Chapter 5 #3
Right. I looked at the water. I didn’t know how deep it went, only that there were steps, and it seemed warm.
I was willing to jump into unknown water if it separated me from my rapidly undressing husband.
“Is the water safe?” I asked. I peeled off my shoes, the bandages sticking inside them, and the new skin stung in the air.
“Yes,” he said. “We think it’s fed by a hot spring—" he was still explaining, but I’d mostly stopped listening. While his back was still turned I pulled off my clothes and slipped in.
Salt. It was salt water. Warm and melting against my legs, up to my arms. Something in this water could pull me down and eat me, and I wouldn’t mind if it was quick.
I closed my eyes and dipped down, covered over my eyebrows.
The heat was tingling in my fingertips, unspooling something inside of me.
I stayed down, letting my heart’s rush in my ears become the only sound.
When I came up for a big gasp of air, Khal was watching me, unmoving. The water lapped over my breasts. I made myself stay still.
“I will never get used to this,” he said. He was still wearing his trousers. He sat on the floor of the cave, started removing his boots. “How are your feet?” he said.
“Fine.” The water was warm. Focus on the water.
The second boot came off. “We’ll need to wrap them again before we go.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He set the boots by the rack, neat. Three long strides brought him to the pool.
He sat on the side still clothed, and slid in.
“Will your pants dry in time?”
He blinked. “What?”
“Your trousers. They’re wet. They…” I flushed. I shouldn’t be babbling.
“Probably. It’s warm here.” He stood in the water, the dark shimmer lapping around his waist.
I sunk deeper, found a seat on a step. “I promised the woman I would brush out my hair.” I couldn’t look at him. Why was I bringing up the peasant woman?
“She was concerned for you.”
I shrugged. “She was kind.” I started unwinding my braids. Thea’s comb tugged, heavy in my hand. I glanced at him. He was still standing there, watching me. I slipped under the water for a moment, set the comb on the step farthest from him, before I popped back up.
He sat down on the step. “Do you want help with your hair?”
“I can do it,” I said, my throat tightening a little.
“I know.” He watched.
I worked the braids loose, set to combing them through with my fingers.
This was ridiculous. He was waiting for me to finish with my hair.
I was going to make him impatient instead of just getting to it while he was being pleasant.
But…I glanced at him, at rest there, his eyes still on me.
It was hard to imagine Khal being unpleasant; if he was kind to Vrathgar, maybe he just stayed kind all the time.
Maybe if I made him impatient the worst that would happen was rougher sex.
And I could recover from that. It stopped hurting a day after the first time.
I finished a single braid down my back.
“It suits you,” he said.
“I could change it, if you like.”
“You don’t need to.”
I breathed deep, trying to steel myself. Should I wait for him to move, or should I…but he was still wearing pants. Was this a power trip, on his side? To be the one who didn’t reveal himself? It didn’t help to think about it, I should just…
“Did you want to have sex?” I’d blurted it out. He stared at me. No, this wasn’t the cat and mouse game men wanted, I shouldn’t-
He sighed, looked away. “I always want you, Rowena.” His body language belied that, but my mind was too scrambled to know what to do.
I moved closer, along the step. He was sitting higher than I was, and should I…
no, no overthinking. I pushed myself farther up out of the water, sat beside him, chill air across my chest.
“Alright,” I said, “So we—"
“Rowena,” he said. “I want you. But I don’t trust you.”
I blinked. I was sitting entirely unclothed in the water next to him, and he was saying he didn’t trust me. “Oh.”
“It’s not....I’m sorry, Rowena, I can explain—" I stared at him. His face twisted in regret. “It’s not…I’m not expecting you to stab me, it’s that…I don’t trust you to…speak up for yourself.”
I was spun, moving too slow. I couldn't follow, just stared at him, waiting.
"Your feet," he said. "You walked on them till they bled. I've done that, once. I know that hurt. But you didn’t…you didn't speak. If you were hurting or afraid, I’m not sure that you would tell me. I can’t…I can’t let you hurt yourself because you think it’s what I want. Do you understand?”
I nodded, automatically, but no, not really, I didn't. "I see," I said, and that was the wrong thing, what would he want? Was he waiting for me to reassure him, or put on some act, or-
“I'm sorry. It's not for forever. I promise," he said. He looked down at the water. His shoulders were tight. "When I know that you're ready to tell me no, then…I will ask you to say yes.”
I let myself look at him. His lashes were dark.
There was something elegant in the arc of his nose, a sensual fullness in his mouth.
With some of the tension taken away, I could enjoy looking at him, the way his hair brushed the top of his ears, how they just barely came to points.
"You're a good man," I whispered. "A peculiarly good one. "
His head bowed, his eyes squeezing closed.
"The more time I spend with you, the more the people at Belnor seem like monsters," he rumbled.
He turned to me, and I remembered, too keenly, that I still had nothing on.
He frowned. "I don't want to meet the people that made you think this is strange, the barest duty I have to care.
I shouldn't impress you, Rowena. Nothing about me is impressive.”
My mind froze, tilting around his intense face, the heat around us, his shoulders-
His shoulders.
“What’s this?” I reached out, and he flinched back, before he stopped.
“It’s nothing.”
“You’re hurt.” The scrape cut into his shoulder near where the muscles met, and then over. I pushed out of the water.
“Rowena, I’m fine—"
“It’s on both sides.” I pulled back. “The small of your back is torn open!”
“It’s not serious.”
“What are you doing? How did this happen?”
“This is normal.”
“It’s not normal! My back is not bleeding; everyone else’s backs are not bleeding—"
He turned and caught my hands. “It’s just what happens when there’s too much weight on a pack frame. It’s nothing.”
I stared back. He swallowed. This was ridiculous, naked next to an orc, arguing about how we let ourselves be hurt. He let go my hands, like he’d been burned, looked away. His neck was flushed. I babbled, “The others don’t bleed, because the others don’t carry too much?”
“Maybe they can handle it better.” He shrugged. “What, was I supposed to make Tyralk carry his effects? On a crutch?”
“But people could take turns. You’re not the only one who could help.”
“But I do have the most to prove. Don’t I?” His jaw clenched. “I’m not going to be the one who can’t carry the load. They already make up for me too much. If I can help them, I don’t care.”
“Hypocrite,” I whispered.
He shook his head. “Your feet were much worse.”
“Then shall I carry Tyralk’s pack tomorrow?”
“No, you’re much too small, it would—" he kept trying to explain, and I watched his lips move. He was still looking away from me. Should I get back in the water and spare him the effort to not look at my body? The power dynamic seemed so different than it had an hour ago.
And I knew Khal was going to be better off without me. And that whatever he thought, he didn’t need to be the fastest or the strongest to make someone happy. But I wanted…God, I was selfish, I wished…
“Khal?” I said, my heart rate spiking. “Can I kiss you?”
He froze, still facing the water. “What?”
“Can I kiss you?” This was the dumbest thing I had ever done or said. And I still wanted it.
“...you won’t hurt yourself—"
“With a kiss?” I could hear the laugh in my voice, aching. “What are you going to do if I kiss you?”
His voice was husky. “Nothing.”
I slipped back into the water. He was so still, sitting on the ledge, the little waves from my movement just covering him to the waist. “Will you come in?” I said.
He hesitated, and leveraged himself down. He winced as the salt water touched the cuts, then opened his eyes, sitting on the step, the water lapping around his chest. “I don’t know how to do this,” he said.
“That’s alright,” I murmured. “Neither do I.” And before I lost my courage in the flickering lamplight, I took his face in my hands, and I kissed him.