21. Nick #2
“Those will be some lucky wedding guests,” I told her. Which, she seemed to take an intense amount of pride in.
I knew she was baiting me. She wasn’t exactly being crafty about it. But for some reason, I decided to bait her right back.
“Lucky groom, too.”
She went to the walk-in freezer to grab some more preserved herbs after that, but I swear I heard her sneak a private little giggle.
I meant it in passing, of course.
It’s too soon to be making plans like that. I have enough massive life changes to process right now.
But, hours later, I’m still thinking about paella, and what Seth would look like in a suit, and whether he shares his mother’s desire for him to walk down the aisle.
Maybe Irene’s one hell of a manipulator, but I don’t think so. I think I just love the thought of her son getting married, too. To me.
Though the word “boyfriend” is still new and exciting, I have to admit. “Husband” has a better ring to it. Someday.
Nick
December 22
It came just in time. The best Christmas gift I’ve gotten this year. Maybe ever.
The first partial advance on my insurance payout from the Suoja.
I drove out with Seth to deliver the guys’ paychecks today, and it was the greatest relief to be able to put some hard-earned money back in their pockets during the most financially stressful time of the year.
It stung when Perry answered the door in crutches and a cast, but Erin quickly lightened the mood by inviting us in for coffee and taking the check out of his hands.
“I want stone countertops in the shed,” she informed him upon seeing the settlement amount. “And built-in shelves.”
And all Perry had to say was, “Anything you want, honey,” with a big, unflappable grin on his face and an arm around her waist.
That’s probably what I would’ve said, too. The woman’s intimidating. She threatened to lock me and Seth in the house until we finished telling her the story of how we got together.
Orlov and Jorgensen asked how we’re doing too, but aside from that, the big question on everyone’s mind was: “So what’s gonna happen now? Are we going fishing again?”
I guess I should’ve expected it, but I’d convinced myself that they would start distancing themselves from me. The texts and calls would taper off, and they’d find work with another captain—or maybe find work outside of deck crewing altogether.
Dr. Allen has pushed back on that several times.
“Why do you think they don’t trust you?”
“Even if—even though it wasn’t my fault” (See? I swear, I’m working on it) “that doesn’t mean they’d ever want to work with me again.”
“Have you asked them what they want?”
No.
I’ve been too busy asking Zach how his leg is healing—well, all things considered.
Asking Jorg if he got his stitches out yet—yeah, and he’s confident “chicks are gonna dig the scar.” Asking Pyotr how things are going with Anna after the big move—pretty well, judging by his mood and the lack of detail.
I wonder if they, too, have to get on a video call once a week to process what happened to us.
But at the very least, it feels good to know I haven’t lost their trust. To know I still have a solid crew to rely on if I ever have another vessel for them to work on.
If I’m ever ready.
I was raised on a boat. Trying to figure out if I’m ready to be on one again is like trying to remember what it felt like to be “ready” to take my first steps.
Dr. Allen suggested starting slow when it comes to the ocean.
I’ve gone for walks along the shore. Sat on the dock for hours and practiced picturing myself in a wheelhouse again.
Though I haven’t had a nightmare in a while, I don’t know whether taking the plunge and heading back out there would help me move forward or set me back.
I gave everyone the same answer. The truth. “I’m not sure yet.”
And on the slow drive home in the icy dark, Seth rested a hand on my thigh, and I asked him the same question.
“Have you thought about what you’re gonna do, Rit?”
“Well, you know me. If I had to pick between the land and the sea… it’s the toxic relationship that keeps me coming back.
Not like it’s the first time she tried to kill me.
” He squeezed my leg. “But it’s not a choice between land and sea.
Because I pick you. I wanna be where you are.
I don’t wanna spend months away from you.
So if the commercial life isn’t the one for you anymore, that’s all right.
You’ve got more than enough money from the boat.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do. ”
It’s not like I didn’t think about it when I saw all the zeroes on that payout. I could invest wisely, and we could both retire right now. But… then what?
The money was good, but it was never why I loved fishing.
“It’s not about want,” I told him. “I miss the ocean. Feels fucking crazy, but… I do.”
I’m just scared.
I guess Seth could tell, too, because he said, “Forget the work for now then. How about I take you out for Christmas? When’s the last time you got to be a passenger princess, Cap’?”
Fear, it turns out, is not enough for me to say no to Seth.
Nick
December 26
I may have gone a little overboard with the Christmas presents this year, but the way I see it, the insurance payout has plenty of time to gather interest before I’ll need it. It’s not like commercial fishing vessels come on the market left and right.
If I decide to spend the money on a new one.
I have no idea what kids under five like to play with, other than cardboard boxes full of packing peanuts and whatever small animals they can catch outside. So I got recommendations from the lady at the toy store and had her ring it all up.
I didn’t have a clue what sort of books Audrey kept on her “secret shelf” either, so I picked her up a gift certificate before getting a new stand mixer for Irene and a new snow blower for Frank.
They seemed like good ideas, especially when the kids were all excitedly playing with the doohickeys I got that I already forgot the names of.
Until I saw how shocked the adults were when they opened the presents I got them.
In hindsight, those might’ve been big-ticket purchases for people I’ve only known a little over a month. People who had politely gotten me sweaters, socks, and chocolates, then checked me off their list.
“I went too far, didn’t I?” I asked Seth when we were finally in bed alone.
“They loved everything, I promise. You really paid attention.” He rolled over and slung an arm over me, kissing my temple with a laugh. “If anything, they might feel a little bad that you went all out when they didn’t.”
“I don’t need anything though.”
“They appreciate it. You’re just unexpected. In the best way.”
“Shit. I’m not used to this.”
Not used to the whole being-a-boyfriend thing. Not used to having anyone else to spend money on.
“It means a lot to me, you know. That you would do so much for them.”
Everything else faded after that. It always happens when he kisses me in that slow, deep way of his. No rushing, no pressure for anything beyond simply enjoying each other. I love a lot of fucking things that we do together—all the things we do in bed—but kissing Seth is still my favorite.
“And I loved my gift even more,” he said when he finally broke away.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. No one’s ever gonna top it.”
“Don’t know if you can say that when you haven’t technically gotten it yet.”
“Oh, I can.”
He still had that childlike Christmas-Day smile on his face as he reached across to the nightstand and grabbed the buffalo check collar, rubbing the blank tag between his fingers.
I’d wrapped it in a necklace box. Told him we should get that dog he’s always wanted. Maybe only one for now though, to see how it goes. I called the shelter down the road, and they just got in a litter of puppies that’ll be up for adoption in two weeks.
Seth had dropped the box and threw his arms around my neck, crawling into my lap in front of everyone as we sat in front of the Christmas tree.
The kids went absolutely nuts.
“Uncle Seth, are you getting a dog?”
“Can I play with it?”
“What are you gonna name it?”
“You should name it Rudolph.”
The last one was Robbie’s suggestion, and Seth brushed it off. Fully absorbed with me as he told his nephew that was a great suggestion.
As soon as the kid got distracted, I vetoed the hell out of that.
“My name is Nicolas. I can’t be walking around with a dog named Rudolph, Rit.”
Seth found that entertaining enough, I’m mildly concerned he’s going to insist on giving our dog a reindeer name. And just like Perry, all I’ll be able to say is, “Anything you want.”
I’ll start mentally preparing for the Santa Claus jokes, just in case.
Nick