Out of Place
It was a bittersweet experience, unpacking and trying to settle into the house. A mixture of "old days" and "something's broken", with laughter filling a home I had not thought I'd ever step foot in again.
We sang, and we danced. Ivy played songs on her phone that I hadn't heard since High School, and Lucy was more than happy to jump in. Rudy made pop-corn, and we managed to get our old, beat up television set running. I had no cable, but I did have power, so it was up to Dylan, Collin, and Lucy to entertain us on their one, used game system.
But then, night was falling. Shadows filled the old house. Ivy was getting up to leave, checking her watch wistfully. I looked to Rudy, who surreptitiously waved me off, before snagging the controller from Lucy and loudly proclaiming that, in fact, he was better at her video game about hatching baby dragons.
Ivy and I stood on the front porch, an old, concrete thing that had once held a set of wicker chairs. Like so much else, they were long gone.
"It really is good to have you back," Ivy said, her voice solemn. She stuck her hands in the pockets of her Sheriff's jacket; a chill was already setting in. All around us, the trees were beginning to show signs of turning yellow and orange. "You have no idea how much I've missed having you around."
"I can begin to imagine," I said. "I missed you, too."
A heavy, pregnant silence filled the chasm between us.
"Sylvie..." She started to say, but I shook my head.
"Not yet." My throat was tight. "Too much. It's too much in one night."
I could feel her disappointment, but she kindly shrugged it off, giving me a tense smile. "Yeah. Of course. I can only guess."
"Thanks for helping me with... everything."
"Of course."
We awkwardly stood there for too many seconds, and it felt strange not to know how to talk to her, suddenly. Someone I had practically grown up with, had known nearly my whole life. Someone you abandoned, a voice whispered at the back of my mind.
"Before I forget," Ivy said, hopping off the porch and turning to look up at me. "Aegis wanted me to remind you that the first of the Bonfires is tomorrow. You know- the monthly ones."
"...Oh."
Ivy snorted. "Don't look so pumped, over there. It would be good for you guys to be at one of these, especially for Collin."
She was right, of course. These bonfires were a huge deal to the werewolf community of Werewolf Hollow, and considering the town's whole origin point, that was more than half our population. Each Pack had their own Bonfires on their own turf, but if the Black Lake Pack was anything like what it had been back in the day, it would be the biggest of them.
"You guys have to come," Ivy said, pointing at me as she walked backward toward her car. "Seriously. Bring Rudy, too. Old guy's even more awkward than you are, somehow, which is impressive."
"We'll see," I hedged, even though I knew I would have to show my face at some point. I couldn't hide forever. "It's been a long couple of days." And a long eleven years.
"Sure," Ivy said. "Look, try anyway. Aegis'll probably give you a call tomorrow, you can go check out your crime against humanity, and then we'll see you at the bonfire later. Lots of people are really excited to see you again."
I rolled my eyes. "What, like Brittani Choi?"
"I said 'lots', not 'everyone'."
I laughed aloud. "I should've known she was still skulking around her old haunting grounds."
"Just wait till you see her," Ivy snickered. "Still a piece of work, that one. I'll see you tomorrow, Sylvia."
I knew what she was really saying. She wasn't giving me an out; she wanted me back in, committed to Werewolf Hollow.
I waved to her, watching as she climbed into her black Sheriff's car before driving off. I watched the sun set for a while after she left.
I'd thought that things felt wrong, but I was realizing that it was entirely me that was the problem. I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt stilted, out of place, a shadow of a memory of a memory. I wasn't who Ivy remembered. I wasn't even what I remembered.
I was going to disappoint everyone.
I turned and walked in, finding Lucy half asleep in Rudy's arms, and Dylan and Collin nodding off on either side of him.
"I'm impressed," I said, grinning as I took my five year old from him. "How'd you get all three of them to drop like that?"
"They asked me to tell stories about my work."
I snorted. "And you picked the boring ones."
"Anything can be boring, if you tell it right," Rudy chuckled.
I managed to get Lucy dressed for bed, and the twins shuffled off to their rooms, blinking blearily. There were still boxes of personal items pushed up against the walls, but there were now two beds in one room, and Lucy's in the other, the one that used to be mine.
Rudy was making hot chocolate when I returned downstairs. He wordlessly handed me one.
"They really thought of everything," I said, chuckling slightly as I took a swig.
"You're very, very lucky," Rudy said gently. "Not many get a greeting like this."
"I'm trying to... keep that frame of mind."
"Is it hard to be back?"
"You have no idea," I whispered. I looked up at him. "You're welcome to stay the night, of course. I've got extra blankets, if you want to take the couch. I swear it's more comfortable than it looks," I added dryly. The couch, of course, used to be my bed. Now, I had my own room with an actual mattress, and I was not sure how my body was going to take that.
"I appreciate it," Rudy said, giving me a small smile. "I want to make sure you are all settled in, if you don't mind. I can see you're struggling."
"Oh, Rudy, don't sacrifice your own life for the sake of ours," I said, frowning. "Do you need to call your wife? You should probably let her know where you are."
