Chapter 14
Bob Barker Did It Better
Damn, Kit really wished he’d taken the time to get dressed. Naked while negotiating with a fairy was just embarrassing. But no time for that now, especially as Yordan was already going aggressive.
“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that, Dwayne?”
“Duh,” his friend shot back. “You think I’m wearing this because I’m a Mensa candidate?”
Gamfay rocked back on his heels, while somewhere canned laughter filtered into the room. And now game shows were officially ruined for the rest of Kit’s life.
“Let’s get down to business,” he interrupted. “We want Coffee back. Er, Dwayne. What’s that going to take?”
Gamfay heaved a mighty sigh. “Exactly what you think it will. You’ve got to win a bet.” He grinned. “Easy as eating a mince pie.”
Yordan snorted. “I don’t even know what that is.”
“Meat pie,” Coffee said. “Tastes like shit.”
Gamfay rolled his eyes. “Yours tastes like shit. My pies—”
“Aren’t important right now,” Kit interrupted. “And my nanna’s mince pies are to die for.”
Damn it, he would have preferred a little more preparation before going into negotiations, but that was a vain wish. There was no way to really prepare for something like this, so they might as well get to it now.
“What is important is getting Coffee back. So, what are the exact details of his bargain with you?”
Gamfay gave a low chuckle. “His is unbreakable, but honestly, his whining is getting annoying.”
Coffee perked up. “Good to know.”
“You two, on the other hand, are a lot more interesting.”
Kit shook his head. “Actually, we’re really boring.”
Gamfay wasn’t having any of it. He walked about the room, touching the rumpled bed and making a show of sniffing the air. “Now this is really interesting,” he drawled. Then he batted his eyes at the two of them. “Is it twue wuv?”
“None of your business,” Yordan growled. He had moved next to Coffee, where he was tugging at the clasp of the leash. It looked like it ought to break with a sharp tug, but Kit wasn’t surprised when it held fast.
“Au contraire, my growly friend,” Creepy Game Show Host continued. “What if we wagered on the strength of your wuv?”
“No,” said Kit at the same moment as Yordan said, “Why not?”
“What?”
“What?”
Kit couldn’t believe Yordan would want to wager on their love. Their relationship was an hour old. Nothing was assured, but Yordan shrugged.
“Relationships are tricky, vague things,” Yordan said. “We can twist it as much as he can.”
Which made it a terrible thing to wager on, but Yordan looked supremely unconcerned.
“Our relationship is something we control,” he continued. “Not him. That’s the best bet there is.”
Gamfay clapped his hands together and rubbed them greedily. “I smell a bet.”
Meanwhile, Coffee squeezed Yordan’s arm. “Be careful,” he murmured. “He’s a slippery bastard.”
Thank you, Mr. Obvious. All fairies were slippery, but that didn’t slow down this train.
The fairy rocked back on his heels and looked at them with a merry smile.
“I like you guys and I’m in a generous mood, so I’ll make it simple.
I’ll bet that I can end your happily ever after together with one true statement.
If I can’t, you get Dwayne here, free and clear.
But if I do...” He waggled his eyebrows and held up two more leashes. “You’re mine.”
“No—” Kit returned. He was not going to let Yordan risk enslavement, but Yordan didn’t give him the chance.
“I agree, but you get me alone, not Kit.”
“For God’s sake, Yordan! Would you slow down?”
The man didn’t answer. He was too busy squaring off with the evil game show host. “One for one is fair.”
“But the question is about the two of you.”
“Don’t care. You get me or nothing.”
“Hmmm,” said Gamfay as he looked at Kit. “I’ll go with nothing.” Then he and Coffee winked out.
Shit, shit, shit. “Yordan, you have got to get a grip. We either work together on this or not at all.”
Yordan shook his head. “I’m not risking you on some fucking fairy—”
“Both our names are on that page,” Kit nearly screamed.
“Both of us are in this relationship. You’ve got to stop going it alone, or this is never going to work.
” And by “this,” he meant their relationship, the fairy deal, and their working together.
“You aren’t alone anymore. Unless you make it that way. ”
He saw that information filter in. He watched Yordan’s stubborn shoulders slide down as his expression softened. “I’m trying to protect you,” he finally murmured.
“And I want to protect you, but you know it doesn’t work that way. We’ve got to take the risk together. Especially if we’re risking our relationship.”
“Listen, it’s an easy bet,” Yordan said. “He can’t change the way I feel about you. There’s not a damn thing that I’d believe out of his lying mouth. So if you feel good about us—”
“Of course I do.” That was a rash thing to say after less than a day of honest communication between them, but Kit was certain how he felt. After all, he’d been feeling it for years.
