Chapter 23
An hour later and I’m leaving the library with four great tomes.
Two are on weapons in general, one is on ceremonial weapons in particular, and the last is on the Retterheld itself.
The more I know about the different trials, the more I’ll be able to prepare.
I hope. Surprised by their weight and disgruntled at my lack of strength, I carry the books up to my room.
Once there, I change and head down to the battle yard.
Even though I took a fair while at the library, there are still very few people practising. The knighted guards, including Grenda, are all in a conversation with Zelle on the far side of the space.
Estel is practising ducking and jabbing with a large, enchanted bag that swings back and forth, constantly changing angle and height.
For a minute, all I can do is watch her.
She’s fast but inaccurate with her shots, and if she’s got magic to help her, she’s not using it.
Her only method is avoidance. It would be lovely if that could get us through, but I doubt it will.
We’re going to need to fight, maybe even kill.
I’ve never done that before, but I need to steel myself to the possibility. For Kay, there’s nothing I won’t do.
Over in the corner, Benny is sparring with Loch. It’s not a gentle practice. They’re really fighting. They’re angry, and I don’t blame them.
A surge of sadness rolls through me, and for a second, I consider going over and offering them my condolences, but words won’t help them. Even the gifting can’t bring their friend back. The dead always remain so.
‘They need to work this out in their own way,’ a voice says behind me, causing me to start. I turn and find myself facing Zelle for the second time today. ‘Did you find what you wanted in the library?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I reply truthfully. ‘Can I ask something?’
‘Aye. Doesn’t mean I’ll answer though.’ He winks, and I soften a little more to the old man. I’m sure he’s a cold, hard killer when he needs to be, but he’s been nothing but kind to me, and I’m grateful for it.
‘Did you know the knife would do that?’ I ask him. ‘Did you know it would make some people bleed more than others?’
‘No,’ he replies. ‘But I wouldn’t have told you if I had as it wouldn’t have changed things. All it would have done is increase the fear, and fear has no place in the Retterheld.’
I raise an eyebrow.
‘Surely fear is inevitable in the trials and has its place,’ I say. ‘Adrenaline, for example. It helps you focus.’
‘Nerves or apprehension can help hone focus, yes. But true fear freezes you, distracts you,’ he explains.
‘The best thing you can do is know yourself. Know your weaknesses. Know your fears. Know your strengths. Know when you can push yourself, and when you need to slow down. Knowing yourself inside and out, that’s the best preparation you can get. ’
‘Is that what you did when you went into battle?’ I ask, expecting him to reply with an equally loquacious answer. Instead, he arches an eyebrow.
‘Who said anything about a battle?’ He smiles. ‘That’s just how I get through the day.’
A startled laugh bursts out of me, and it shocks me. When was the last time I laughed?
The commander looks pleased with himself as he claps me on the shoulder and then walks away.
I think I like Zelle.
‘Rose! Great, you’re here.’ Jonas stands behind me, holding a note in his hand. ‘My father just sent me this. It’s about Kay.’
‘What does it say?’ The adrenaline that Zelle told me to get hold of surges through me.
‘He’s brought her to court. She’ll stay with him in our quarters until the Retterheld is over.’
Relief floods through me. I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. She was there in the Sunken Temple. She saw me take my vows.
‘She’s definitely okay?’ I ask again.
‘It doesn’t say much, just that she’s here. But I guess yeah, she’s all right.’
‘Here, in the High Hold …’ My heart skips. I’ve only been away from her for a day and a half, but it’s the longest we’ve ever been separated and the absence hurts like hell. There are things I should have said to her. Like not to forget the health tonic mother always made us take.
‘She’ll be at the ball, I expect,’ Jonas says. ‘After the first trial. You can see her then. Provided you stay alive, that is.’
There’s something about his tone that makes me feel like he’s not sure that’s going to happen, and he’s probably right.
If I don’t start training, I’m going to be screwed.
Well, Zelle’s offered private training sessions, and I’d be a fool not to take him up on it, and I’m no fool.
Looks like tomorrow, I’m getting up early.
