3. Nick #3
“A fantastic one. Come on. What would ten-year-old Nicky have said?”
I finish scarfing down my bowl and set it to the side, thinking. “Probably an octopus. We pulled one up in a trap one time and had to chase it all over the deck. I thought they were so cool. How smart they are, how they can fit through the tiniest little crevices.”
He smiles. “Figures you’d pick something solitary.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. You just keep to yourself a lot. You’re not even attached to the woman you’re hooking up with, and you know any man in Alaska would’ve put a ring on her finger by now.”
“Marriage is a big commitment.”
“Lemme guess—you’re too committed to the sea?”
“Sure.” I force myself to look away as he finishes his food and stretches, running a hand down his abdomen. “Something like that.”
Seth watches me. A little too perceptively. “You ever get lonely, Nicky?”
You have no fucking idea. “Doesn’t everyone?”
“Yeah, you’ve got a point there.” His eyes flit to the window. “That’s why I think I’d be an orca or a porpoise or something. I wanna have what they have.”
I pause. I was trying to evade the question. It didn’t actually occur to me that Seth could be lonely, too. I’ve always thought he is like them. Energetic, social, playful.
“Don’t you have that? You’re close with your family, right? You spend a lot of time with them.”
“Oh yeah, no. They’re great. My mom and dad are good people. Audrey’s kids are lots of fun, and she and I are tight. Well, ever since I got my license and she didn’t have to drive me all over the place. When we were younger, she just yelled at me and beat me up all the time.”
I chuckle.
“I can appreciate how clever my parents were now. Don’t know who was babysitting who. Her, ‘cause I was too little to look out for myself, or me, ‘cause I was so little I’d tattle on her for anything. Even shit she didn’t do.”
“Still can’t tell whether I’m grateful or disappointed I’ll never know what it’s like to have siblings.”
“Oh, you have an idea. You look out for your crew, after all.”
Ice prickles in my chest, but I need the reminder that Seth thinks of me like an older brother. Because sometimes, on evenings like this one, the rocking of the boat goes to my head and I swear I catch him looking at me.
Not like a first mate. Like a mate.
Like he’s hungry, and I’m the warm comfort he needs filling his body.
“So you do have a pod then,” I say. “You’ve got your family.”
“Sure. But Audrey has Jared and my parents have each other, and I don’t always follow their current. You know? Or maybe you don’t. I’d imagine Captain Paul is proud as hell of the way you run the Suoja. He should be.”
“I think so. I try.” I press my lips together. “My parents were told they couldn’t have children. I was a surprise—their one shot to have the kid they wanted so badly. I don’t know if I always follow their current either. I think I’ve just been careful to never make waves.”
“You think you would’ve chosen a different life for yourself?”
The way Seth asks me questions, the way he talks so openly and listens so attentively—it’s a miracle he doesn’t know everything about me. My resolve is dry-rotted when it comes to him.
“No, nothing like that. I’m grateful for my parents, my childhood. Growing up on the water? I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I only meant… love isn’t all it takes to be yourself with someone.”
“Ah. Yeah.” Seth crosses his hands behind his head. “That’s exactly it. I love my folks to death, but I’m surrounded by people at the lodge all the time and none of them are my person. Or my orca, in this case.”
He’ll find his person, no doubt. I just can’t think about it without feeling the beef broth rise in the back of my throat.
“Do you think they have a ‘person’? I’m pretty sure it’s one big orgy out there.”
“I dunno. I bet some of them do. They have complex social systems, they probably have different preferences too. Different connections with each other.” He sounds so free and accepting that, for a split second, I wonder what he’d say if I told him about my own preferences. “Guess I’d have to speak orca to know.”
I feel like an idiot for what I’m about to do, but I do it anyway. I purse my lips, and out comes an uncanny, high-pitched whistle. My face pinches as I slide the pitch up and down, punctuating the sound with my tongue to create clicks and trills.
Seth gapes at me like I just flawlessly executed a skydiving stunt rather than imitated porpoise noises. “No fuckin’ way. How the hell did you learn how to do that?”
“Gotta find some way to entertain yourself when you grow up on a boat without an older sister to kick your ass.”
Seth shakes his head in disbelief, an incredulous smile taking over his face. “Can you do a sea lion too?”
“Only after at least three beers.”
His laugh comes out in a short burst, and I go for it on zero beers. Grunting and chuffing like an idiot. Anything to keep him laughing a little longer and a little louder.
“That’s amazing.” He clutches his stomach, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. “What else are you hiding from me, Nicky?”
If only he knew.