Chapter 12 #2
They were talking about the final wedding plans when there was suddenly a long silence on the phone and it hit her like a bolt of lightning that the relationship was over. Bill just hadn’t had the guts to say it, and she had hoped it wasn’t. And out of the blue she said it.
“I guess that’s it then, isn’t it?”
He didn’t answer, and she wasn’t sure if he’d hung up, and then he spoke, and he sounded like he was crying. She wasn’t. She felt as though her soul had dried up, and there was no blood left in her body.
“I was hoping you wouldn’t say that,” he said sadly.
“I’ve been afraid of those words for sixteen years.
” But he had done nothing to change it, to feed it, or to keep it going.
She had been willing to live on crumbs for the entire time, and now there weren’t even crumbs.
The cupboards were empty. He could have come into the city once or twice in the last six weeks if he loved her, and he hadn’t.
She couldn’t hide from the truth anymore.
She had been convenient, and now she wasn’t even that.
Eileen had won in the end. She didn’t want the man, but she wanted the marriage, and he was letting her keep it and throw it in a drawer.
Eileen had done nothing to feed their marriage.
Their marriage was long dead, but they refused to bury it.
Bill had buried Dominique instead, and let her starve.
“I don’t want it to end, Dominique,” he said, in acute pain.
“You don’t want it to continue either. I’ve gotten that message loud and clear,” she said, “or you’d have come to the city at least once or twice,” and he hadn’t.
“I don’t know how to extricate myself here.
She has a death grip on me, all I am is an orderly and babysitter.
” Dominique wondered if Eileen knew what she was doing, and was keeping him from seeing her until it ended.
It was possible, and if so it had worked.
Dominique hadn’t meant to push it to closure, but she couldn’t keep waiting for him, with his weak excuses for not coming to see her.
He obviously didn’t love her enough to see her, and she had to face that now.
He wasn’t fighting to keep her. He was letting her go, so it was the only choice she had.
“If you ever need me, call me,” he said in a choked voice.
He hadn’t expected her to end it, and she hadn’t expected it either, nor planned it.
It just happened. She looked up, and the relationship was dead.
Now they had to bury it, as painful as that was.
He knew she wouldn’t call him, she was too proud.
But he had to say it. He couldn’t bear the thought of never hearing her voice again.
But in truth, there was nothing stopping him now from getting into his car and driving into the city to see her and tell her he loved her.
But he didn’t do it. She half hoped he would, but then what?
Another six weeks without seeing him? For how long?
Until Eileen could dance again? At what point was it enough?
She thought it was now. It had died on its own.
They hadn’t killed the relationship. It had died of starvation, for lack of food and water and sustenance.
“Take good care, Bill,” she said in a soft voice, as tears overwhelmed her.
“I love you,” she whispered, and hung up.
He was crying at the other end. He couldn’t breathe knowing she was gone.
He wanted to hate Eileen for still being there.
But he didn’t. He felt nothing for her anymore.
And he knew he didn’t have the guts to go after the woman he loved, and hated himself for that.
He had let her slip away, and had known it would happen.
He had let her say it, because he couldn’t.
He knew she was right to do it. She deserved so much more than he could give her, or wanted to. He didn’t know how.
* * *
Dominique felt dazed for days after that. She went through the motions of everything she had to do for the wedding. She could barely think, and she didn’t tell anyone what she’d done. She couldn’t. She couldn’t say the words, say that it was over. It hurt too much.
* * *
Dominique put one foot in front of the other for the last week before the wedding.
She consulted her lists and knew what she had to do.
She felt like a robot with its wiring all unsprung.
Bill sent her a text the night they had ended it that said only “I love you.” She didn’t want to respond, but she couldn’t help herself, and wrote back “Me too,” and then she cried herself to sleep.
She couldn’t imagine her life without him.
But she hadn’t seen him in more than a month, so what difference would it make to continue the illusion?
More than likely, she wouldn’t have seen him for months, by the time Eileen recovered enough for him to go into town for the day, or spend the night with her.
And how often would she see him after that?
He hadn’t even been to his office. There was just no room for her in his life, and he was too willing to accept the limitations imposed on him, without fighting for more time and space for them.
She thought her mother was right when she said Dominique would end up alone as the mistress of a married man.
She already was. She had to end it so something else could grow in the space that he had left barren and failed to feed and water.
But letting go of him was the most painful thing she had ever done, and she hoped she had done the right thing. She had freed them both.
She had lunch with her daughters midweek before the wedding, and Violet commented afterward to Felicity. “Mom was very quiet today, wasn’t she? Is she okay? She seemed kind of vague.”
“I think she’s just exhausted by the wedding. It’s a circus. I don’t know how she did it. She’s amazing,” Felicity said.
“Is Bill coming?” Violet asked her.
“I don’t know. Mom has the guest list, and did all the seating.
I don’t know who’s coming.” As overwhelming as it had been at times, Felicity enjoyed the final days before the wedding.
With the gallery show successfully behind her, she could relax and have fun at the festivities, and everything was perfectly organized by Dominique for the wedding.
Felicity had nothing to do except look pretty and enjoy it.
Felicity had a good time at the showers, one given by her sister and two by friends. The tea given by her mother-in-law had been painfully dull, but it was short, and Felicity left with her sister.
The rehearsal for the bridal party was at noon on Friday, and then they all went out to lunch at their favorite Italian restaurant.
It was rowdy and fun. Jamie joined them, and Tommy and Marlene had arrived on Thursday from L.A.
, and were staying at a hotel with their sons and a nanny.
They were staying at The Mark, not far from Dominique’s house, so the boys could go to Central Park.
Violet was Felicity’s only attendant, and Tommy’s two little boys were the ring bearers. There was no flower girl. Taylor’s college roommate from Princeton was his best man. He lived in Denver and Felicity had never met him. He seemed to be as traditional as Taylor.
They all disbanded after lunch, and Taylor left with his old roommate to go to his club and catch up on old times.
They hadn’t seen each other in several years.
Violet and Jamie were going to do errands.
Dominique went home to go over more last-minute details and check the calligraphy, and then stopped by the Met.
They were already setting up the tents and the lighting.
The sound system was being installed, and the dance floor.
The rehearsal dinner was that night, so they would all see each other again at seven o’clock at Phillip Whitfield’s club.
The club was arranging everything with their own suppliers so Elizabeth had nothing to do except the seating.
Felicity was going to wear a short white dress that was sexy and fun.
At lunch, Marlene had said she was wearing something short and white that night too, and Violet whispered to her that she couldn’t and promised to lend her something else, black and low-cut, since they couldn’t wear white if the bride was, and Felicity had told them what she was wearing.
“I thought that was only for the wedding,” Marlene whispered back.
“For the rehearsal dinner too,” Violet told her discreetly.
“Thanks for telling me.” Marlene had worn a short pink sundress to the rehearsal, but it looked cute on her.
And she wore a rhinestone-studded baseball cap to match.
Jamie was enjoying the diversity of the crowd, and was amused to discover that Marlene was an avid sports fan and had fun sitting next to her, in spite of all of Violet’s warnings.
Marlene loved Violet’s World Series ring and thought it was the coolest thing she’d ever seen.
She was lively and fun at lunch, and she and Tommy seemed happy, and she liked Jamie.
She didn’t find Taylor interesting when she talked to him, and he ignored her completely and made it clear that he considered her beneath him.
Jamie was casual and open and enjoyed her.