Waiting Game
Seeing Brittani Choi ugly-cry would never, ever have been on my bingo card, that was for certain.
I stood there awkwardly for a minute, watching her shoulders heave as she sobbed so hard her body shook, and I wavered. Somehow, it felt crazy that I should be considering comforting her when my own kids were missing, one of whom was only five... but it was like some part of me was incapable of fighting it. I gave Collin a pained look, and he just turned on his heel and dashed up the stairs.
"Brittani," I said, stepping hesitantly toward her.
"I wish you'd never come back." She was crying hard, now. "That's my baby girl. That's my daughter."
"I know."
"That's my child."
"I'm well aware, Brittani." I hesitated, then put a hand on her shoulder. Her head snapped up; mascara was running down her face, which was blotchy and red.
"How are you holding yourself together?" She demanded, jumping to her feet. "How are you not a mess?"
I opened my mouth, closed it, and then thought. Everything that had happened over just two short weeks crashed around in my head. I'd faced demons, learned something about myself, found shadows, danced with my own demons...
"It's a defense mechanism," I said, and my voice sounded far away. "Shut it down. Put it away. Don't deal with it. Keep busy. Distract myself. Don't feel."
Brittani's expression fell, and she choked back a sob. "All I want to know is where she is. Everyone's looking; even her brother's out, and he's only in-between."
"Is that safe? There's a rogue werewolf out there."
"I don't know," Brittani wailed. "You think I'm good at this 'mom' thing?"
I snorted suddenly. "Nobody is, Brittani. What, you think I am? No one is. No one knows what they're doing. I wouldn't be in this mess if I'd been a better mom."
She dropped back into the chair, putting her face in her hands. "I feel so useless. Utterly useless. Just a stupid human, can't protect my babies... but the fucking government wants to tell us who can and can't change, and when."
That surprised me, for some reason. "You put in a request for a lawful change?"
She made an ugly noise of contempt. "Of course, but that was years ago. Almost a decade. It'll never be accepted, because they're trying to control the werewolf numbers. They're afraid of an uprising, when all I want is to be like my babies, be like my husband..."
This was a side of Brittani I didn't know what to do with. "I'm sorry," I said finally. "I really am."
She sniffled in a messy way and stood back up, glaring at me. "This was another thing I always hated about you. You're so nice all the time, even when it's hurting you. You're scared too! You want to cry too!"
"Well, yeah, but-"
"So cry, dammit! Do something for yourself, for once! You're always so fucking selfless, it's all anyone could ever talk about, especially when we all thought you were dead!" Her voice cracked on the word. "I was so mad. So mad! You were gone and dead, and I never got to talk to you again, to tell you what a fucking idiot you were, because after trying to tell everyone that you were just as obsessed with Aegis as he was with you, you went and disappeared into the woodwork!"
"Obsessed with me?" I said, totally taken aback at this outburst. In all honesty, I didn't even know where to start with that. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, please, you think it was chance that it was so easy for you to find him all the time?" Brittani asked, voice dripping with acid. "You mooned around after him, but did you ever stop to ask yourself why he was always so close at hand? He was constantly making sure you were okay, but he was just as stupid and awkward as you were, and the two of you were a couple of morons making doe eyes at each other, and you were being so selfless by not talking to him because you thought it was better he find his stupid fated mate, gag me!"
I couldn't stop the nearly hilarious giggle that clawed its way up my throat. This was such a Brittani-ism, but it was laced with the most confusing burst of feelings and ideas that I didn't know what to do with it.
"And then you stuck your neck out for stupid Jade, and we were all just trying to push the idiot into turning already because she was holding her whole family back," Brittani continued. "But noooo, you're the hero, you're the one who sweeps in and makes everyone love you, and then you go and die, and we all feel terrible because no one stood up to the mean old Brittani Choi when she humiliated you, and I didn't get to say I was sorry, I was so sorry, and then- THEN- we all find out you're not dead, and we have no idea what happened!"
"I'm... sorry?" I said, backing up a little in disbelief.
"What were we all supposed to do?!" Brittani demanded. "We had no idea that you'd run off because your entire family was dead and you had two brand new babies you were trying to raise all on your own! God, you're so stupid, you were probably being all stupidly selfless again, running off to suffer alone, but you didn't even realize how badly we all suffered, because we all thought you blamed everyone here! None of us went looking for you, and now we all regret that we didn't, and we all still feel terrible, and now our kids could be dead out there!"
"Brittani," I said, finally knocking out of my shock. "Brittani. I'm sorry."
"No, you don't get to say that!" She sobbed again. "Stop it! I'm sorry! And now our kids could be in serious trouble, and I don't know what to do!"
She cried, and I held her for a moment, a weird mixture of hilarious confusion and perplexed sadness dancing around in me. In some small consolation, it was distracting me from the terror that was building like a dam behind those walls that were far too quick to build themselves up. Once those walls burst, I knew I'd be impossible to deal with.
But what were we supposed to do? Sit and wait? Sit and wait for news, for our kids, for- what, their bodies?