But for now, I have Jonas to train with.
‘Well, rather than talking, you could always help me fight?’ Grinning with the knowledge that Kay is safe for now, I stride over to the rack of weapons and grab a sword.
But as I move to lift it out of its hold, it stays exactly where it is.
Even when I alter my grip and try again, the damn thing refuses to budge.
‘Are these things spelled in place?’ I ask. I’m looking at Jonas when I speak, but it’s a voice behind me that replies.
‘No, they’re not.’ Still dressed in the plain black shirt he was wearing in the kitchen, Kyor pushes past me and picks the sword up like it weighs nothing more than a feather.
I don’t know how long he’s been there, but I refuse to let him sully my good mood, especially when I know he won’t kill me here. I offer him the sweetest smile I can muster.
‘I prefer daggers anyway,’ I say, locking eyes with him as I speak. ‘You know, so I’m up close when I plunge it into you … I mean, whoever it is I’m fighting.’ I offer him the hint of a smirk as I pick up one of the light push daggers he pointed out in the early hours of this morning.
His ever-present look of superiority is so damned infuriating. ‘Ready when you are, Thorn.’
I ignore his response and stride past him with my shoulders back.
‘You know, sometimes I think you have a death wish,’ Jonas says as he trails after me.
‘I don’t,’ I assure him. ‘I just don’t make friends with arseholes.’
‘I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.’ He grins. ‘Now, let’s see what you remember.’
It turns out, I remember precious little.
After three days of getting up in the dark to train with Zelle before the other Rettlings awake, and then training with Jonas and the Eastern Islanders all day, my muscles are so sore that I can’t remember what it’s like not to ache with every breath I take.
Breakfast in the dining hall is always a noisy affair because waking up and knowing we’re actually going to see another morning feels like enough of a reason to celebrate. Which, in the Retterheld, I guess it is.
‘How are you still able to walk?’ I huff to Llinos as I follow her to our table. ‘Do your muscles not feel like lead?’
‘They’re definitely tight,’ she admits, ‘but we’ve trained a lot. You know, since birth.’
So had I. Even when we were first stripped and moved to the fifth, we trained daily. It’s just these last few years in the slums that saw it slip. Badly. It’s hard to practise running laps anywhere when you’re so hungry you get light-headed just walking to the market.
Unspoken rules have formed among the groups.
The knights sit nearest the food tables.
I’m pretty sure a couple of them know the cooks, or at least, they’re definitely favoured by them, as the piles of pastries on their plates are substantially larger than on anyone else’s.
Zara, Shim, and the other Rettlings from Rowell take the table by the main staircase.
I’m pretty sure it’s so they can glare at everyone coming in and out, which is what they do best. Thankfully, I use the thinner staircase at the other end of the hall, meaning I get to avoid some of their glowers, though they normally switch their attention to me when they see I’ve arrived, and in truth, I can’t blame them.
Zara’s burns have mostly healed – rumour has it she goes to see the healers for hours every night – but there’s still scarring. I suspect there always will be.
The only Rowell Rettling I’ve ever heard speak beside Zara is Oke, who is equally vicious.
So much so that she sent one of her group, Mattieu, to the healers on the first day of training with a knife throw to the arm.
He was back sitting with her the next day, suggesting they’re a close-knit group, but I’ve never seen any of them laugh or even crack a smile.
I’m not actually sure they’re capable of it.
So far, there have been no more threats on my life, but I don’t doubt Zara’s biding her time. I can’t blame her. If there’s one person I wouldn’t mind sending to Mortidem’s eternal darkness to have her powers redistributed, it’s definitely Zara.
I also wouldn’t mind sending Kyor. Or Holden. The list is ever-growing.
I’ve learned the crazy old lady from Dorain is called Seiren, and the younger, exceptionally tall woman who looks after her is Kestria and that every Rettling from Galreck is male.
Rumour has it that the duke there forbade women from making offerings, but I struggle to believe that’s true.
The dukes answer to the king and I can’t imagine any would be foolish enough to make their own rulings against his.