“Then we’re good. We win,” Yordan said.
Too easy. This was too fucking easy for a fairy bet. But they didn’t have any other options.
“We’ve got to do it together,” Kit said firmly, and he waited until Yordan finally agreed.
“Fine. Together.” Then he leaned over to kiss Kit, but before their mouths could touch, Coffee and Gamfay were back. They blinked in with a hearty ho, ho, ho that made both of them jump.
“Do we have a deal, then?” Gamfay asked.
Kit dropped his hands on his hips. “Give me the particulars. Slowly.”
Gamfay chuckled. “Dwayne, show your friends the game, shall we?”
They turned and saw Coffee prancing about, this time dressed as a game show girl, long skirt, bright lipstick, and all. He set down a podium with a large red button on it. Above it hung an arrow pointing straight up between TRUTH on one side and FALSE on the other.
“It’s simple,” Coffee growled, clearly annoyed with playing Vanna. “He says something, and the arrow goes to Truth. You then say something, and it slides to False.”
“Now, now,” interrupted Gamfay. “That’s not exactly correct, is it? This is a lie detector, gentlemen. If what you say is the true, then it’ll point to true.”
Yordan rolled his eyes. “According to you. It’s a fairy game. It’ll point to whatever you want it to.”
Gamfay held up his hand. “Upon my life, it will answer honestly.”
“How can it?” Kit challenged. “Truth is too complicated for any machine to effectively judge it. Especially if it’s about feelings.”
The fairy stroked his tie. “True, true. But the machine measures if you think you’re lying or not.
Not the actual truth of the matter. If you actually believe Coffee is my sweet baby boo, then it’ll read true.
If you don’t but say he is, then it’ll know you’re lying.
” He grinned as he pointed to the big red button.
“Go ahead. You can test it, if you want. You don’t even need to say the words out loud. It’ll know.”
Yordan stepped up immediately, putting his hand on the big red button. He thought for a moment, then pressed the button down. The arrow swung straight to TRUE. Next press went to FALSE. And then a couple more landed somewhere in the middle to indicate sort of true or sort of false.
He stepped back and looked at Kit.
“It works well enough now. Don’t know if we can trust it in the moment.”
Coffee shook his head. “Not his style. He’s a prick, to be sure, but he’ll play by the rules. He figures we’re weak enough to keep playing. Eventually, we’ll overextend and lose. It’s the nature of gamblers.”
Kit frowned. “Is that what happened with you?”
Coffee grimaced. “Get me out of this, and I’ll join Gambler’s Anonymous. I swear.”
He was going to do more than that, but first things first. Kit tested out the true/false machine.
He thought about simple stuff like whether he’d eaten breakfast this morning or not, then more complicated things like how he desperately wanted to retire (mostly false) and how he was going to get blamed for losing the helo (mostly true) but that he wasn’t going to get penalized for it (straight up in the middle because he really didn’t know).
And then, just to be sure, he tried out this silently.
I love Yordan. It’s still early, but I’m sure we can make it work.
The arrow pointed right at TRUE.
Okay, then. Given that he wouldn’t trust a single thing Gamfay said—and he was sure Yordan wouldn’t either—they should be fine. He looked back at Yordan.
“I’m ready to risk it. You?”
“Yup,” Yordan said. Then they stepped together, shoulder to shoulder, and faced the creepy elf.
Kit summarized. “You get to say one thing, and then we’ll say that our love hasn’t died. Once that’s done, Coffee is free.”
“Assuming,” Gamfay corrected, “that your love hasn’t died. If what I say ends it...” He held up the two empty leashes. “Then you’re mine forever.”
“Nope,” Yordan said. “You get us as slaves for a day.”
“Forever,” Gamfay countered.
“Bullshit,” Kit said. “A week.”
“Are you telling me your love is worth a week? Come on.” Then he waggled his bushy eyebrows. “A fairy week.”
“Never,” Yordan snapped.
“Very well,” Gamfay said with a dramatic sigh. “A human year.”
Coffee spoke up. “He can make that feel like an eternity.”
“Whine, whine,” Gamfay mocked as he tugged on Coffee’s leash. “It’ll feel like a human year, all right? Can we get on with this now? I’m growing bored.”
“No, you’re not,” Coffee shot back. As if for proof, he pointed at the arrow which, weirdly, had been moving back and forth without their hands on the button. And right now, it pointed straight to FALSE.
Gamfay chuckled. “Clever wolf. Now, are the parameters set? We have a deal?”
Yordan opened his mouth to answer, but he abruptly waited as he turned to look at Kit. “Ready?” he mouthed.
“Yeah. You?”
He nodded. Then together, they looked back at Gamfay.
“Let’s have it. What’s your big reveal?”