Chapter 33
The relief hits me somewhere between the first glass of Prosecco and the arrival of the main course. We did it, we got Andy and Cordelia back together, and now they get to live their happy ever after together.
It’s a very limited sense of relief though, very confined to the wedding, because other things are not ideal.
I’m trying to focus on the positives. Against all odds, in the face of multiple emotional grenades, it all worked.
Andy and Cordelia are married. And do you know what?
It suits them. They’re glowing, floating on air, potentially even more loved-up and solid than they would have been without the events of this morning.
It’s a great wedding too. The food is so good, and the venue is beautiful. JJ has already pulled so she’s living her best life. It would be hard to think of a way for things to be better were it not for one thing – Jake never showed up.
I should feel happy for my friends, proud of myself for bringing them back together, but instead, I feel hollow.
I keep feeling Jake’s absence in the smallest ways. The empty chair at our table being the most obvious. Mostly though, I’ve got so used to having him around this week, all of a sudden it feels so quiet without him.
‘And now, the best person/chief bridesmaid’s speech,’ a voice announces as a microphone gets pushed into my hand.
Oh shit, I’d forgotten about this. I have my speech, already written, folded up in my clutch bag – I put it here days ago so I wouldn’t forget it. It’s some of my best comedy material, truly, but I’m not in the mood. I can’t let Andy and Cordelia down though, so I suck it up and clear my throat.
‘Hello everyone,’ I say, my voice way too loud – I’m not used to a mic. I guess I need to hold it a little further away. ‘For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Whitney. I’ve known Andy for a long time – and I’ve lived with him, which has made it feel even longer.’
People laugh, right on cue.
I glance down at my speech, then back up at the crowd. Suddenly my funny speech feels stupid, and not funny, and insincere.
I stuff the paper back in my bag. This isn’t going to work.
‘Okay,’ I say, my voice quieter now, but steadier.
‘I had a whole speech planned. It was very funny; you’ll just have to trust me on that one.
But now I’m up here, standing by the happy couple, funny doesn’t feel right.
Sure, I can make jokes about them – I had a whole page on Andy’s various haircuts and attempts at facial hair over the years – but I think what’s really worth mentioning is that they’ve done it, they’ve found love.
I’ve spent most of my life believing that love was meant to look a certain way, that it has a timeline.
A structure. I looked at it like a book plot.
I thought it arrives when you’re ready and leaves you when you’re not. ’
A few people smile knowingly.
‘But this week,’ I continue, ‘I watched two people decide to go for it. No waiting and seeing. No raking over each other’s past. Just falling in love, being sure of it, confident in it, and going for it.
And it’s not easy, it’s so much harder, to put your heart in another person’s hands like that, but they’ve done it.
I think we’d all do well to be a little more like them, so… to bravery!’
‘To bravery,’ everyone else echoes.
I throw back my champagne because now I need to practise what I preach. I need to be brave. I wish I knew where Jake was.
I look around for JJ, because it turns out I can’t find her either. Eventually I spot her, with her new beau, retuning from somewhere.
‘You missed my speech,’ I tell her.
‘You’re not going to care,’ she replies. ‘We were in the gardens – don’t ask what we were doing…’
I don’t need to.
‘…and I saw Jake,’ she says.
‘Oh my God, where?’ I reply.
‘Heading for the stables,’ she says. ‘If you go now, you’ll catch him.’
‘Thanks, cover for me,’ I tell her.
‘I’ll start with your drink,’ she calls after me.
I hurry across the grounds. Please let him still be out there. Please let me not be too late.
Outside, the night air hits my bare arms, cool and clean after the warmth and noise of the reception. The sky above Rosewood is dark but clear, scattered with stars – you just don’t see them like this in the city.
I follow the gravel path away from the party, past the gardens I’ve walked through a hundred times this week, all the way to the stables.
My dress brushes against my legs as I walk faster, then faster still, until I’m practically jogging – as fast as my heels will allow.
What if he’s gone? What if he thinks it’s all too messy? What if I’ve already missed my chance to make this right?
The path curves, and the stables come into view. I can see a light glowing from the doorway – someone is definitely in there.
I hold my breath as I head inside. When I see that he’s there, every drop of air drains from my lungs.
There he is, with Biscuits, hanging out.
For a second, I watch him. He’s so sweet with the horses, so loving and caring and kind. Then again, he’s like that with everyone.
‘Hi,’ I say softly.
Jake turns.
For a heartbeat, his expression is unreadable and it scares the hell out of me.
Then his eyes soften.
‘Hey,’ he replies. ‘You okay?’
The question is so Jake it nearly undoes me right there.
‘I’ve been looking for you,’ I tell him. ‘After this morning…’
‘Wedding go alright?’ he asks.
‘Yeah. It’s still going,’ I say. ‘It’s all gone really well. Andy and Cordelia are both really happy. The only thing missing was you.’
‘I went to see my dad,’ he replies. ‘Figured I had some things to figure out, and you had some things to figure out.’
‘Well, it’s all figured out at my end,’ I tell him. ‘And with Arty too – he says the place is yours, if you want it. He says we just need to go see him tomorrow, so we can get it all done and dusted.’