"I don't know what to do," Brittani wailed.
"Where's Leanne?" I asked, feeling somewhat numb.
"Out searching," she sobbed. "All the werewolves- even the other packs- are on high alert. Everyone's out."
I don't know what to do either, I thought, heart sinking. There were two different versions of myself; one that was calm, cool, collected, trusting in Aegis and the town and everyone in my life to find my beloved children. My baby Lucy, my youngest, the littlest, the sassmaster with her dramatic doll reenactments... and my Dylan, lost and confused and scared of the change that was coming down on him.
Then there was the other version of me, coiled tightly in my belly. The one that ran from one room to the next, dropping everything onto the floor, falling apart at the seams, the one who distracted herself by repeatedly organizing articles of clothes to avoid bursting into broken puzzle pieces. My babies, out there, not knowing a rogue werewolf is on the loose...
"They'll be all right," I said softly. The shadow-me coiled more tightly in my gut. "Our kids will be all right, Brittani."
----
It was a while until Brittani calmed down, and then she collapsed into one of my arm chairs, face in her hands. She stayed silent as the minutes ticked by. I watched the clock and glanced at my phone.
I had always hated that saying, "no news is good news". In theory, yes, that's true, but in this situation, no news meant they weren't found. No news was bad and good news. There was no winning until they'd been brought home.
The sun was well past the middle point in the sky when I heard Collin coming back downstairs. I looked up to see him, taking him in. So much taller than he'd been before, gangly and half-covered in patches of rough fur, face both human and canine, too-long fangs hanging over a lip... and apparently, a potential Alpha.
God, and I've got to have that talk with him, I thought, my heart sinking. When was a good time when his brother was missing, his life in total danger?
"Have you heard anything?" Collin asked, looking at me hopefully.
"No, baby. I'm sorry."
His face fell, and he looked down at his hands. I saw one of Lucy's dresses clutched in his hands, and his expression was pained.
"They'll be all right," I said, turning toward him, but he just shook his head and went back upstairs.
Before I could follow, my phone rang. I jumped for it, and Brittani's head snapped up as I answered, my heart racing.
"Did you find them?" I gasped.
"No." It was Ivy. She sounded exhausted. "I just met up with Aegis and Lawrence. They're heading further into the woods, where coverage is spotty. He wanted me to tell you that they picked up the scent of the rogue."
My heart sank, twisting into horrible knots. The shadow in me coiled more tightly, as if waiting to burst apart and shatter the walls.
"It's in the area?" I asked, my voice too calm.
"Unfortunately, yes. The FBI's pulling out all non-lethal personnel. That means my boys in blue are getting sent back to the precinct, and I'm out of the search." The bitterness in her voice wasn't hard to miss. "Paul's on the trail, too. He's searching the rivers, currently. I'm headed back to you."
"I'm sorry, Ivy," I said. "You must hate that."
"Don't apologize to me, Sylvia. This is all my fault." The bitterness deepened. "I should've been better."
She hung up then, and I felt my chest squeeze. I looked at Brittani and braced myself, before relaying the information. Her face fell, and she hugged herself, saying nothing else.
Fifteen long, slow, agonizing minutes passed until Ivy arrived, coming inside and bringing a chill, cold air with her. Her thick black curls were loose, and she wouldn't look me in the eye.
"Ivy," I said quietly. "If you think I haven't made mistakes in my life, you'd be very wrong."
"This isn't a mistake," Ivy said. "This could be-" She stopped herself. "...I took this job to stop losing people. What sort of power do I really have, if I can't stop a couple of teenagers from running off?"
Brittani snorted, her voice shaky. "What parents have ever been able to stop that?"
"Pull up a chair," I said finally, gesturing. "All we can do... is wait."
----
As non-werewolves were pulled from the field, we were surprised to begin receiving visitors.
A few familiar faces from the bonfire arrived on my doorstep, offering fully cooked lasagnas. I wasn't hungry, but I understood and was thankful for the effort. No need to cook, now, I thought distantly.
Casseroles arrived next from several others. Flowers, well wishes, and prayers, until they all trickled away, and the sun started setting.
Fear was settling into my stomach. The werewolves could continue searching by night, but Aegis hadn't slept in at least 24 hours from transporting Rudy.
Oh, God. Rudy.
"Do you know if anyone's told Rudy anything?" I said, looking at Ivy suddenly.
"Last I heard, he's being kept in the trailer on Jade's property," she said. "As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know anything, though he's not stupid. He'll know something is wrong."
"God, he's all alone," I said, running a hand through my hair. "If they haven't moved him to the bunker, then there's no doubt he'll know. Keeping it from him won't help keep him stable."
There was a sudden noise from the stairs, and we all looked up. Collin was standing there again, this time with one of Lucy's dresses and one of Dylan's shirts. His expression, however, wasn't sad or scared... but determined.
"Mom," he said, staring straight at me, willing me to see how serious he was. "I think I can find them. I think I can track Dylan."