Chapter 28
I feel like it’s been ages since Jake left, and it’s hard to think he might be avoiding me. I mean, I’d avoid me too if I were him, so it makes sense.
It’s quiet here. Everyone is busy, so I’m just rattling around on my own. It’s the kind of silence that feels like you’ve stepped into a room where everyone was talking about you, and everything grinds to an uncomfortable halt.
But there’s no one here, so it’s just my imagination playing tricks on me again.
I throw on a hoodie and decide to go for a walk around the gardens, because I’ll go mad here alone with my own thoughts about everything.
As I step outside I notice Jake walking up the path, wicker basket in hand.
‘I was just coming to get you,’ he says with a smile.
‘Oh?’ I reply.
‘Yeah, fancy a picnic?’ he asks.
My heart does a happy little dance in my chest.
‘I’d love that,’ I tell him.
I notice Biscuits, hitched to the fence.
‘She’s coming with us,’ he tells me. ‘It’s a little ways away – still in the grounds, we’re not going too far.’
‘I’d go anywhere with you two,’ I say with a smile.
He looks like a dream, leaning against the fence like he’s in an advert for aftershave. Hat low, sleeves rolled up, that easy posture of his. Even Biscuits looks like she’s been washed and brushed for the occasion.
‘Thought the break might do you good,’ he tells me.
‘From my life?’ I check. ‘Absolutely.’
‘And I made sandwiches,’ he says.
I blink.
‘You made sandwiches?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What kind?’
‘Ham. Cheese. A lil’ chutney,’ he says.
‘My absolute favourite,’ I reply.
‘And I’ve got potato chips, cake – even did you a flask of tea,’ he adds.
‘Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go,’ I reply.
‘Come on. I found a spot.’
He helps me up onto Biscuits. I sit behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist, and then we set off.
We take a narrow path that curves away from the main house and the noise of all the visitors. The further we get, the more the sounds fade until all I can hear is birdsong and Biscuits’ hooves crunching gently on the ground.
‘You doin’ okay today?’ Jake asks.
I love the way he checks in, like he really cares.
I hesitate for a second – am I okay? I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster and it has temporarily rearranged my atoms. I feel like I don’t know who I am, what I want or what’s going to happen.
‘Ahh, I’m fine,’ I say breezily. ‘I’m living my best life. Engaged to a cowboy. About to be a bridesmaid in a powder-blue dress. Totally fine.’
‘You sound like you’re spirallin’,’ he says.
‘I am not spiralling,’ I insist.
He gives me a look.
‘I’m just gently twirling,’ I correct him. ‘I’m sure things will settle soon, when life goes back to normal.’
We trot another few steps. The path dips slightly, the trees thinning, letting the sun back in.
Ahead is a meadow. Not a manicured estate lawn-meadow. A real one. Long grass and wildflowers and that soft, unbothered feel of a place nobody’s tried to curate for the public.
Beyond it, tucked behind a line of trees, is a narrow stream, glinting in the sun. The water runs clear and quick over little stones, and the sound of it is instantly calming. I don’t even want to leave.
‘Oh wow,’ I blurt.
Jake looks at me, pleased.
‘Told you I found us a spot.’
‘This is…’ I search for the right word. ‘More than a spot. It’s a dream.’
‘Come on. Let’s set up,’ he suggests.
He helps me down from Biscuits before removing the basket from her saddle and setting up our lunch.
Jake ties her reins loosely to a sturdy post near the trees. She immediately lowers her head and starts happily chewing grass.
Jake spreads out a blanket by the stream, smoothing it flat. The sunlight pours in through the trees, turning the water into glitter.
I lower myself onto the blanket, tucking my legs underneath me, and then all at once it feels like the stress evaporates from my body. I practically melt. This really does feel like a break from my life, like I’m outside the bubble suddenly, and it’s glorious. I can breathe.
Jake sits opposite, close enough that his knee brushes mine when he shifts.
Jake pulls things from the basket – sandwiches, crisps, grapes, two bottles of water – and, of course, my tea.
‘I think this might be the most thoughtful thing anyone has done for me in months,’ I tell him.
‘What are fiancés for, huh?’ he replies.
‘Don’t play down how amazing you are,’ I insist. ‘This isn’t for show, there’s no one here to impress, no one to sell a story to.’
He smiles, but it’s softer than usual.
As we eat, we talk about everything and nothing. The kind of chat that comes easy when you’re with the right person.
‘Exciting about the book deal, huh?’ he says.
‘Yeah…’ I pause. ‘It is. I guess now I just have a new thought in my mind, that maybe the book is crap, and my viral fame is the only reason it’s getting published.’
‘Has anyone read it?’ he asks, leaning back on his hand.
I shake my head.
‘Not all of it – JJ has read quite a bit.’
‘She’s an expert,’ he reminds me.
‘She’s also my friend,’ I point out.
‘That’s fear talkin’. Not truth.’
I glance up.
‘I mean it,’ he says. ‘You know, JJ, she wouldn’t lie to ya, and publishers wouldn’t be interested if the book wasn’t good.’
He’s looking at me like he actually believes I’m capable. Like he’s not humouring me. And it’s… disarming.
We talk about Rosewood too.
Jake tells me little bits – how the stables are solid but could be improved, how the land could be used for more riding trails. He talks about it like it’s not just a business deal. Like it’s a dream he’s been carrying around in his heart for a long time, he just needed to find the right spot.
I find myself imagining it. Jake here permanently.
Not passing through. Not pretending. Me visiting.
Then staying. Then… living. It’s a dangerous thought.
It slides into my mind like it belongs there, and for a moment it feels possible.