My group sits at the end near the fireplace – a choice of table for which I’m pretty sure I’m responsible, as my time shivering in the slums makes me naturally seek out heat.
I’m still in awe of the size of the fires here.
The four of us – the three who remain from the Eastern Isles and me – are a constant, but Jonas tends to spend just a short while with us before flitting around all of the other tables, excluding Zara’s.
Estel joined us the first morning, though I haven’t seen her since.
And as for Kyor … I’ve been blessed not to see him in the dining hall at all.
Unlike Zara and Shim’s group, it’s clear that Benny and Llinos have adopted humour as a way to cope with their loss, and the laughter is fairly constant.
Normally, they are ribbing one another for mistakes they made in training or recalling some in-joke from years back, but for once, I’m not listening to the goading.
‘What’s that you’re reading?’ Llinos asks, leaning over my shoulder.
‘It’s a book on weapons.’
‘Ah yes, reading about fighting,’ Benny says, amused. ‘The best way to ensure you don’t actually win a fight. But hey, at least you’ll be able to evaluate what you did wrong when you’re stabbed.’
I shoot him a glare as Llin thumps him on the shoulder.
‘Thank you,’ I say with a smirk.
‘Any time.’
‘And I’m not reading about fighting,’ I inform him. ‘I know how to fight. I’m looking for something in particular.’
‘Want to tell us? Maybe I know what it is,’ Llin suggests. ‘I was a bit of a weapons geek when I was younger. And my party trick was telling you the exact length of any blade just by feeling its weight.’
‘Which is why the guys are grateful she chose women as her preference in bed.’ Benny snickers.
Llinos’s glower narrows. ‘One, not a choice. Two, a true blade master knows it’s not the length of the blade, but what you do with it. Too bad I heard you’re failing on both counts, Benny.’
‘If you ever want to find out …’
Llinos mock gags. ‘Please don’t. I’m eating.’
I shake my head.
‘It’s not just any weapon,’ I say, deciding to go with the truth.
After all, Kyor has already seen it, and I don’t see any harm in telling the people I actually trust here.
‘It’s the knife the priestess used in the blood vow,’ I explain.
Immediately, their faces pale and I realise what an idiot I am.
Of all the things they didn’t need reminding of.
‘I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. ’
‘No, it’s fine,’ Llinos says, drawing in a long breath to steady herself. ‘We asked. So what is it you’re looking into? The properties?’
‘No. Well, yes. But no. I was given a knife by a friend when I got accepted here. I’d never seen anything like it before but … well, it’s the same as the one the High Priestess used.’
Both pairs of eyes widen. ‘Seriously?’
‘Yep. I was looking to see if I could find out anything else about it, but I’ve not had any luck.
It doesn’t help that I’m struggling to read at night like I normally do, what with all the early morning training with Zelle.
Still, I’ve at least scanned through all the books I got from the library, and I’ve not found anything yet. ’
‘You got books from the library?’ Llin says, latching onto a different part of the conversation. ‘We can go to the library here? I thought we could only stay in this arc, unless it was for the balls or trials.’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘The library is down in the basement and there’s access from the guards’ temple. Zelle knew I was heading there and didn’t say anything, so I don’t think it’s a problem.’
‘Can you take me there after morning training?’ she asks, her eyes lighting up. ‘Or just tell me how to get there, and I’ll go without you.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ I offer. ‘Although I was planning to go this morning after breakfast. Caroline was going to look for something for me and said that was the best time to catch her.’
‘Caroline?’ Llinos’s smile drops as her posture stiffens. ‘What does she look like, this Caroline person?’
‘Umm … similar age to us. Maybe a bit older. Warm blonde hair. Dark skin. And she was tall.’
‘Blonde? And how tall? Like a little taller than you or actually tall?’
I feel the blood drain from my cheeks. I got so wrapped up in looking for books that I forgot about the questions Caroline had asked me before we started the search.
About whether I knew any Rettlings from the Eastern Isles.
Gut churning, I realise that they almost certainly know each other, though it’s a moment later when I realise quite how well they might.
Caroline.
Caz.
‘I think I should take you there. Now,’ I insist.