Rudy hesitated, and I suddenly had this feeling that there was more to his story than he was letting on. He pushed up though, draining his mug, and gave me a tired smile.
"I'll call her... tomorrow," he said, and his voice was strained. "I just... want to make sure I see this case to the end."
I nodded, a lump in my throat. I watched him walk over to the couch, back hunched, and he seemed so much older suddenly, like watching your Dad suddenly act his age.
Everyone's got secrets, I thought, my chest hurting. What secrets do you have, Rudy? Why are you so driven to help my broken family?
But the answer wasn't forthcoming. A mountain of mysteries, and new answers in sight.
----
I didn’t sleep that night.
Memories danced at the edge of my consciousness. A bully laughed and laughed as she displayed pages of my diary to everyone in the cafeteria; Pete Richardson returned to say “Surprise! You actually do still work for me, dumbass!” Through every misery, I looked around, desperate for someone to open their arms and call me into them.
But there was no one there.
It was the sun that finally woke me, and I walked quietly down the hall, peeking in on the kids. Poor Collin barely fit his bed, his long, clawed feet hanging off the side. Fur poked out of his clothes, which were all suddenly too small on him. Dylan was curled into a ball on his own bed, a light frown on a somewhat pale face.
Lucy was in one of those poses where you just knew that she was completely relaxed.
I walked downstairs, and I looked at the walls, all of which once held photos that were now being kept, very carefully, in storage, according to Ivy. I wasn’t ready for those to go back up, yet.
Rudy was gone when I got downstairs, and the moving van had disappeared outside. I checked the clock: it was late enough that he’d probably gone to return it.
I started my coffee. I had breakfast. I did everything I could to try to keep my hands busy, because to do otherwise would mean I had to focus on things I didn’t want to think about. Perhaps as a benefit of this, by the time the kids started wandering tiredly downstairs, a hearty breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausages was waiting for them.
“Whoa,” Collin said, drool beginning to pool around the edges of his mouth. “Mom, have I ever told you that you are the best?”
“Don’t you dare eat it all,” Dylan said, snatching up a paper plate immediately. “Me, first! I’ve seen how you’ve been eating since the whole wolf thing, and if Lu and I don’t fill up our plates first, you’ll just inhale the whole counter!”
I snorted. “As if you don’t eat like little sentient trucks as it is. I have more I can make, don’t worry about it.”
As they were piling up their plates, my phone rang, and I quickly slid it out. The screen was cracked, and it was four versions older than the latest models. “Sylvia speaking, how can I help you?”
“Was worried you were still sleeping. Glad you’re up.”
My skin danced. I’d know that voice anywhere, even if I'd only heard it yesterday for the first time in eleven years. “Aegis,” I said, feeling stupid. Both Dylan’s and Collin’s heads shot up immediately, the former waggling his eyebrows. I threw up a hand in disgust and turned my back on them. “How’s my car?”
“This thing is a metal death trap, Sylvia. You shouldn’t be driving it.”
“I’ll let you know when I have enough money to afford a new car, Aegis.”
A heavy sigh met that. “Fair. Come on by; I managed to get it working in some semblance of... something. It shouldn’t fall apart on you, but as long as you don’t leave Pack territory, you’ll be fine.”
I chuckled. “And if I do leave Pack territory?” I was just joking around, of course, because he’d said it so solemnly.
There was a grunt on the other line. “I’ll go find you and bring you back. You’re not allowed past Pack lines with that junker, you hear?”
My stomach did a flip, and I rolled my eyes at my own stupid nature. Oh, shut up, what are we, sixteen? “Thanks, Aegis. I’ll behave.”
“Right. Head over when you can, and I’ll get you set up. I’ve got an offer for you, by the way.”
My eyebrows shot up. “What kind of offer are we talking about, here? Like, another way to pay for the car?”
“You could say that. I’ve got a job for you, if you’ll take it.”
That really surprised me. “You don’t know anything about my qualifications.”
He snorted. “Sylvia, you’re not in the city anymore. This is a small town. I hire who I want. I’m the Alpha; you think anyone’s going to stop me, if I want to hire you?”
Another stupid shiver. I don't need this. Not now. “Whatever you say,” I said, doubtful. “You don’t have to do this, Aegis. I can do things the right way.”
“Just get over here, so you can get your car.” A pause. “Did Ivy tell you about the Bonfire?”
“Oh, uh... yeah.”
“You’re not thinking about missing it, are you?”
I winced. “Noooooooo...?”
“I thought so.” There was a quiet beat of silence. “You’ve changed, a bit. A decade ago, you’d have jumped at the chance to see everyone.”
I grimaced, my heart twisting. There’s that first sense ofdisappointment. “I’ve changed,” I said, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “Things have... changed.”
“Of course. Change is natural and normal.” Aegis seemed unphased, which only served to confuse me. “It’s just... interesting. Anyway, I’ll see you soon?”
“Yeah. I’ll be there. Can’t let you keep my car forever.”
“Unfortunately,” he muttered, which only made me snort with laughter. “See you soon, Sylvia.”
He hung up, but it didn’t change the weird butterfly dance-off erupting in the pit of my stomach.