I hate that. Because thinking that things like these are possible is how you get hurt.
Jake reaches for another sandwich, his fingers brushing mine in the process. It’s a small, accidental touch but it starts flashbacks of last night bouncing around in my head.
He doesn’t pull away immediately, and neither do I. Our fingertips linger for a second longer than they need to.
Then he takes a sandwich and leans back again.
The sun is warm. The water is soft noise. The world feels far away. It’s so peaceful I could almost forget the last few days entirely. Almost… because last night has really complicated things.
‘Can I ask you somethin’?’ Jake asks.
‘That depends. Is it going to ruin my day?’ I joke – well, half joke.
He glances at me, a faint smile.
‘Maybe.’
‘Great,’ I mutter playfully. ‘Go on.’
‘Last night,’ he starts after a brief pause.
‘Last night was… chaotic,’ I reply. ‘I’ve never been to a joint stag and hen before.’
‘Yeah. But I mean… after,’ he says.
I know he did. My throat goes dry.
The power cut. The candlelight. The way his voice sounded. The way his hands felt on my body…
I sip my tea and clear my throat.
‘Right.’
Jake watches me carefully.
‘What did it mean to you?’ he asks.
I don’t know what to say. My first instinct is to crack a joke. To shield myself with humour and sarcasm like I always do, but the way he’s looking at me makes it impossible.
‘It meant… something,’ I say.
‘Yeah?’
I nod, my chest tightening.
‘It meant… I don’t know. Something.’
‘You don’t know what?’ he asks gently.
‘I know it sounds bad. It’s not that… It’s… I just…’ I wave a hand helplessly. ‘My life is a mess, Jake. We’re pretending to be engaged, and it’s confusing, because it all feels so real sometimes, and then there’s the wedding, the book deal, your business deal – we’re spinning so many plates and…’
‘Hey,’ he says, holding up a hand gently.
I stop.
‘I’m not askin’ for a perfect answer,’ he replies. ‘I’m just wondering if last night was just a drunken blur of the two of us getting caught up in the story, or something real?’
I wish I knew. I wish he would answer the question first, so I could follow his lead. I wish I knew what he thought.
The problem is that I am falling for Jake.
That part feels undeniable. It’s in the way my body relaxes around him, the way I keep looking at him like I’m trying to memorise him, the way his attention feels like warmth I didn’t realise I’d been missing.
But there are two complications – one is if he thinks last night was just a drunken mistake, the two of us getting carried away with our fake story, and just happening to be in a bed together, in a dark room, in a power cut – who wouldn’t hook up?
The other thing is Andy. Or maybe it’s not actually Andy, but the version of him I’ve been telling myself is the guy for me, but that’s not actually Andy, is it?
That’s me choosing the security of my friend, someone I trust with my heart, after a string of bad dates.
Maybe I was never in love with him, not like that – if I was, I’d be sure, right?
Sure like I am about the way I feel about Jake, but unlike Andy asking me out a million years ago, I have nothing to go on with Jake, to know if he actually likes me, or if this is all for the business deal.
Yes, okay, we did sleep together, but if JJ were here she’d remind me that she sleeps with people she doesn’t want to see again all of the time, so maybe I can’t read too much into that.
Jake is perfect. He’s safe and steady and, yes, ridiculously attractive, and my body is screaming for me to pick him – but does he really want me to? I find it so hard to believe.
And then there’s the doubt in my head, that with Andy off the table, maybe I’m deluding myself, throwing myself at the first man who will have me.
I hate myself for even thinking it, because it makes Jake sound like a consolation prize, and he is not.
Not even close. He’s most women’s fantasy.
Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble believing we could have something real.
‘We don’t have to talk about this now,’ he tells me.
I open my mouth. Nothing comes out.
‘Really, it’s alright,’ he replies. ‘We can figure things out after the wedding. We’ve still got a show to keep on the road, right?’
He smiles and it makes me feel worse.
He reaches for the basket and starts tidying quietly, folding up wrappers, stacking containers. It’s a small action, but it feels like distance all of a sudden.
‘I shouldn’t have brought it up today,’ he says lightly, like he’s trying to soften it.
‘No,’ I say quickly. ‘You should.’
He nods once, but he doesn’t look at me.
We pack up and head back to the lodge. The closer we get, the more reality sets in.
I glance at Jake, trying to find the easy warmth from earlier, the relaxed smile, the gentle teasing, but it’s like there’s something else in there now too. Something tough.
I really did start to believe we were becoming something, while we were pretending, I just didn’t think he could ever feel that way about me.
Now the line between the act and the reality feels sharper again.
Like I have to pick a side, but I don’t know which side Jake is on.
Is he sounding me out to see how I feel, or is he making sure I haven’t got the wrong end of the stick?
It’s like we’re both too scared to admit it.
As we reach the lodge gate, Jake pauses, holding it open for me.
‘After you,’ he says politely.
‘Thanks for the picnic,’ I tell him.
He smiles.
‘Anytime.’
God, I hope he means that.
‘I did mean what I said,’ I manage to blurt. ‘About last night meaning something.’
His gaze softens slightly.
‘I know,’ he says quietly. Then he tips his hat, small and gentle. ‘No pressure, okay? We can talk later.’
I nod, even though my chest aches.
‘Okay,’ I reply.
He turns towards Biscuits, leading her onward.
And I stand there for a moment, watching him walk away, feeling the shift settle between us like a new weather front.
Now I’m worried he thinks I’m knocking him back, but I still need to hold up my part of the deal, then make sure Arty will sell to him, so I have to focus on that. Everything else, well, as the man said, we’ll figure that out later.