‘Look, Whit, I appreciate everything you’ve done,’ he tells me. ‘But I don’t think it’s going to feel right, buying the place, then you disappearing. He’s going to know I pulled a fast one. Even if my intentions for the place are good, he’ll always doubt me. Honesty matters.’
I chew my lip for a moment.
‘Remember when we were talkin’ about boundaries, and I said that all that mattered to me was that we were honest with each other?’ he says.
‘Yeah,’ I say weakly.
‘You’re in love with Andy?’
‘I’m not, I promise you, we’re just friends,’ I insist. ‘I thought I was, briefly, when I realised I was going to lose him as a friend if he got married, but I know now that I’m not, that I’m actually gaining a friend in Cordelia.
And to be honest with you, pretty much from the second you pulled me out of that fountain, it’s only been you.
I never thought a guy like you would be interested in a girl like me, and we had our mutual arrangement, and I didn’t want to mess that up, but I’ve fallen for you. Head first. Like you’re a fountain.’
He smiles.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, the words tumbling out faster now. ‘For the mess. For the confusion. For not being clearer sooner. I promise you, you were never a prop for me to make Andy jealous, that was JJ projecting what she would do on to me. Everything I felt for you was real – it is real.’
He watches me carefully, saying nothing.
‘I only thought that I was in love with Andy for a split second, when I thought there was no one in the world out there for me,’ I continue.
‘Because he’s been my constant for so long – but only as a friend.
I’ve never been attracted to him, and then I met you and…
wow. And I promise you, I’ve spent all day trying to make sure the two of them tied the knot, and they have, and now I’m hoping I can sort my own mess out, so… ’
My voice trails off. I’ve said a lot. And he chooses now to lean into the strong, silent type – this is torture.
‘So, what is it you want, Whit?’ he asks gently.
‘You,’ I say simply. ‘While we’ve been pretending to have feelings for each other, guess what?
Turns out it was so easy for me to pretend because I’m not pretending.
I do have feelings for you. I want to help you get your home – and I know it’s going to sound crazy, but I want to live in it with you, one day, when the time is right, if you want me to.
I look at this place and I see a million different futures playing out, but I promise you, you’re in every single one of them. ’
‘You can tell you’re a writer,’ he says with a smile.
‘Well, writers write what they know,’ I reply.
‘So, I went to see my dad today,’ he says.
‘How is he?’ I reply.
‘He was good,’ Jake replies. ‘One of his better days. So I told him everything. About Rosewood. About you. About the fake engagement that turned into something real before I realised what was happening.’
My heart skips a beat at his words.
‘He said he could tell,’ Jake continues.
‘From the way I talked about you. He said you’re the one.
He said he knew soon as he saw you wearing Mom’s ring.
He said that I should do whatever it takes to build a life with you.
Get married. Have a family. And if Rosewood didn’t work out, it didn’t matter, because family is where you make it. ’
I can feel a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach, because he’s telling me everything I want to hear, I just don’t know if he still feels that way.
He reaches up, brushing his thumb along my cheek, wiping a tear that I didn’t realise had escaped my eye.
‘I love you too, Whit,’ he says. ‘I know, we haven’t known each other for very long, but I’ve never felt this way before and, if it’s the real deal, then hey, let’s start now. If we’re wrong, well…’
‘We can always fake break up,’ I joke. ‘A fake end to a fake engagement.’
‘Well, maybe when the fake one ends, who knows? A real one might make more sense,’ he replies.
It’s a relief, to hear that we’re on the same page. Yes, this is new, and scary, and powerful, but why wait? Why say we’re not in love, wait some arbitrary amount of time, then say it? Because if we’re right, then that’s extra time we get to love, to feel loved, to start building our life together.
‘I’m sorry it took me so long to find you,’ I tell him.
‘Me too,’ he replies. ‘I feel like I’ve been looking for you my whole life.’
‘Oof, so smooth,’ I say with a smile.
‘You think that’s smooth?’ he says. ‘Come ’ere.’
Jake takes me in his arms and kisses me, and it feels different to our other kisses. His mouth is soft against mine, familiar and new all at once. There’s no urgency, no performance. It feels safe and certain and like the first of a whole lifetime of them.
We stop, eventually, both safe in the knowledge we can do it again and again, whenever we want.
‘Do you fancy going to the wedding?’ I reply. ‘They keep bringing more food out, there’s music, dancing, and Andy said something about surprise entertainment.’
‘Sounds like fun,’ he replies.
‘And the great news is that we missed doing the dance with them,’ I point out. ‘Huge relief there.’
‘Aww, but I love dancing with ya,’ he replies.
‘We can still dance, just together, on the dance floor, without everyone staring at us,’ I say.
‘Whitney, if there’s one thing I’ve realised, it’s that wherever we go, everyone’s eyes are always on us.’
I take his hand, lacing our fingers together like it’s the most natural thing in the world, so that we can go back to the wedding together. We’re almost there when a huge firework display fills the night sky.
‘Looks like the big finale,’ he says.
‘Actually, I think it’s only the beginning,’ I reply. ‘Whatever happens next, I’m glad it’s with you.’
‘Same here, darlin’. Whatever happens, we’ve got each other’s backs.’
I smile, leaning into him as the fireworks continue.
Maybe sometimes love stories start with the fireworks, rather than ending with them. Whatever does happen though, with Jake by my side, I know it’s going to be perfect. So long as we have each other.