Chapter 26
Am I getting off easy or living a nightmare?
I’m not sure. There are three ways tonight could have played out.
One: I throw Andy a stag do and have to play a part in ‘sending him off’ into married life, which I don’t want to do.
Two: instead of going on the stag do I have to go on Cordelia’s hen party; just me, her and JJ.
Then there’s option three, the one we’ve ended up with – a joint stag and hen party with Andy, Cordelia, JJ, me and Jake in attendance. Maybe this is the best-case scenario.
We’re at the local pub, The Rose the marriage is a lifetime.’
‘I want to say that makes me sick in my mouth, but I love that for you,’ JJ says, sounding a little worse for wear already. ‘I have had enough of it though, so how about we break open one of these games?’
The pile of board games looks older than me.
The boxes are yellowing and kind of smelly, like they’ve been gathering dust in a cupboard for decades.
The Monopoly is so old it takes me a moment to recognise it – not that I have any interest in playing it on a stag/hen do.
Everyone knows Monopoly is for falling out with your family at Christmastime only.
‘This is the one,’ JJ says. ‘I’ve never even heard of it. I bet it got cancelled.’
The game she’s holding is called Couples: Sexy Edition.
‘Erm, is that a good idea?’ I check.
‘We’re all couples, I guess,’ Cordelia says. ‘But you’re alone, JJ.’
‘If I have to kiss anyone, I’ll snog Whit,’ she suggests.
‘I’m an engaged lady,’ I inform her, letting her down gently.
‘Tom,’ she calls out.
A man, presumably Tom, emerges from behind the bar.
‘Will you play this game with us, please?’ she asks with a pout. ‘They won’t let me play because I’m single.’
Tom, a twenty-something with a cheeky smile, lights up.
‘Count me in,’ he replies.
‘There, sorted,’ JJ says.
I mean, I suppose it is.
The first rounds are harmless. Mostly. Things like: ‘Tell your partner your favourite thing about them’ – and presumably, from the name of the game, it means sexually, but unless otherwise stated, answers are generally wholesome.
Tom gets a card that says ‘Kiss your partner dramatically’ but he doesn’t have the nerve to see it through so he kind of makes out with JJ’s cheek. She loves it regardless.
The next card is ‘Do an impression of your partner’, and Cordelia does an actually funny impression of Andy when he reads boring legal documents. I’ve seen him do it and she’s got his mannerisms down to a tee.
‘Okay! Next is a “locked in together” challenge!’ Tom reads out.
‘This is for Whitney and, ooh, it says a member of the opposite sex, from another team. So Andy. It says you go in a cupboard, but we’ve got the baby-changing lav over there, no one uses it.
Get in there. We’ll shout you when you can come out. ’
I look to Jake for some reason. He just gives me a reassuring laugh.
‘Doesn’t bother me,’ Cordelia says defensively. ‘They’ve lived together platonically for years.’
‘After you,’ Andy says, opening the door so I can head in first.
I find the string for the light switch and pull it. Wow, they must never use this; it’s full of boxes, making the space for us to share tiny.
It’s weird, I’ve never felt awkward with him before, but since he came back he feels like a different person.
Andy exhales slowly, staring at the floor.
‘Well.’
‘Well,’ I echo, leaning back against the wall, as if I can physically distance myself from the awkwardness.
In the mirror, I catch a glimpse of myself: penis tiara on – I’d forgotten about that; Andy has ditched his though – cheeks flushed, eyes wide. I look like someone who’s either drunk or in trouble. I think I’m both.
Andy looks at me properly then, and his expression shifts into something softer, something familiar. It’s hard to explain, but he looks like my Andy again. The version that sits on the sofa with me at midnight and shoots zombies.
‘How are you doing?’ he asks quietly.
‘I’m fine,’ I say automatically.
He gives me that look. The one that says, Whit, don’t you dare.
‘Whit.’
‘Ahh, there’s just a lot going on,’ I tell him. ‘A lot of surprises.’
He nods slowly.
‘I didn’t have you getting engaged on my bingo card,’ he admits.
‘Same,’ I say with a laugh.
We stand in silence for a moment, and my heart beats so hard it feels like it might crack one of my ribs.
‘So… Jake.’
My heart sinks.
‘What about Jake?’ I reply.
Andy shrugs, but there’s tension in his shoulders.
‘He seems… good.’
‘He is,’ I say too quickly, which is obviously what someone says when they’re not defensive at all.
Andy’s gaze narrows slightly.
‘Is he?’ he replies. ‘Is he really right for you?’
My throat goes dry. Why is he asking me this now?
‘Of course,’ I reply. ‘He’s perfect.’
‘Perfect isn’t real though, is it?’ he says. ‘Does he read? Does he play video games with you? Does he bring you chocolate from everywhere he goes?’
‘I notice you forgot my Tim Tams,’ I point out.
‘I didn’t, but Cordelia ate them,’ he replies.
Figures.
‘Andy…’ I begin, but I don’t know what to say.
He steps a little closer, voice low.
‘I didn’t expect it,’ he admits. ‘Seeing you with someone.’
‘Why?’ I ask.
‘Because we’ve always been us,’ he replies. ‘And now we’re both marrying other people, it feels weird, it feels final.’
‘But that’s what people do, they get married,’ I point out.
‘We weren’t far off our pact, were we? What did we say, forty?’ He smiles. ‘I think everyone always thought we’d get married. I sometimes wonder if I thought that too…’
‘Time’s up,’ Tom calls out as he opens the door.
Andy steps back immediately, like he’s been caught doing something wrong.
‘Did you kiiiiiss?’ JJ jokes loudly.
‘No,’ Andy and I say in unison.
The game continues, because of course it does.
Eventually it’s my turn again – oh joy.
‘State your favourite hobby,’ JJ reads the card aloud. ‘Your partner too.’
‘Sitting,’ I offer up, giving a semi-jokey answer, because what trouble can that get me into?
‘Horses, I guess,’ Jake replies.
JJ cackles with laughter.
‘Combine them to make a sex position,’ she tells us. ‘Oh my God, so funny.’
There’s a beat of silence.
‘Oh my God!’ Cordelia blurts.
Andy practically freezes.
Tom claps. ‘Okay! Combine them! Sex position! Go!’ he commands.
I stare at Jake, horrified. ‘We don’t have to—’
‘I actually have an idea,’ he replies with a cheeky smile.