Chapter 11
Plates seem kind of pointless when your life has been turned upside down. Plus, seeing as though this has wound up being a lasagne for one, I may as well eat it straight out of the oven dish.
There is good news, however, because this… whole thing also means I get the bottle of wine to myself too.
I’m sitting at the kitchen table, grieving into my lasagne, all alone, while Andy and Cordelia – or Buzz and Tink as they are so cringe-inducingly known now – are out celebrating.
I can’t even whinge that they didn’t invite me, because they did, and that’s somehow even more pathetic than being left out.
I told them I was busy and they didn’t stick around for long enough to learn that busy = crying into a lasagne.
I pour myself another oversized glass of red wine and, no, it’s not that I’m above drinking straight from the bottle, but I find it easier to chug from the glass.
I stab another piece of lasagne, picking up the best part of a sheet, and stuff it into my mouth. With my free hand, I call JJ.
‘Hello?’ she answers.
I can hear the curiosity in her voice. She knows that tonight is the night.
‘Hello,’ I reply, still with a gobful.
‘Oh no,’ is all she says.
‘Oh yes,’ I reply.
‘What happened?’ she asks – notice how she doesn’t make fun of me when it sounds actually serious?
‘So, Andy is back, but I haven’t had the chance to tell him how I feel,’ I explain.
‘That’s okay. What, are you nervous? Or…?’
JJ can tell something is up, but she doesn’t know what. Time to enlighten her.
‘Andy is engaged,’ I say, cutting to the chase.
Silence.
‘JJ?’ I say after a few seconds, checking we’re still connected.
‘I’m here, I’m here,’ she replies. ‘To whom? Since when?’
‘A woman from work,’ I reply. ‘It sounds like they’ve been inseparable, while they’ve been in Sydney and, yeah, they’re engaged. He popped the question on their way home.’
JJ makes a sympathetic noise that’s half-groan, half-hiss.
‘What on earth is he thinking?’ she asks.
‘What on earth was I thinking?’ I reply.
‘It’s too soon, he’s being crazy, he’ll come to his senses soon enough. There’s no way he’ll go through with it,’ she tries to reassure me, but it’s no use.
‘They’re getting married next month,’ I tell her.
‘Next month,’ she repeats. ‘As in May?’
‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘And Andy has asked me to be his best man – sorry, not Andy, Buzz. She calls him Buzz, as in Buzz Lightyear, and he calls her Tink, as in Tinkerbell.’
‘Words can’t express how much I hate them both,’ JJ replies. ‘Presumably that’s enough to stop you fancying him again?’
‘If only,’ I say with a sigh.
‘So you’re going to be his best man?’ she checks.
‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘Best man or best person. Best fucking idiot. Whatever.’
‘Whit, I’m so sorry,’ JJ replies sincerely.
I pour more wine down my throat. It’s got to help eventually.
‘I take it you’re at home?’ she checks. ‘Did I hear you eating?’
‘Yep, lasagne for one – the lasagne I was making for him. So tragic,’ I reply.
‘Okay, you’re carb loading, that helps,’ she says. ‘And presumably drinking?’
I hiccup almost on demand.
‘Noted,’ she says. ‘That will help too.’
‘I just feel like such an idiot,’ I say. ‘I finally work out I’m in love with him and the universe replies by pairing him off with someone else. Why am I like this?’
‘Oh, babe,’ she says, and there’s no teasing, only warmth.
‘You are not an idiot. You’re not “like this” – you’re not to blame.
Look. I know I said the other night that you were in love with him, but…
maybe I was premature. Maybe I was… reaching, you know?
I was annoyed my blind dates didn’t work out and you know how I hate to lose.
Maybe I was just trying to force the narrative… ’
I shake my head, not that she can see me.
‘No,’ I say quietly but firmly. ‘You were right.’
‘Whit…’
‘The genie’s out of the bottle now,’ I say, pushing my fork around the dish.
I take another drink. A big old gulp.
‘I just… I don’t know what to do,’ I admit. ‘I can’t tell him now, can I? I mean, what am I supposed to say? “Hey, congrats on your engagement, I actually love you, so could you not?”’
‘Personally, I’d watch that show,’ JJ says. ‘But no, you can’t. Not unless you’re willing to blow everything up.’
‘I’m not,’ I say immediately. ‘He’s my best friend. I can’t lose him just because my heart has finally realised what it wants.’
‘So if your options are you tell him and risk the friendship, or you say nothing and crack on with best man duties…?’
‘Then I crack on with best man duties,’ I reply.
‘You are a better woman than I am,’ she says. ‘If it were me, I’d probably turn up in a wedding dress and tell anyone who would listen how it should have been me.’
‘I’ll keep that as a plan B,’ I reply, allowing myself one little joke.
‘That’s my girl,’ she says.
We sit in silence for a moment, the clink of my fork the only sound.
‘We’ll get through it,’ JJ tells me. ‘As a team.’
‘I’m not sure this falls under agent duties,’ I point out.
‘Friend duties, obviously – I don’t see money in this,’ she jokes. ‘You know I’d never leave you to go through this one on your own. Hell no.’
A lump builds in my throat that has nothing to do with the sheer volume of pasta I’m pushing down it.
‘You don’t have to—’
‘I do,’ she cuts in. ‘Because I am an excellent friend. Also I’m dying to meet a woman who is happy to be called Tink – what’s her real name?’
‘Cordelia,’ I reply.
‘No comment,’ JJ replies. ‘But, you know, I still think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe you weren’t in love with him all along. And maybe this is simply you panicking because things are changing. I know I always want what I can’t have…’
‘Yeah, maybe,’ I reply, although I don’t believe that, and I’m sure she doesn’t either.
We fall silent again. Until…
‘Hey, you don’t fancy another blind date, do you? It could be a nice distraction, or a good way to find a date for the wedding?’ she asks – presumably joking.
‘Not a chance,’ I reply.
‘Someone to take your mind off things. A rebound. A palate cleanser…’
‘I do not need a palate cleanser,’ I say firmly. ‘I need a lobotomy.’
‘I’ve dated guys who felt like getting a lobotomy,’ she jokes. ‘But okay, point taken. No more dates. For now.’
‘For ever,’ I correct her.
‘We’ll see,’ she sings.
‘JJ…’
‘Okay, okay,’ she says. ‘I’ll stand down. For the moment. But if a leading man literally falls out of the sky and lands at your feet, I’m taking it as a sign, and you should too.’
‘Men falling out of the sky is generally a bad sign, but sure,’ I reply.
‘You’re not alone, you know?’ she says, getting serious again for a second. ‘You’ve got me, and you don’t need a man – look at me, I don’t need a man.’
‘You need, like, five men,’ I point out.
‘Exactly, stop looking for one man, let’s have a good time. And who knows? Maybe this isn’t the story you think it is.’
‘I swear to God, if you start calling this a plot twist…’ I warn her.
She laughs.
‘Try to get some rest. We’ll get you through it,’ she says.
‘Will do. Night night.’
‘Sweet dreams, Whit,’ she replies.
We hang up.
I appreciate her support, really, I do, but I’m not sure how she’s going to get me through this one unscathed.
Best man, at my best friend’s wedding, when I’m secretly in love with him. Oh, and not a man.
What a joke.