. Just deep sorrow. It was like being submerged in ice-cold water, then resurfacing to a world that was spinning too fast.
“You knew.” Leo’s voice almost gave out. “How?”
“I suspected.” Joshua’s lips pressed together and he squeezed Leo’s hand, but didn’t let go. “After I left your flat, that’s when the pieces fell into place, and I thought… It was your secret to share. Not mine to force out of you.”
How was he so composed? Why wasn’t he running? Why had he let Leo into his room and made him tea; why was he still listening?
“Talk to me?” Joshua asked, uncertainty woven into the question. It helped, somehow. Leo tightened his grip on Joshua’s hand, focused on the warmth of that touch.
“You’re not shocked? Upset?”
“I was, a little. At first. But I realised it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t define you.”
“I was a rent boy, Joshua.” Drawing a painful breath, Leo forced himself to meet Joshua’s eyes.
“I got on my knees for money. In toilet stalls, in dirty alleys that smelled like piss. I pretended to like it when someone fucked me without prep, something that would have hurt like a bitch if I hadn’t learned to do it myself.
I mean, it wasn’t—it wasn’t always bad, it was mostly okay, most of the time, but… Fuck.”
Unease flashed over Joshua’s face, and now, now he’d understand. He’d drop Leo’s hand and take a step back.
“I’m in love with you,” Joshua said.
He—what? Now? Now?
Leo’s heart thudded against his ribs. “You are?”
“I’m completely in love with you.” Joshua didn’t look away. While his voice was even, his palm was a little sweaty against Leo’s, betraying his nerves. “And yes, it does bother me that those guys got to touch you. But mostly because they didn’t deserve it.”
Everything was blurry, swimming in front of Leo’s eyes. “Well, they did pay.”
“They didn’t care for you,” Joshua said roughly. “So no, they did not deserve it. Leo.” He reached out with his free hand, thumb brushing the skin under Leo’s left eye, and only then did Leo realise he was fighting tears.
Joshua knew.
Joshua knew, and he was still here, was watching Leo with the same warmth as before.
Without thought, Leo stumbled into him, brought both arms up around Joshua’s back to pull him in as close as possible and hold on.
I’m completely in love with you. The words threaded themselves through every thought that spun through Leo’s brain, and he shut his eyes and struggled to breathe.
Joshua was clinging back just as tightly.
“It’s such a tiny part of you,” he murmured, lips brushing Leo’s cheek. “I hate that you went through it, but it’s not—you can’t let it hold you back. Don’t let it define you. Don’t let it… I want to be with you. So if you want—”
“How are you so bloody wonderful?” Leo interrupted. Blindly, he turned his head to find Joshua’s mouth and draw him into a kiss that tasted like tea and salt, tinged with exhaustion. Another. Leo’s body went weak with it, and it felt as though Joshua was the one thing holding him up.
Fuck, Leo needed to pull himself together. If this was supposed to work… If this was supposed to work, then Leo couldn’t be a blubbering mess. They’d need to hold each other up, and he couldn’t do that if he could barely walk straight.
I want to be with you.
He slowed the pace of their kisses, eased them up until it was just gentle, light brushes of their mouths.
It was still enough to send heat spiralling down his spine, one of his hands fisted into the back of Joshua’s shirt, fabric bunched up in his grip.
Jesus. He’d thought he’d lost this. How had he convinced himself to let Joshua go without so much as a fight?
Bringing just enough space between them to focus on Joshua’s face, Leo watched the way his lashes trembled, lids fluttering open. So beautiful. God, he was so fucking beautiful.
“You’re so beautiful,” Leo blurted, then shook his head to clear it. “But you get why this is—why my past is complicated. If the media finds out, it would be chaos.”
Joshua blinked, then his eyes cleared. “I want you in my life. And if you’re not ready to be with me in public—”
“I’m ready,” Leo cut in. “You’re the one whose reputation is at stake, Joshua. This is your risk, not mine. Me, I’m just a nobody.”
“You’re not a nobody to me. And”—Joshua’s jaw clenched—“I don’t fucking care. Let them talk.”
Leo kept his fingers twisted into Joshua’s shirt, knuckles digging in. He met the petulant defiance that had crept into Joshua’s expression with what he hoped passed for a smile, his stomach too heavy. “You don’t mean that.”
“Well.” Joshua sounded reluctant. “I do care a little, yes, but not about opinions. If strangers want to hate me, that doesn’t hurt me.
I just don’t want it to harm my family, or the country.
But maybe…” He hesitated. “Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad?
We don’t have to tell the whole truth, right?
It’s not like you owe the public anything, certainly not your past.”
“You don’t owe them either.”
“But I have a certain kind of duty to set an example.”
Leo wanted to kiss him and never stop. “Which might be a problem if you date me. It’s a risk.”
For a moment, it looked as though Joshua would protest out of principle.
Then he sighed, shoulders slumping. He hooked one hand in a belt loop of Leo’s jeans, tugging him close again, close enough for all features to blur.
His voice was low, yet firm. “I know it’s a risk.
For both of us. But I think we’re worth it. Right?”
“Right,” Leo whispered. There was so much more he needed to tell Joshua, a rush of words that clamoured for attention in his mind—that Joshua was lovely; that he made Leo want to be better and braver; that up until Joshua, Leo hadn’t ever seen himself with anyone by his side.
That he’d never wanted anyone like this, never loved anyone like this.
He settled for winding his fingers into Joshua’s hair and dragging him in for another kiss. Joshua’s mouth was already open, and Leo let his lids drift shut, let himself believe.
“We need to plan this,” he squeezed into the gap between one kiss and the next. A moment later, he tugged on the buttons of Joshua’s shirt, tried to fumble them open and made a disgruntled noise when they wouldn’t cooperate.
“I want you inside,” was Joshua’s mumbled response. Then he stilled, suddenly tense. “I mean, if that’s—”
“Yes,” Leo interrupted, “yes, come on,” and gave a sharp pull that had both of them stumble towards the bed. He felt almost disoriented with the brightness that filled the room, with Joshua’s body pressed close, with all the things he wanted to do to him.
Joshua went down first. He landed on his back, bouncing on the mattress, and Leo crawled after him, straddling his hips so he could attack the buttons of Joshua’s shirt again.
Their fingers tangled over the material, held for a moment before Joshua let go, melting into the sheets as he shot Leo a brilliant smile.
“Love you. Now hurry up and get me naked.”
“So demanding,” Leo countered, but he couldn’t bite down on his answering smile. Didn’t want to. “What a royally spoilt brat.”
“Your royally spoilt brat.”
Yours, Leo thought, mind stuttering over it. Joshua was his.
Something in his expression must have shifted, betrayed his instant of disorientation, because Joshua reached for him, drawing him down until they were looking at each other from up close. “Hey,” Joshua murmured. “This isn’t… I didn’t misread you, the last time. Did I? You do enjoy sex with me.”
It seemed so absurd that Leo needed a second to even process Joshua’s meaning.
Then he gripped his shoulder and frowned, leaning down further so he could nudge their noses together.
“Don’t ever doubt that, okay? Nothing has ever felt like you.
My past is… tricky, yeah, and I had a lot of sex and didn’t always like it very much, was often just going through the motions.
” He inhaled on a slow breath, so close that all he could see was the clear green of Joshua’s eyes.
“With you, it’s nothing like that. Nothing like that. ”
Joshua’s smile started in his eyes. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Leo said. A strange lightness spread in his bones, and it might have been prompted by the tiredness that fogged up the edges of his vision—but maybe it wasn’t. He drew another breath. “You make me happy. I don’t quite know how I got so lucky, but—”