21. A Hunt and a Challenge #3
Vrathgar spoke. Tyralk spoke. Another, another. Grezha stepped forward, answering them. The crowd was silent. Maybe Tyralk’s victory was too fresh for anyone to risk battle to argue against us. Was that what happened when his people disagreed? Did they always fight?
When the old one gave the verdict, Vrathgar’s shoulders caved, and I watched him take a step, almost stumble. I nearly pushed through the circle to him, my rules forgotten, but then I recognized the look on his face.
Relief.
Larrakh reached back, her face wreathed in smiles, pulling me into the circle next to them.
“You’ve been accepted,” he said, his throat bobbing. The relief was so strong in his eyes, like he’d almost collapse from it. “You are allowed by the Drashik. Our union is allowed.”
And what did that even mean? I was allowed. They wouldn’t chase me out today? Was I supposed to be happy?
They were. I was pulled into a hug. Tyralk was there; people were spilling into the circle; Hagmar was there, all these people talking, blocking out the outside edge, the people who hadn’t cared enough about excluding us to fight.
Vrathgar was repeating words to me, some kind of ritual oath, and I was nodding.
He spoke low, and had me repeat after him, my tongue stumbling.
And we were moving, Vrathgar and I, we were being guided down almost a tunnel of people towards that central stone.
We reached the obelisk, the giant block, and he kissed his fingers to touch the rock.
A door of stone slid back and away. He stepped in, led me inside.
A torch, some kind of ethereal, flickering thing that did not die, cast ripples and lines over a room with Orc furnishings, much like the chambers in their sanctuary: the drying rack built of antlers, the water basin and skins, a low bed.
Was this it? The center of their grand stones was a little stone room with a torch?
“What is this?” I asked. The stone door slid closed, shutting out the last crease of sun, locking out the sounds. It was just us and the wavering torch.
“This place is fae-formed, connected to the threads of the world,” he said. “We use it to seal oaths.”
That made as much sense as my own hope to marry in a church, I supposed. “How long do we stay here?”
“Overnight.” His voice was husky, ragged from either exhaustion or relief. “They’ll open the door in the morning.”
We’d reached this place in the mid-afternoon. “They want to imprison us for a bit?”
“No, they…” He cleared his throat. “They want us to seal the oath. The oath we just made.”
Oh.
“We got married again.”
He blinked. “Yes. You could say that.”
We were in another cell, just this one had a wider bed. “This is what you talked to me about, that Orc weddings required…that we were supposed to be physical again.”
He was watching me. “Yes.”
I was nodding, and still nodding. I was nodding too much. “That makes sense, since I don’t want you to get in trouble. Because…” My stupid heart was racing, and I saw black spots on my vision. “I need to sit down.”
He caught my shoulders before I fell and guided me to the edge of the bed. I sunk down, heavy, focused on taking in deep breaths. This was the last thing I should be squeamish about.
But I was. I was falling apart in an orc grotto, trying to focus on his warm hands swallowing mine.
“Did—" his voice was thick. “Did you change your mind? About marrying me?”
I shook my head. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I was already an idiot, so why not?
“Is this nerves from the trial? I noticed you pushed Rowena away.”
“No.” Maybe. That seemed like as good an excuse for trembling as any other.
“Are you worried about pain? Is this because of your injury?”
“No.” No, I wished he would stop speaking, and I wished he would never stop.
“I don’t understand, Annora. Can you help me understand? We just had a wedding. We’re in the place we’re supposed to seal our vows, and you’re shaking.”
“Is this—" I breathed. “Does this mean nothing to you?”
He recoiled. “What?”
“Is this…is this just sex, too? Just comfort?”
He closed his eyes, breathed.
“I need to know, where I stand,” I got out. “Because you were pushing me away, a fortnight ago. When we kissed, at the pool—"
“I wasn’t pushing you away.”
“You were holding back. You let me kiss you, but you…you argued with me—"
He lowered himself beside the bed, took a knee. “I’m as stubborn as an ass, Nora. You’re going to have a rough life if you think I don’t love you every time we argue.”
“You can’t use that as an excuse not to tell me what’s going on!”
“We just had a wedding. What do you think is going on?” He caught my hands in his. Frustration hissed through his teeth. “You married me and started shaking; that’s what’s going on.”
