Chapter 4
Ican’t sleep. No matter how hard I try, I toss and turn, tangled in the sheets of an empty bed.
She should be here with me. They should both be here with me.
I imagine Caspian’s hard, toned body tucked into my side, with Madi’s soft, supple weight draped over me.
That’s how we should be. Together. Bodies and souls touching.
With a grunt of frustration, I jam my fist into my pillow, trying to fluff it into something comfortable.
After talking with the university president, Phoenix and I came back to my place, and each packed a bag.
It was easy for him, since he’d never unpacked to begin with.
It took me much longer. I used all my energy reporting the find on Madison’s behalf, and by the time we made it to my apartment, I felt despondent and exhausted. But now that I’m in bed, I can’t rest.
Madi and Caspian are out there, somewhere in the ocean. And I’m not with them. Knowing they’re together, able to comfort and touch each other, brings me some semblance of peace. But it’s not enough.
I kick off the comforter and stare up at the ceiling. My muscles ache to hold my omega, cock pulsing with an unsatisfied need, like it’s a homing beacon, begging me to find her. I need her. Nothing else will ease this pain.
Rolling, I flop onto my stomach and scream.
My bedroom door opens, a slice of light cutting across the room. I spin and sit up. Phoenix stands on the threshold, casting a long shadow and wearing nothing but boxer briefs.
“What do you want?” I snap, then immediately feel bad about my tone. It’s not Phoenix’s fault they’re gone.
“A hamburger, a coke, and Madi bouncing on my cock,” he says, clearly trying to pull a laugh from me.
The mention of Madi only sours my mood further, so I throw the pillow at him. He catches it without problem.
“I need to do something.” I swing my legs off the side of the bed and sit up. “Laying here helpless is making me want to pull my hair out.”
Phoenix steps further into the room. “I know the feeling. All I can think about is how unprepared we are. We’re about to attempt to find a single drop of water in the ocean. It’s…” He swallows before he can say impossible, but I know that’s where he was headed.
“We have the i’xal.” I stand and pace.
“That’s not enough,” he answers. “It’ll only work if we get close. We need a general direction.”
“Research. That’s what we need.” I’m already headed toward my office. This is what I do well. “Where’s that book with Caspian’s tattoo symbol in it?” The question is more for myself than my best friend as I rummage around on my desk, but I can’t find it.
“I might have stolen it,” Phoenix says from the doorway.
“Or borrowed it, at least. After I found out Caspian’s a merman, I wanted to learn more.
It’s in my suitcase. Not sure how much good it’ll do us, though.
There weren’t any maps that I could tell, and half of it was pictures of scrolls that no one’s been able to interpret. ”
“I’ll translate it.” There’s no other choice. There’s got to be answers there.
“You’re going to translate a language most people still think is a myth? Just like that?” He’s skeptical, which is fair.
I look at him, pleading. “I have to try, Nix. I have to.”
Turning away, my gaze lands on a few books and old journals that belonged to Madi’s aunt. When she died, most of her research went to the university and ended up with me. I gather all of it into a pile on my desk.
Phoenix sighs and pulls up a chair beside me. He takes a book from the top of the pile and opens it.
“Thank you,” I whisper before getting to work. We read for hours, scouring my office for anything else that might have a clue and should be brought with us. In the end, we’re no closer to answers than when we began.
“We should get some sleep,” Phoenix says, stretching his neck side to side. When he straightens, he eyes me warily. “We’ve got a lot ahead of us, and you’ll need your rest.”
He doesn’t mention the bonding sickness, but I know that’s what he’s thinking. It’ll only get worse in the coming days. I want to growl at him and stay up studying, but he’s right. I won’t be much good to Madi if I’m so sick and exhausted I can’t think straight.
“Fine,” I grit out, heading back toward my bedroom with the stack of books and papers in my hand. I dump them all into a second suitcase to take with us. Phoenix follows me.
“I’ll see you in the morning,” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed. Once he’s gone, maybe I’ll look at one more book. Only for a little while.
“Uh,” Phoenix leans against the wall, “can I sleep in here with you?”
I’m not sure if he’s asking because he thinks I need the support, doesn’t trust me to sleep, or really wants to be with me.
We talked briefly about our feelings for each other and shared a kiss I’ll never forget, but then everything happened with Madi.
And now, Sebastian’s coming—his very real boyfriend.
“Would Sebastian be okay with that?” I ask, unsure what their arrangement is. Considering what Phoenix engaged in when Madi had her heat spike in Ocearus, I imagine they must have some sort of open relationship, but I don’t know how open. He was intentional about not fucking Madi.
Phoenix takes a step toward the bed, then another. “Are you planning to seduce me?”
“No.” I flop back, staring at the ceiling fan as it spins round and round. “Not tonight, anyway.”
Phoenix’s laugh is like a balm. “That works for me.” He’s at the side of the bed now. “Would you let me hold you?”
He seems hesitant, so I reach out my hand. When our palms touch, I pull him onto the mattress. He comes easily, wrapping himself around me. The warmth and weight of his body settles some of the itch under my skin.
“I miss them, too,” he whispers.
Phoenix might not have bonded with Madi, but she’s his scent match. In fact, this might be harder on him. I can at least feel her presence, know she’s alive, and sense her care for me. To a lesser extent, I can even feel Caspian through my connection with Madi. Phoenix doesn’t have that.
I wrap an arm under his body and draw him in, so his cheek rests on my chest. Impulsively, I kiss the top of his head. “They’re alright,” I tell him. “She’s alive.”
“I wish I could feel them.”
“You will.” I reassure him, smoothing a hand through his hair.
“Maybe,” he hedges.
The uncertainty in his voice makes that edginess crawl along my skin, the burn in my muscles intensifying. I reposition, no longer comfortable.
“How can I help?” Phoenix asks.
“Just… stay here with me.” Always, I want to add, but I bite my tongue. Phoenix has other commitments, and I don’t know how Sebastian will fit into this newly forming pack. The two of them will have to make their own choices.
Tomorrow, I’ll finally meet the fabled beta, and then, we’ll see what happens.
Fresh nerves join the jittery electricity in my gut. This is all new for me. I’m usually the one in control, the one with the answers, the one who shapes the world around me into what I want. I’m the fucking dean of anthropology. People look up to me.
But right now, I feel more uncertain than ever before. The ground beneath me is shaky and uneven. I don’t know how we’re gonna all come out of this. I’ve no clue where to look for her first.
“Hey, breathe.” Phoenix splays his hand on my chest. “We’ll find her.”
But it’s not just her I’m worried about.
There’s Phoenix and Sebastian, the Ocearus dig site and Madi’s claim on it, my position at the school now that I’ve bonded a student.
And then there’s Caspian. My omega’s merman mate.
A man I’m nearly as attracted to as Madi.
What kind of life can we live with a merman in our pack? How can we join our worlds?
The questions swirl and rise, tugging me under.
“Breathe,” Phoenix demands sharply.
I suck in a breath.
“That’s it, baby.” He kisses my naked chest, and a shiver breaks out on my skin. “Just breathe with me.” He repositions, draping his body over mine. His weight blankets my restlessness, snuffing out some of it.
He holds my gaze as he takes slow intentional breaths. I follow suit. My heart rate returns to normal, exhaustion creeping at the edges of my vision.
“Thank you,” I whisper, pulling him closer.
He doesn’t resist, but he doesn’t initiate anything more, despite the way our bodies press into each other. This isn’t about sex. It’s deeper than that. Phoenix has always been my best friend, my safe place, my home.
And I need that home more than ever.