“I know that!” my voice squeaked, rasped. I was losing my hold. “What do you want?”
“I want to know why my wife is shaking.”
“No. What do you want…with marrying me?”
The sound he made was like a scoff. “Are you trying to start another fight, barbarian? Because I’ll let you finish it.” And then, before I could react, he brought my palm up to kiss.
“There, that.” I wanted to scream. “What has changed? Don’t do this. Don’t…” I cracked, again. My voice, my heart, all of me was cracking. “Please. So I know not to hope if I shouldn’t. So I don’t think you’re in earnest. Because if you’re not…”
He sunk onto his knees in front of me, his eyes even with mine. My hands were swallowed up in his. “I’m serious,” he said. “I’ve never been so serious.”
I was shaking my head. “I can’t…I can’t play with this, Vrathgar.
I’ll fall for you. I’ve fallen for you over and over, while I fought myself not to, while I called you my enemy, while I told myself you loved someone else.
I need you…to tell me this isn’t real.” My breath hitched.
“Because I agreed to marry you, and I did, but I need to remember that it isn’t real. While I’m in your bed—"
“We’ve done this backwards,” he said, and it was enough of a jolt to stop my tongue.
“This kind of conversation,” he grimaced, “is supposed to come before vows. And the vows are supposed to come before the sex. And I’ve done this backwards, and you’re hurt again.
” There was no irritation, no accusation in his voice.
“What do you want to know? So you feel safe.”
My mind scrambled. “...are you trying to stay married to me?”
He didn’t wince. “Yes.”
“This isn’t…this isn’t something temporary, to protect your reputation?”
“No,” he said, and my ears started roaring as he said, “the only reason I’ve kept that intact is because you seemed to like it here. I wanted to make it easier for you, if you got to stay.”
“Is that why you didn’t kill anyone?”
His eyes didn’t waver. “Yes.”
I was trembling again. My body was responding like this was an emergency. Was that because I didn’t want to be taken by him? Why was I shaking? Why was I afraid? “When did you decide? That you wanted me?”
“That I wanted you?” His eyebrows rose. “When you locked eyes with me in that cell. But wanting something is not having it. I’ve wanted revenge. I’ve wanted wings, Nora.” He didn’t smile. “You want to know when I decided I could dare to keep you.”
Fine.
“When you told me in the waters, that you wanted me. I thought, ‘Who am I to say no to a miracle?’” He shook his head.
“‘Who am I to take away something she wants, when everything I am wants her?’” He was still holding my hand, and he pressed it to his lips again.
“You’re the learned one of us, barbarian, with your plants and your medicine and your songs.
And I’d been treating you like…like a youngling.
Like someone I had to protect from your choices.
” He grimaced. “You haven’t only seen the best of me.
Maybe you’ve seen some of the worst. You’re wise enough to know your mind.
If that’s wanting me…I want to make sure you have everything you want. ”
Tears traced down my cheeks, salt on my lips. He frowned, muttered a curse. “I’ve messed up again. I was supposed to tell you why I loved you. It’s like…it’s like forgetting to tell you you were beautiful that first night. It’s another step I’ve skipped, and I’ve hurt you in the skipping.”
I wanted to tell him he was wrong. I wanted to tell him I didn’t need that much, to pull back into being easier to love. But he wasn’t waiting for my confirmation.
“You’re brave,” he said. “Don’t give me that look.
You were brave the day I met you, and you were brave the day you bound yourself to me.
You were brave the day you saved my life, in the woods.
And then, when I realized the kind of expectations your father had given you, I realized you’d been brave every time you’d spoken to me, every time you’d had the courage to ask me a question or tell me no.
You’ve been brave when you pulled me near, and you’ve been brave when you pushed me away.
I just want to make you so safe that there’s less of that, yes?
That I’m someone you don’t have to be brave for. ”
The tears were still slipping down, and I couldn’t wipe them away, because he still had my hands. And I knew I could pull away, knew he’d let me, but I didn’t want to let go, and so I let them run down my cheeks to spatter on our mingled fingers.
“I love your eyes. Not…not the color. I do like the color, but I love seeing your eyes when you look at things. Like when you see a squirrel or some bird, and you just…chirp back and forth and flit around like you’re a forest nymph, all aglow, for every mangy squirrel.
You make me want to bring you all the rodents in the world. ”
The sound that came out of me was something choked.